Beating the Heat
by Andrew Joshua Talon
Summary: Or, "Friendship is Kinky". AKA, the one where I go to Pony Hell...
1. Chapter 1

**Beating the Heat**

**or**

**Friendship is Kinky**

_**A My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction**_

**By Andrew J. Talon**

**DISCLAIMER:****This is a non-profit fan-made work of prose. My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic is the property of Hasbro. Please support the official release.**

**Author's Note: I... REGRET... NOTHING!**

* * *

As the sun rose, Spike felt a warm, bubbling feeling of optimism fill him. He sat up out of his basket and stretched his arms out with a great big yawn. He scratched his scales and smiled as he licked his lips.

Ah... It's looking like a beautiful day, Spike thought to himself. Already his mind turned to the possibility of seeing how radiant Rarity was in the sunlight of another glorious day on Equestria.

"Hmm..." He rolled his head on his shoulders, and looked to the right. "Hey Twilight."

"Hey Spike."

Spike looked back ahead... And jerked his head back to Twilight, standing scant inches away from his face.

"ACK!" His shift in weight sent his basket falling onto it's side, and Spike slammed into the hard wood floor. With a groan he sat up and blinked at Twilight, still standing there with a wide smile on her face. "Hey! What's the deal?"

"Oh... Um... Nothing," Twilight said, looking away with a noticeable effort. "Just watching you sleep." She turned back, still smiling. "You're really very cute when you do it."

"... Thanks?" Spike managed. Twilight nodded and headed off, trotting downstairs. Spike watched her go with a few blinks, before shaking his head and muttering a few uncomplimentary terms for equines and females alike.

That was okay though. It was still a beautiful day.

* * *

Spike got breakfast going for Twilight, as usual. What was unusual was... Well... Twilight.

The purple unicorn kept looking out the windows, tapping her hooves, and twitching her ears. Concerned, Spike checked through Twilight's own checklist of things to do today.

So far, he didn't see any packages, or imminent visits from royalty, so frankly Spike was at a loss for Twilight's mood.

"Twilight? Everything all right?" He asked as he set her breakfast in front of her. His answer was her eagerly tearing into the food, finishing it in time Pinkie Pie would envy. "Huwah?"

"Hm? Oh, yeah! Yeah, I'm fine," Twilight said. "I'm just a bit... Do we have anything big to do today?"

Spike referred to the checklist again. "No, nothing..." He turned back to her, a bit suspiciously. "Are you worrying about your letters to Princess Celestia again?"

"What? No! No, not at all!" Twilight said quickly.

"Right, no crazy eyes," Spike said softly. Twilight scowled, but relented when her memory helpfully pointed out his point.

"No... It's not that... But, I dunno, I just feel so... Restless," she said. She licked her lips. "I'm not sure what it is."

"Maybe you just need to get out of the library for a while," Spike suggested. "You know, get some fresh air."

"You're absolutely right, Spike," Twilight said with a firm nod. "I need to get out for a while." She headed for the door and opened it with a quick application of her magic. She looked over her shoulder at him. "Coming Spike?"

"Eh, sure, why not?" Spike replied. His fears had abated somewhat, but something else told him that keeping an eye on Twilight might be in his best interests... And hers too, probably.

* * *

Out among the ponies, Spike found his dread slowly returning as he followed Twilight's gaze. When you live with someone from... Well, birth, you tended to pick up on things about that other being. And right now Spike was picking up something seriously strange about Twilight, and yet totally innocuous.

"Tell me Spike... What do you know about Doctor Whooves?" She asked abruptly, as they spied the chestnut-furred stallion across the marketplace. Spike followed her gaze to her target (Who was engaging in a spirited debate about apples with Applebloom) and back to the almost... Hungry look on Twilight's face.

"He's kind of weird," Spike confessed, "lives in that tiny blue house of his that can never stay still. Apparently he's an inventor."

"Mmm... An inventor you say?" Twilight asked, her tone suddenly... Husky.

"Yeah..."

"A very... Intelligent one?" Twilight asked, her tongue running over her lips. Spike blinked rapidly.

"Yeah, I guess... He also does a lot of running."

"How much running? How long can he run for?" Twilight demanded.

"Ah... I don't know," Spike returned, cautious given the almost ravenous look on Twilight's face. "I just know he's almost always got a lot of it to do."

"I see... One more question, Spike," she asked. Spike gulped.

"Yes?"

"... Is he single?" Twilight asked.

Spike blinked again, very rapidly. He rubbed his eyes.

"Um... Well, he hangs out with that weird pegasus sometimes but they don't seem to be-"

"Good enough for me!" Twilight said as she galloped off for the good Doctor. Spike stared after her, and found himself looking up at the sun. He gave it a good glower.

"And here I thought it was going to be a nice day," he mumbled, as he took off after his mistress.

* * *

Doctor Whooves was enjoying his day off, trotting through the marketplace and perusing the various stalls. Despite his various escapades that a cruder pony might call "making spacetime his mare" (He bought spacetime dinner and flowers first), he still found joy in the simple things in life. Like the scent of delicious apples, the price of which he was haggling over with the young Applebloom.

"I'm telling you my dear, I simply cannot spend more than two bits per apple," the Doctor stated.

The little filly scowled up at him. "Ah can't take anything less than four bits an apple, Mister!"

"Well, I could go as high as two point six five... But I forgot my scale back home," the Doctor said.

"You ain't bein' this difficult because of how things went last time, are ya?" Applebloom asked flatly.

"Hm? What last time?" The Doctor asked.

"In June of course! Last year!" Applebloom said flatly. "Also, what's with your voice?"

"Oh, well, I... Had a cold then," the Doctor said, sniffing significantly. "A very... Bad..." He sniffed deeper and his pupils dilated slightly.

"Hello Doctor~," a breathless voice said near his ear. The Doctor moved his eyes over to see a blushing, panting Twilight Sparkle.

"Twilight Sparkle, I presume?" He asked with a smile. She was so close, to the point he felt her warm breath washing over his neck.

"Hello Twilight... Hello Twilight!" Applebloom called.

"Hm? Oh! Hello Applebloom," Twilight said quickly. "Doctor, I have a problem I need to resolve with you."

"Ah... What sort of problem?" The Doctor asked, though he was getting a pretty good idea what kind of problem it was.

"It's the kind of problem we need to solve in private," Twilight panted. "Or maybe in public."

"Ahhh... Yes, well, the public part might be a bit problematic," The Doctor said quickly. He began to slowly back away, and Twilight followed him. Applebloom looked between them, confused and angry.

"Hey! Ah'm trying to sell him apples!"

"This problem is much more important than apples," Twilight said quickly.

"What's more important than apples?" Applebloom growled.

Twilight looked in a random direction. "Look! Free cutie marks!"

"WHERE?" Applebloom cried.

"Woah!" The Doctor cried as telekinetic force yanked him away. He was floated in front of Twilight as she ran out of the marketplace. He gave her a nervous smile as she pretty much drooled at him.

"Ah, now wait a minute Twilight Sparkle, I'm pretty sure there's been some miscommunication here-"

"Are you single?" She demanded.

"Uh... What?" The Doctor asked.

"Single! Are you unattached? Are you currently mounting anypony?" She demanded. The Doctor coughed.

"Well, um, no, not at present-"

Twilight dropped him and turned around. "Well then..."

The Doctor covered his nose. "Ahhh... Um... Well, the thing is-"

"By Celestia's shapely flanks MOUNT ME ALREADY!" Twilight roared.

Salvation came in the form of a blast of flames, that shot between them. It disrupted the enticing scent of Twilight just enough for the Doctor to regain his senses. He backed off as Spike tackled Twilight and quickly trussed her up in rope.

"HEY! HEY! LET ME GO, LET ME-MMPH!" Spike shoved an apple into Twilight's mouth, and the glare she shot him was every lyric of the Death Riders' power metal ballad "Charge Into Blood Spikes That Are Also on Fire" (Now available in stores).

"Quick thinking, though it doesn't solve the problem of her attractiveness," the Doctor said. "Makes it worse, really."

"Watch it, she's technically my mom," Spike growled. The Doctor raised his eyebrows.

"So... She's open minded then?"

"Not like THAT!" Spike stated flatly. He turned to the Doctor. "Do you know what's wrong with her?"

"Well, I can say with reasonable accuracy that she's probably in heat," the Doctor said. "Just a guess, mind you."

"Heat?" Spike asked, confused.

"You know... When she goes into estrus? Wants a stallion to put a bun in her oven?" The Doctor explained with a slightly nervous smile.

"... What does this have to do with baking?" Spike asked, mystified. The Doctor sighed, and motioned with his hoof for Spike to come closer. He bent down and whispered quickly into Spike's ear. The purple dragon's eyes became very wide.

"Oh... OH! Oh... Oh _ew_," he said with a grimace. "That means when she was watching me sleep she... Ew!"

"I am curious as to why you reacted so strongly to my earlier implication she did that with a dragon," the Doctor said.

"It wasn't to that, but now it's even worse!" Spike groaned and rubbed his temples. "Great, just great... What do we do?"

"Well," the Doctor said carefully, "I wouldn't be adverse to... You know, helping her out."

"Then why were you so reluctant before, huh?" Spike growled.

"Do you want to see me taking care of it with her in public?" The Doctor asked flatly. Spike grimaced.

"Good point..."

"What did she do for her previous heats?" The Doctor asked. Spike rubbed his chin.

"Well, I'm not sure... She's never acted like this before."

"Hang on a tick," the Doctor said. "I'll get some information." He galloped off quickly, leaving Spike to stare after him.

"Hey! Hang on, when will you be back?"

"Hello! Back!"

"HUH?" Spike turned and looked over his shoulder. There was the Doctor again, right behind him. The chestnut stallion sniffled.

"Ugh... Sorry, had to go catch a cold which really was quite fascinating. Also had to visit a certain filly about some apples. Anyway! You were saying...?"

"... I'm not even going to ask," Spike sighed. "Okay. How come she's never acted this way before?"

"Well, from what I know about her... Now," the stallion nodded, as though confirming this moment's now-ness, "she spent most of her time in the library, studying, training, writing?"

"Yeah," Spike said.

"A lot of stallions around?"

"Oh... Oh! I get it now," Spike said. "This is her first heat in Ponyville, and because there are so many stallions around..." His eyes widened. "Uh oh."

"Uh oh, indeed," the Doctor said with a nod.

"So, what do we do?" Spike asked again.

"Frankly, I'm not sure," the doctor said with a frown. "I mean, I have been around but my advice won't carry the same weight... You know, I can't help thinking we've forgotten something."

"What have we forgotten?" Spike asked. An apple hit him in the head, thanks to telekinetic force. Ropes flew around the Doctor and wrapped around him, sending him to the ground.

"Oof!" Both males cried. They looked up to see Twilight standing up, free, with glowing eyes and a wide smile on her face.

"Ah. Yes. Magic unicorn, totally forgot," the Doctor said sagely. "Won't forget next time!"

_"If there is a next time!"_

* * *

A dress does not become a disaster all at once. Like a frog in a kettle, the temperature must rise slowly and inexorably for it to boil to death, and it must involve failure at multiple points in the process of designing, cutting, and knitting. Rarity, however, could see disasters coming and the frustration would only come from the fact that she had to carry on despite it being a disaster.

No, what was really frustrating was a dress whose outcome would stubbornly stay elusive. It sounded strange but many dresses, despite how much effort she put into them, would keep their true form hidden. A fabric that didn't cooperate, a stitch that didn't quite mesh, a gem that stubbornly refused ideal placement...

"Hrmph," she grunted, and set down her implements. She leaned forward on her worktable, resting her chin on her hooves to glare at the disparate elements of fabric and gems that littered the fine wood surface.

"Aren't you stubborn?" She said, almost accusingly, at the fabric. It didn't respond, not that she really expected an answer. Divine revelation was not among her many talents.

She slid her hooves off and trotted over to the kitchenette she kept in the back, and set some tea to boil. She watched it, meditating on the sounds made by the roiling water. Perhaps it would help her clear her head.

And failing that, there was always the tea.

The door bell rang, and Rarity started.

"A customer!" She said. She smoothed out her mane, and trotted out to the front of the store. She put on her best smile.

"Welcome to the Carousel Boutique, how may I... Oh! Hello Big Mac," Rarity greeted the large stallion.

"Hello Miss Rarity," Big Mac replied with a smile. Rarity returned it. The two ponies stood there for a while, neither saying anything, just smiling.

"... Can I help you?" Rarity asked at last.

"Eeyup," Big Mac said. He reached into his saddlebag, and pulled out a sad looking, beat up gray doll.

"Oh! That old doll of Twilight's," Rarity said. "Would you like me to fix it for you?"

Big Mac nodded. "Eeyup."

"Well certainly, it won't take a moment," Rarity said with a warm smile... A smile that got warmer as she took Big Mac in.

_Mmm... You know, I never noticed how rugged he really is... His fetlocks are unshorn, how... Scandalous,_ her cheeks turned red and she bit her lower lip. She lifted a hoof to her mouth.

_Mmm... I can smell him from here... I could just eat him up..._

"Miss Rarity?" Big Mac asked.

Rarity blinked. She saw a pair of large eyes staring back at hers, and felt Big Mac's breath from his nostrils washing over her face.

"Ahem!" She coughed, turning away with a deep blush. "Sorry, I thought I saw a... Log in your eye! But it turns out there's nothing, I'll be right back!" She galloped off with the doll into the backroom, and slammed the door shut behind her.

Big Mac blinked and stared after her. He sniffed the air... And blushed himself.

"Nope, nope," he said, shaking his head.

Rarity pressed her back against the door, great heaving breaths filling her lungs as she tried to calm down.

"Oh no... Oh no... How... How could it be? It's too early, it's too early!" She wailed. "Oh nooo... This is the Worst! Thing! Ever!" She summoned her couch and fell atop it, holding a hoof to her forehead.

"I'm so very fertile... And he's so... Mmm... Virile..." Rarity rapidly shook her head. "Nononono! No! He is very nice, Rarity, but you cannot go and have your way with Big Mac! It would be improper..."

Her horn lit up and slowly the doorknob began to turn. Rarity glared up at her horn, and it's glowing ceased.

"Besides, having foals at my age would absolutely ruin my figure..." She huffed. "... Although it would make me more mature, refined, give me that maternal glow... So many things I could knit for that-NO!" She shook her head furiously again. "Nononono!"

Rarity rushed to her sewing machine, selected the proper thread, put on her glasses and went about planning the repair job.

"Right... Get the job done, give it to him, and then a nice session at the spa," she decided aloud.

She activated the sewing machine... And watched the needle punch holes through the fabric. She bit her lower lip.

"... Okay, a nice _long_ session at the spa," she mumbled.

* * *

Twilight's library was usually a scene of tranquility and peace. However, if any ponies were eavesdropping at the moment, they would undoubtedly overhear a furious struggle going on that would set many a tongue wagging.

True, Twilight Sparkle and her friends were always a subject of rumors, stories and outright fabrications-That came with the territory for the saviors of all ponykind. But this would present something far different from the usual gossip concerning mad science and unleashing horrors from beyond the stars that usually constituted these rumors.

"Gah... Doctor! Doctor, I don't know how much more of this I can take!" Spike said. He was smacked with a broom. "OW!"

The Doctor, for his part, was reading through several volumes on female equine physiology and sexuality, magic, and the Elements of Harmony all at once. On the table in between the books was a silver and blue pen-shaped object.

"Hold on Spike, I'm not even through the first half. Did you know that it was Greensage the Pure who wrote the Pony Sutras? Huh! I know who I'm going to visit next trip..."

"DOCTOR!" Spike wailed as he was thrown via telekinetic force into a bookshelf. The Doctor looked up just in time to see a purple blur tackle him.

"OOF!" They slid on the smooth, well kept wooden floor into a table, the crazed mare atop him.

"Ah... Twilight, really, this is not the best-"

"What's the problem NOW?" She demanded. "I'm hot and willing and I saved the freaking world several times! What could POSSIBLY be unattractive about me?"

"Er, well... We don't really know each other very personally," the Doctor said delicately, thankful for his cold. Without it her pheromones would probably render him just as crazed as she was.

"So you're being chivalrous?" Twilight asked, in a nearly lucid tone. The Doctor smiled and nodded quickly.

"Yes!"

"Don't care!" Twilight growled, and she kissed him deeply. The Doctor waved his front hooves frantically, and with a quick roll was able to put her on the bottom.

"Ooh... Taking charge?" She practically purred.

"Not exactly-_OH LOOK A BIG SHINY THING_!" The Doctor cried, pointing above her.

"Huh?" Twilight asked, looking up. The Doctor galloped across the room and frantically searched through the books. He grinned in triumph as he held up his silver and blue tool, and turned just in time to see Twilight stalking towards him.

"Now, see here Twilight Sparkle. I'm awfully busy trying to help you..." After all, he didn't think Spike would appreciate him... Er... 'Helping' his mother figure right in the library. Besides, this heat was rather frightening in it's intensity.

"You can help me in a _much better_ way right now," she panted.

"If you could just give me a moment..." The Doctor tried again. Twilight broke into a gallop, about to spring for the pounce. The Doctor sighed.

"Oh bloody..." He pointed the pen-like device at her, and it glowed and buzzed-Both loudly. Twilight gasped and collapsed, her legs twitching as she let out several gasps and cries.

Spike, woozily, staggered over to the Doctor. He watched Twilight writhe and looked at the Doctor.

"What did you do to her?"

"I reset my sonic screwdriver to... Er... Induce certain reactions that should minimize the effects of her heat, at least for the time being," the Doctor replied. As Twilight moaned loudly, Spike gave the chestnut stallion a deadpan look.

"You... _soniced_ her?"

"... Yes."

"Sonic me again! _Sonic me again!_" Twilight cried deliriously. The Doctor facehoofed.

"Spike, tie her up again, I've got a lot of reading to do still..."

"Why can't I read and you tie her up?"

"You want to sonic her, then?"

"I'll get more rope," the dragon grumbled.

* * *

**_And this is where I go to Pony Hell._**


	2. Chapter 2

**Beating the Heat**

**or**

**Friendship is Kinky**

_**A My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction**_

**By Andrew J. Talon**

**DISCLAIMER:****This is a non-profit fan-made work of prose. My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic is the property of Hasbro. Please support the official release.**

**Author's Note: I... REGRET... NOTHING!**

* * *

High above Ponyville, lying on a cloud as was her wont, Rainbow Dash snored softly in a deep sleep. Gently snoozing, there was no sign of any turmoil in her peaceful visage.

"Mmmm..." Quite the contrary, she seemed to be having an excellent dream. She twisted and turned, rolling onto her stomach and pushing her hips up high. "Yeahhh... Ahhh... Mmmm...!"

On another cloud, the appropriately named Dumb Bell, the confusingly named Score, and the equally appropriately named Hoops, were watching her with some interest. Former bullies of Rainbow Dash in flight school, after the Young Flyer's Competition they had become something even worse:

Admirers.

"Hey dude, what's with her?" Hoops asked his companion.

"Not a clue," Dumb Bell said. "But it's nice to watch, isn't it?"

"Yeah... It's... What do you call it... Allaying?"

"I think it's alternating," Dumb Bell stated.

"Ah, right," Hoops said.

Score, as was his want, merely laughed. Hoops and Dumb Bell paid it no mind-Their big friend was just kind of like that.

Their boorish musings were cut short by Rainbow Dash crying out as she wriggled and wiggled all over her cloud.

"Yes... Yes... YEE HAA! RIDE 'EM BRONY!" She cried out in bliss. The three male pegasus looked at each other curiously, before dropping off their cloud to fly up to her.

"Hey, Rainbow Dash? Rainbow Dash!" Hoops called.

"You all right?" Dumb Bell asked.

Rainbow Dash groaned, and slowly opened her eyes. She looked over at the three pegasus, licked her lips and gave them a come hither look that brought a blush to the face of all three of the stallions.

After a moment's realization, however, her eyes widened and she covered her nose.

"Oh, no. No. NO! Not even for the Wonderbolts!" She cried.

"What's wrong?" Dumb Bell asked.

"N-N-Nothing! I'm just... I'm infected with the... The T-Virus!" She cried.

"Duhduhduh," Dumb Bell added. At the curious looks he received from his companions, he shrugged.

"Is it serious? Can we help you out?" Hoops asked. Rainbow Dash gasped.

"No! Ew, are you kidding? NO! Not for all the... I mean... N-No, I'm fine," Rainbow Dash said quickly and nervously.

"Is there anypony we can get to help you?" Dumb Bell asked in genuine concern.

Rainbow Dash's eyes became glazed, and she hummed in such a way that Hoops very nearly crashed due to how stiff his wings became.

"Mmmm... Find me some royal guards... Ooh... Or maybe Soarin', of the Wonderbolts... Maybe Soarin' and Spitfire togetherrrrr..." She trailed off abruptly at the stares. She shook her head free of distracting thoughts and coughed violently.

"N-No! No! I'm fine! I'm fine! I just need to... To..."

"What?" Dumb Bell asked, moving forward just enough to get in scenting distance. Rainbow Dash saw this, and her eyes widened almost comically in terror.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" She shrieked, practically knocking the dark brown pegasus out of the air. She zipped off, a rainbow colored blur that was screaming right for her home.

The three pegasus looked at each other again.

"... Damn, that mare is crazy," Score opined.

"I guess she's just having a really rotten day," Hoops assessed. "Hey! Why don't we see if we can cheer her up?"

"How? Bring her the royal guards and the Wonderbolts?" Dumb Bell asked sarcastically.

"Yes!" Hoops said.

"Oh," Dumb Bell said. He nodded. "I thought it'd be something stupid and impossible."

* * *

Rainbow Dash's cloud sanctum was rapidly transformed from a peaceful, picturesque castle into a fortress of doom. Dark stormclouds were positioned at every entrance and window, spikes made of ice jutted out menacingly, and the rainbow waterfall was redirected into a moat... Though what good that would do against ponies that could fly was debatable.

Rainbow Dash, satisfied her home was invasion proof, undertook the most important part of the whole project.

She started up a cold shower from a raincloud and got under it. She was shivering, and not entirely out of cold.

"Ewwww... F-F-Foals with those guys?" She shuddered. "Gr-Gross!"

Now making foals with one of those hunky royal guards, the strong silent type... Or maybe Soarin', that was the ticket... And Spitfire... Well, they couldn't make foals but it would still improve things-

"SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP!" Rainbow Dash cried, covering her ears as though to ward off her thoughts. She groaned. "Stupid hormones..."

* * *

"Bloody hell, if I knew it would take this long just to find the appropriate books, I'd have gone back to get original copies," the Doctor grumbled as he read through an ancient-looking volume entitled The Elements of Harmony: Myths and Legends. Nearby, Twilight Sparkle was bound and gagged, Spike sitting on top of her with an exhausted look upon his face.

"Geez... Go back where?" Spike asked flatly.

"Back... To the library, of course!" The Doctor said quickly. Spike glared at him, and the chestnut pony coughed.

"Right... Okay... I think I have what we need." He tapped the book. "This passage indicates that the Elements of Harmony are tapped into the most primal, primordial forces of life, while being framed by the virtues that define good."

"... So... Magic is the door, the virtues are the key?" Spike asked.

"Well... Sort of... In that it's not actually anything like that unless you have a key that's a door and a door that's a key but I digress-Let's just go with that," the Doctor said, seeing that smoke was beginning to curl away from the irate dragon's nostrils. "Point is, magic is a force of life... And what does life want to do more than anything else?"

"... Reproduce!" Spike said, slamming a fist into his palm. "Of course! And because Twilight is the holder of the Element of Magic-"

"Her heat is amplified by her virtue. There's irony for you," Doctor said with raised eyebrows.

"... Wait. What does this mean about the others?" Spike asked.

"The others? Oh! Right! The others!" The Doctor said. The chestnut colored pony's eyes widened, and he held his hooves to his temple.

"THE OTHERS? THE OTHERS! YOU MEAN THE OTHERS WHO ARE SOME OF THE MOST MENTALLY UNSTABLE PONIES AROUND?" He shouted.

Spike thought for a while... And his eyes were as big as the Doctor's. His reaction though was far more succinct.

"... _Crap_."

* * *

"Welcome to the Sugar Corner! I am Pinkie Pie, how can I do you?" Pinkie Pie asked cheerfully.

Braeburn, visiting his cousins and taking in the sights, blinked rapidly at the strange pink pony he knew from Appleloosa. More specifically from setting off the war between ponies and buffalo in Appleloosa with her singing and dancing.

"Ah... Pardon me, ma'am?"

"Oh, you're pardoned!" Pinkie Pie said cheerfully. She leaned over the counter on her elbows, her smile's temperature changing from "flirtatious" to "downright sultry" and way, way down to "take me now, stud."

How those could be defined as temperatures is beyond the author but given the subject at hand is Pinkie Pie, said author was confident he'd be forgiven.

"... Thank you kindly?" Braeburn offered.

"So! What can I get you?" Pinkie Pie asked. "Maybe... A nice, gooey, delicious cream pie?" She ran her tongue over her teeth and then lightly trapped her tongue between her jaws. Braeburn tugged at his collar, feeling very hot all of a sudden.

"Ahhh... Well... That does sound mighty appetizin', miss..."

"It'd even be on the house, given how naughty I was during the whole Appleloosa incident," Pinkie said, pressing her body over the counter. It was impossible for Braeburn to not notice how the pink pony's hindquarters were raised... As though in invitation...

Braeburn shook his head furiously, clearing it of any inappropriate thoughts, before he gave the pink pony a smile.

"Oh, think nothin' of it, miss! Why, without that pie war, the peace wouldn't have been possible. It was just, ya know, a big ol' release on the pressure."

"Yes... A nice, big, thrusting hard release," Pinkie Pie purred.

"... Ah, miss, ah don't remember any thrusting-"

_"RIDE ME LIKE A TRAIL OF MARSHMALLOWS!"_

"LAND O' GOSHEN!"

* * *

The sun was at around mid-morning height, and Applejack had already worked up a good, healthy sweat from a morning of hard work. She grinned over at the wagons of apples all packed up and ready to be put away in the shadow of the great Apple family barn.

"Haa..." She smiled cheerfully. She looked over the piles of apples in wagons, breathing hard.

"Not bad for a morning's work!" The orange pony exulted.

"Not bad for a weekend's work," rattled a familiar, ancient voice. Applejack looked over at Granny, who was approaching with her walker. "Landsake, Applejack! You've cut a harvest's worth! What's gotten into you?"

"Well... Ah don't rightly know," Applejack admitted. "It's a funny feelin', like what ah get around..."

"Around...?" Prompted Granny Smith. Applejack flushed.

"Around the days ah go jump in th' lake," she confided. Granny Smith blinked, then nodded.

"Ahhh... Ah remember such days in my youth. When ah would work and work and work like one of them newfangled machines, mah shapely flanks glistenin' in the sun-"

"Ah, Granny," Applejack tried, but Granny continued.

"Shush girl, ah'm tryin' to tell you mah story! Anyway, where was ah?"

"Uhhh..." Applejack tried, but Granny beat her to the punch.

"Oh yes! Mah glistening flanks attracted many a colt and stallion to watch. Crowds of 'em, all clamoring and panting over me," Granny said proudly. "Every one of 'em a hard working steed! Why, if it were up t' me ah'd have ridden them all long, long, long into the night, and some of 'em ah actually-"

"Oh! Look! Apples! Apples needin' harvesting! Ah'd best tend to that, Granny!" Applejack said, galloping off. Granny continued her tale, as though missing her granddaughter's departure.

"Actually rode the dickens... Heh! Some of 'em couldn't walk afterwards, but then neither could ah for that matter..."

"Phew," Applejack sighed, wiping her brow off. As dearly as she loved her grandmother, there were many things she did not want to hear from her.

Finding out Granny Smith had posed in an issue of Playcolt had been comparatively tame, all things considered. Though Applejack supposed it did help her build up an immunity to such things.

There was a harsh, hot throb inside her, and she shuddered.

"Okay... Focus on current problem," she groaned, leaning against a tree. "No big deal... Jest gotta focus. Ain't another stallion around for a good distance, so ah can keep focused... Focused..." She nodded to herself.

"Focused..."

Across the meadows, a now naked Braeburn came into view, galloping like Nightmare Moon herself was after him. He slid to a halt in front of the bewildered Applejack and grabbed her shoulders.

"Cuz! Ya gotta help me!"

"Huh? What fer? What's wrong?" Applejack asked.

"Well... That there pink friend of yours has gone totally... Well... Please, ya gotta help me!" Braeburn cried desperately, shaking Applejack and looking deeply into her eyes. Applejack flushed dark red, then shoved him away.

"Ah ain't _that_ kind of cousin!" She said angrily.

"Neither am ah! But she's gainin' on me and ah-!"

"Oh Braeeeeburrrrnnn~," called a sultry, and somewhat familiar voice. Braeburn twitched.

"You never saw me!" He hissed. He turned and galloped off as fast as he could. A few moments later, Pinkie Pie came into view, skipping along as was her want.

"Oh Applejack... Where did Braeburn go?" She asked, batting her eyes. Applejack blinked, then slowly pointed to the right. Pinkie Pie beamed.

"Thank you!" She resumed skipping along, and soon vanished. Applejack watched where she had gone for a few moments, before shaking her head.

"Maybe Twilight's got something fer this," she muttered. "Can't understand it at all..."

She decided to see the mage unicorn to hopefully get this sorted out... But only after she'd found some noseplugs.

Upon reaching Granny Smith, however...

"... Then that big one in the middle said 'Ah reckon you ain't never seen one like this!' And ah said 'Eh, maybe once r' twice..."

"Ah think ah'll be fine," Applejack mumbled, feeling very queasy.

* * *

Big Macintosh was waiting patiently in the showroom part of Rarity's boutique, skimming some of the magazines provided to those who were waiting on deliveries. While not much for the intricacies of fashion himself, being a pragmatic stallion, Big Macintosh could appreciate looking his best at formal events. Indeed, he might just need a nice tux for... For...

_Whirkawhirkawhirkawhirka_...

A curious thing was happening to the top of the door the proprietress of the establishment had vanished behind: It was being cut through by a saw, which, due to it's glow, was being guided by a unicorn's telekinesis.

"Miss Rarity?" Big Macintosh called.

_Whirk-_

"Ah, yes, it's me!" Rarity said. "Sorry, um... Circumstances dictate I do this behind doors... I believe you can smell why?"

Big Mac coughed. "Ah... Eeyup, ah can miss, but ah think it's all right for you to come out now."

"What? Come out? In... In my condition?" Rarity gasped.

"Ah've taken precautions, miss," Big Mac assured her. "Ah believe if we conclude our business quickly, you will be quite safe."

"Ah... In all honesty, Big Macintosh, it's not my safety I'm concerned about," Rarity said with a wavering voice. Big Mac shook his head.

"Well it's a far sight better than havin' to saw a hole in your door, miss," the big red stallion pointed out. There was silence for a moment, before the saw was withdrawn. The lock was undone, and the door very, very slowly opened.

Rarity poked her head out from behind the door cautiously, and Big Mac was reminded of his youngest sister. Her eyes locked with his... And she smiled in delight.

"Oh! How clever!" She exclaimed. "A clothespin! Why didn't I think of that?"

"You had other things on your mind, miss, ain't nothing to it," Big Mac said modestly, if a bit nasally. He pointed to another clothespin with his protected nose, and Rarity snatched it up with her telekinesis to place it upon her own snout.

"Ahh... There we are," Rarity sighed through her mouth. "Yes... I believe I can control myself, just long enough." She turned around and Big Mac's eyes locked onto her flanks like a heat seeking magic missile. Certainly Big Mac had appreciated Rarity's fine form before, but in this instance it was far more...

He shook his head rapidly, closed his eyes, and counted to ten.

"Just a... Oh my, I seem to have misplaced it," Rarity called back. "Could you be a dear and help me, Big Macintosh~?"

There was a lilt to her voice that thrilled the... Well, lower extremities of his person, but made him cautious when his mind had had a thing or two to say about it.

"Ah'm not sure that would be a good idea," Big Mac said.

"Nonsense! I believe we're both mature, responsible enough ponies to... Resist our base natures long enough to complete our business," Rarity called back. Big Mac shelved his worries for the moment, despite old instinct telling him this wasn't what it appeared to be.

Just get Smartypants and get out. Keep your mind on the mission, as Sarge said, Big Mac thought to himself. He entered the back room with this in mind, and scanned the area with military precision.

So many feminine accoutrements and implements surrounded him, and Rarity was nowhere to be seen. He saw a staircase leading up, littered with a few scraps of fabric.

"Miss Rarity?" He risked calling as he got inside the door. It didn't slam shut immediately behind him, which Mac took as a good sign.

"Oh drat!" Rarity called from upstairs, "Now I remember! I took her upstairs to repair her in my bedroom! I didn't want to take any chances, you understand. Would you come up and help me?"

Big Mac fought down a blush. "Ah, miss, ah'm not sure that would be appropriate-"

"Speed is of the essence, is it not?" Rarity pushed. "We are both mature ponies, capable of knowing exactly what we want."

The unusual emphasis of her words added to the worry in Big Mac's mind, but he put it down. She was right, and he was confident in his ability to fight her off if it came down to that.

He ascended the steps cautiously, avoiding the fabric. He came up into the upper part of her home, and saw the door to what he presumed was her bedroom, wide open. Big Mac narrowed his eyes.

He army crawled (not an easy thing to do as a stallion but possible) up to the door. He looked inside, and spied Smartypants covered by a blanket in the center of the room. Rarity was searching a bit frantically through some chests of materials just within sight, her round bottom undulating up and down as she looked. Big Mac kept his focus on Smartypants, and as silently as he could, trotted up to the doll and picked it up.

The door slammed shut behind him, and he winced at the sound of the lock turning. Rarity turned around, clothespin forgotten and a wide, devious smile on her face.

"Welcome to my parlor~," she purred, advancing on him.

"Said the spider to the fly," Big Mac completed, eyes narrowed. He backed away as the lust crazed mare advanced.

"Come now Big Mac... As I emphasized before, we're both responsible, mature ponies. We both know what we want~," she got right in his personal space and pressed her nuzzle against his. "Is there anything wrong in getting it?"

"When you've made yer intentions clear, Miss, before layin' this trap, there is for me," Big Mac returned calmly, even as sweat began to break out on his brow.

"Oh, that was just me being a bit afraid of what I was feeling," Rarity dismissed, nuzzling his nose with a breathy sigh. "Now I'm completely certain of what I want."

"With respect, miss, this ain't exactly normal behavior fer you and ah fear you'd regret things afterwards," Big Mac calmly said, even as he began to back up towards the door. "Ah don't want to hurt you."

"So... You're going to make this difficult?" Rarity asked, almost hurt. Big Mac narrowed his eyes and snorted as best he could through a clothespin on his nose.

"Ah never give up easy in anything, Miss Rarity."

"Good," Rarity purred, "neither do I! That's one reason I'm entirely sure of what I'm doing." She laughed, as ribbons, scissors, needles, yards of fabric, and ornate ropes rose around her. "And is anything really worth it if it's an easy victory?"

"Ah don't expect it is," Big Mac returned, tensed and ready for a rumble.

"Then let this be your last battlefield... Of love!" Rarity cried.

_Ah knew it was a bad day to get out of bed,_ Big Mac thought.

* * *

Outside the Carousel Boutique, the Doctor, Spike, and a bound and gagged Twilight in a wagon came to an abrupt stop as the sounds of intense combat could be heard occurring from within the shop.

"Oh my gosh!" Spike gasped, raising his clawed fingers to his cheeks. "Rarity! We've gotta get in there and save-!"

One of the windows was smashed by a very large, red colored and Big Mac-shaped object. Given the possibilities, the Doctor had to go with the theory that the mysterious projectile was in fact Big Macintosh.

"Big Macintosh? Are you all right?"

"Nnnope," Big Macintosh groaned, as he slowly got to his hooves. He was scratched, bruised, pinned and even had some rope burns... But he had a wide, feral smile on his face.

"What's going on?" Spike demanded. "Where's Rarity?"

"Inside," Big Mac said. "Ah'm holdin' her off as best ah can."

"Do you need help?" Spike asked. "I'll do anything to help her!"

"No, no... This is the kind o' thing only ah can do," Big Mac said.

"Yes! Just look at him! He's going right into the depths of peril to aid her!" The Doctor observed.

"I can handle peril!" Spike protested. Big Mac laid a heavy hoof on his shoulder.

"Ah'm afraid it's just too perilous," Big Mac said.

"But there's only one of her! I want to face the peril!"

"No, it's just too perilous!" The Doctor said, pulling Spike away.

"Don'tcha worry none. Ah'll keep her from hurtin' anypony, but ah need to do it alone," Big Mac said.

"I think we should listen to him, Spike," the Doctor said. "Besides, we need to make sure the others are safely contained first."

Spike pouted. "But... But...!"

Fabrics of every kind, formed into a whip, lashed out through the window and wrapped around Big Macintosh. With large eyes, he fell over as he was dragged back in. Spike grabbed onto his hooves.

"No! No! Big Mac, hold on! Let me go in your place!" Spike wailed.

Big Mac shook his head. "Nnnope. Ah'm afraid... She may be too much fer me..." He gave Spike a fiery look. "You've gotta let me to her! And do what you can fer the others! Like a real stallion would!"

Spike sniffled, feeling manly tears coming to his eyes. "I... I will, Big Mac! For you!"

"Thank you," Big Mac said.

"We'll come back for you when we're done, I promise!" Spike said.

"Ah... No, no, that's all right," Big Mac said quickly, trying to contain a grin. "This... Is the kind o' thing you can only have one stallion fer. Otherwise it's really... Awkward."

"Huh?" Spike asked.

"Go on! Live fer me, Spike!" Big Mac quickly called, as he was yanked back into the boutique. "Live fer meeeeoooohhh!"

The Doctor turned Spike away. "Trust me... You don't want to watch. This won't be pretty."

A beat.

"Well! I suppose the fabric designs are rather inspired... Oh wow, I had no idea she knew how to make something like that! I guess you learn something new every day!"

Spike sniffled a bit, and turned away from the Doctor entirely. He took a deep breath before clenching his fists together.

"Don't worry, Big Mac! I won't let you down!" Spike said dramatically. He turned to Twilight, to share that reassurance with her... But found his gallant speech would have been addressed only to an empty wagon.

"Doctor! Doctor, Twilight is-Is... Is..." He covered his eyes with his claws.

"Let me guess... She remembered she can teleport, grabbed you, teleported out... And I'm talking to myself."

He turned and looked. He groaned.

"I hate being right..."

* * *

**Yes, a Monty Python reference. What do you want? I had to make the joke.  
**


	3. Chapter 3

**Beating the Heat**

**or**

**Friendship is Kinky**

_**A My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction**_

**By Andrew J. Talon**

**DISCLAIMER:****This is a non-profit fan-made work of prose. My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic is the property of Hasbro. Please support the official release.**

**Author's Note: I... REGRET... NOTHING!**

* * *

Applejack trotted purposefully down the road to Twilight's home, a clothespin tightly pinched around her snout. Her stride was hurried, but not panicked. Just because Pinkie Pie was in heat at the same time Applejack was did not imply a connection, despite the fact her natural skepticism was battling with her experience-informed intuition.

_There doesn't have to be a disaster every other week in Ponyville_, Applejack mused, quite reasonably she thought. I_t does not follow that every pony in Ponyville has gone into crazed heat at the same time. I have no proof of the first premise, therefore it does not follow that conclusion is true._

Satisfied with her logic, she continued on. She smiled, feeling her mood lighten.

_In fact, it's more likely that Pinkie and ah are just synchronized, and if ah weren't related to him ah suspect ah might be more than a little sweet on Braeburn. Ah've got my nostrils pinched and ah've got my self control. Perfect self-control... Perfect self-control..._

"Hey Applejack!"

"Hey Caramel," Applejack greeted the stallion as they passed by each other. Applejack increased her speed, feeling more confident. Not a single reaction to Caramel passing by...

She heard hooves hitting the dirt road hard behind her, and looked over her shoulders. Caramel had come around and was gaining on her.

"What in tarnation-Caramel!" Applejack broke into a gallop, riding hard enough to kick up a dust cloud behind her. Caramel continued to gain, his tongue hanging out of his mouth.

"Hang on Applejack! You smell, haa, great!" Caramel cried.

"It's the apples! Ah _always_ smell like apples!" Applejack shouted back.

Caramel came up alongside her, and sniffed her deeply. A longing, hungry smile came on his face and he nipped her mane with his teeth.

"Ah!" Applejack cried, and she hit the brakes. Caramel took a few moments to stop himself, and he came around. Applejack backed up, her eyes narrowing.

"Now now, Caramel... Take it easy... Ah don't wanna knock yer block off but by Celestia's shiny mane I will end you if you don't stop!"

"Mmm... It's all right. I'm fine with it being rough," Caramel said with a cheerful smile.

"It's just mah heat, nothin' else!" Applejack said. "Yer reactin' to it!"

"So... There's something wrong with me being attracted to you?" Caramel asked.

"Of course not! But right now ah think something's wrong-"

Caramel pounced, and Applejack had to roll out of the way. Back up on her hooves, she jumped up over Caramel and landed on the nearby cattlefence. Caramel grinned at her and jumped onto the fence with her.

"Caramel, listen to me! You don't want none of this! You'll _really_ regret it!" Applejack cried.

"Come on AJ! You have any idea how hard up I've been?" Caramel complained. "It's bad enough my cousin pretends to be me and makes the fillies think I'm into stallions or a mare myself!" He jumped for Applejack's post, and Applejack jumped off back onto the road. She glared up at him.

"Well ah'm very sorry to hear that but there ain't nothing ah can do right now! We ain't in our right minds!"

"Come on! Let's make some Candied Apples!" Caramel grinned. Applejack sighed, spun around... And bucked the heck out of the fencepost, sending Caramel slamming into a tree right behind the fence. He slid down to the ground in a dazed heap.

"Oof! Errrgghhh..." Caramel groaned. Applejack took several deep breaths and centered herself, before she pulled a clothespin out of her saddlebag and fitted it onto Caramel's nostrils.

"Sorry about that, Caramel, but when you get onto puns yer too far gone fer words," Applejack consoled.

"Owww..."

"Come on," Applejack said, hefting Caramel up onto her back with a grunt. "Ah'll get ya to the nurse, and then we'll clear this up." She set out for Nurse Redheart's clinic in a hard gallop, cursing her own stupidity. She'd given so much thought to her own reactions she hadn't paid any to the possibility of male reactions!

But who could've known Caramel would react that strongly? She couldn't help her blush at his warmth, weight and... Certain aspects of his scent, but shook her head free of the distractions of lust.

"Ah'd better get this resolved right quick," Applejack said aloud. "Twilight'll be able to sort this out."

After all, what were the odds she had been hit by heat too? That'd be about as ridiculous as Fluttershy getting hit, and _then_ they'd be in _real_ trouble...

* * *

"Oh my, oh dear, oh my, oh dear…"

Angel Bunny, wearing a tiny apron and a chef's hat, peered from Fluttershy's kitchen and towards his owner and friend, who was fluttering back and forth around her living room anxiously. The white rabbit folded one ear and raised the other high as his eyebrows cocked in a similar fashion. What had gotten into his gentle, if flighty friend?

Setting her hoofs down, Fluttershy trotted in place, occasionally turning in half circles with her tail raised high, and her wings fluttering restlessly. "Oh my, oh dear…"

At first dismissing it as Fluttershy being Fluttershy, Angel turned to go back to cook his hay casserole, when he performed a double-take and stared at what had raised the red flag in his rabbit mind: Her tail was raised.

When he sniffed the air, it wrinkled in disgust as he got a noseful of pony pheromones, and quickly covered his nose with a paw. Taking off his hat, he threw it at Fluttershy's head, catching her attention.

"Ah? Oh, what is it Angel?" She asked when she looked to him.

Angel glared at her and pointed out the door. Following where his free paw was aimed, Fluttershy turned back and shook her head. "Oh no, I can't go outside, one whiff and it'll be over for me. Don't you remember what happened last time?"

Evidently, Angel did not care, as he pointed at the door again.

Fluttershy looked back towards the door, in trepidation. "Oh please, Angel, can't you be the one to go outside?"

Angel glared at her, is arms folded as he tilted his head back towards the kitchen.

Fluttershy raised a hoof too her mouth. "I forgot that you were cooking. I'm sorry, Angel, it honestly slipped my mind. I'm so distracted by this…oh…"

A flash of heat snaked through Fluttershy, and she began to pace again. "Oh my, oh dear, oh my, oh dear…"

Angel slapped a paw to his forehead, and then got an idea. Turning around, the little bunny hopped into the kitchen, and opened the window over the sink, giving him a perfect view of the Everfree Forest. Jumping from the sink, he hopped past the still pacing Fluttershy and right up to the front door, which he hopped up and opened wide.

Sure enough, a breeze coming from the direction of Ponyville blew right through the front door and out the back window, creating a cross-breeze that Fluttershy was directly in the path of.

"Oh my, oh dear, oh my, or dear, oh my, oh dear…oh…oh…" The breeze washed over her, and Fluttershy trailed off as her nose was suddenly filled with the aromas from nearby Ponyville. It sent a thrill straight through her, when on those aromas was the familiar and oh so welcoming smell of stallions. That promptly did it for her, and the heat that was coiling about inside her constricted her resistance to her instincts and strangled it into unconsciousness.

"Oh..._oh my_…" Her voice lowered a number of octaves, and became husky at the very end. Her lips turned up into a smirk, and her eyes becoming half-lidded, Fluttershy let out a soft giggle and trotted out the door, her wings providing an extra spring in her step.

The moment she was out, Angel slammed the door shut and sighed in relief now that she and her stench of estrus were gone. He loved Fluttershy, and she was his best friend, but she really just needed to let go sometimes.

Picking up his hat, he hopped back into the kitchen to resume cooking his dish.

Crossing the bridge to her house, Fluttershy trotted towards an unsuspecting and completely unprepared Ponyville.

* * *

Braeburn slowed his gallop to a crawl, and took deep heaving breaths to regain his stamina. He lifted his head and looked around, trying to get his bearings.

"Haa... Haa... Let's see..." He murmured. He looked up at the sky overhead: Stormclouds in random and irregular patterns traced their way across it. He looked around at the trees-Yes, they were dense, dark and ominous with shadows hiding potential dangers.

"And... Ah think ah just stepped in something," he observed, examining his hoof.

"Into my TRAP!" Growled some horrible, monstrous crocodile-like reptile that lunged out of the underbrush. Braeburn jumped above it's snapping jaws, and landed on it's head with a grin.

"Of course! Ah'm in Everfree Forest!" He said with a cheerful laugh. "_Nopony_ could be crazy enough to follow me in here!"

"Uh..." The land crocodile blinked at him curiously. "But... You were crazy enough to come in."

"Well yeah, but that's a functional craziness," Braeburn returned. "Ah can _recognize_ it's crazy, therefore, I ain't crazy. Get it?"

"Not really," the land croc replied, raising the scaly equivalent of an eyebrow. "What are you running from, anyway?"

"A mare," Braeburn said.

"... Are you married then?" The croc asked.

"Ah, no," Braeburn said.

"Kick the ball for the other team?"

"No!" Braeburn said harshly. The croc huffed.

"No need to be so sensitive about it!"

"Well, ah was a mite confused over a buffalo who looked like a colt but was actually a mare and it's been a tense topic ever since," Braeburn admitted. The croc huffed irritably.

"Very well, but what about this mare?"

"Well... She just jumped me. Right outta nowhere. She chased me all over these lands!"

"Ah... Heat then?" The croc asked. Braeburn nodded.

"Definitely, but unlike any ah've ever seen before."

"Is she unattractive, either physically or non-physically?" The croc inquired. Braeburn blinked.

"Well... No, not really."

"Is she of too dissimilar a temperament to your own for a relationship to work?" The croc asked again.

"Well... Ah don't think so, no," Braeburn said.

"Then what's the problem?"

"You talk like this with all your potential meals?" Braeburn asked. The croc gave him a wry look.

"In this forest, intelligent conversation is at a premium. It is either ruminate upon my loneliness as an intellectual, or seek out prey that can at least offer some company that is at the very least not idiotic."

"How am I doin' on that end?"

"At the very least, I am sure you would give me indigestion," the croc said dryly.

"Thanks... Ah think," Braeburn said with a raised brow of his own.

"If you wish to prove yourself intelligent, then I suggest confronting this filly and being a stallion about it," the croc concluded. "You do not look the soft type, after all."

"You're right!" Braeburn said with a determined smile. "Ah shouldn't run! Ah'm a pioneer and a darn hardy one! Why should one crazy filly make me feel like turnin' tail?"

"Exactly," the croc said. "Now, if you don't mind, unless you'd like to be food I suggest you-"

_"YIPPEE KI YAY!"_ Cried the Pink Pony, as she dramatically swung in on a vine and kicked the croc in his side. The great reptile rolled onto his back with a shout, and Braeburn tumbled off.

"Oof! Pinkie Pie, what are you-?"

Braeburn was cut short in his shocked exclamation, and his jaw dropped as Pinkie Pie proceeded to yank the crocodile's forearms behind his back with her forelegs, while her back legs had captured his tail and yanked it forward.

"AUGH! YOUNG-YOUNG FILLY, STOP! STOP! I-WHAT ARE YOU DOING-?"

"Say it!" Pinkie Pie growled. "Say it say it _say it!"_

"ARGH! S-Say _what?"_

"Say _uncle_!" Pinkie Pie shouted. "Say it!" She wratcheted up the tension and the land croc whimpered loudly.

"Say uncle! Say uncle!" The croc cried.

"You're saying it wrong!" Pinkie Pie laughed. "Just say uncle! UNCLE!"

"_UNCLLLLEEEE!"_ The crocodile cried, as very real tears came from his eyes. Pinkie Pie released him, and trotted happily over to Braeburn as the land croc whimpered behind her.

"Hi Braeburn! I still want you to ride me like a trail of marshmallows but I saw you were wrestling that croc and I realized I like to wrestle crocs too so I wanted to do it together before you mounted me how about you do you feel like mounting me now because I totally-MMPH!"

Braeburn stuck his hoof in her mouth... And found he didn't mind her sucking on it as though it was a lollipop.

"Yer gonna wanna save some of that air fer me, darlin'," Braeburn said with a growl as he gave into his instincts, "because yer gonna need _all_ of it."

Pinkie Pie squealed happily, and pounced onto the stallion. The land crocodile, groaning in pain nearby, looked over at the two ponies.

"Excuse me... I'm in terrific pain right now... I think a rib slipped... Yes, yes it did, that's a whole new level of agony I have yet to experience, until now... You're not even listening to me, are you?" The crocodile sighed and closed his eyes.

"'Go to university', she said. 'You'll have so many females vying to let you fertilize their eggs you won't know what to do with them,' she said. I _hate_ mammals..."

* * *

The Doctor slowly came awake, and wiggled his limbs. Carefully, he opened his eyes to small slits, and took stock of his situation.

"I always do seem to end up in a bind," the chestnut pony observed, as he saw he was suspended from a wall in Twilight's library with ropes and chains. "Huh! Spread eagle. A bit old but given the circumstances... Appropriate," he said with an ironic smile. The shutters were closed and the only light came from a number of candles magically floating around. Warm red curtains decorated the walls. His sonic screwdriver sat on a table in front of him, just out of reach.

"Oh! You're awake," said Twilight Sparkle. She trotted into view, wearing dark legging on all four of her limbs, and a choker on her throat. She couldn't help an embarrassed smile when he looked at her.

"And you're... Not quite as, er, intense," the Doctor said.

"Well... Your sonic helped me regain my wits," Twilight said. "I was acting a bit... Crazed, really. I'm much better now."

The Doctor looked at his bonds, and then at Twilight's appearance as she opened a book entitled The Magic of Love: Slaps and Kisses Edition.

"_Obviously_," the Doctor quipped. "So... Usually this is the part where you tell me all your plans."

"It is?" Twilight asked, flipping through the book.

"Well, it's been my experience," the Doctor said conversationally.

"So... You're _experienced_ in this sort of thing?" Twilight inquired, tilting her head. The Doctor shrugged.

"Being held captive? Yes, though I suppose it's unavoidable."

"Well, I do want to tell you my plans," Twilight said, trembling with a slightly crazed smile. "But I think you'd probably use that as a chance to escape."

"Why would I want to escape?" The Doctor asked innocently.

Twilight shot him a deadpan look. The chestnut colored prisoner shrugged apologetically.

"Okay, good point... But in my defense, you were coming on like a freight train. It's only natural you'd try to get out of the way."

"Oh, but I'm one train you don't want to escape," Twilight purred. She paused. "How did that sound? Did that sound appropriately seductive?"

"Well, it's a little hard to get aroused when I'm strung up like this," the Doctor said. "Blood flow issues, you know."

"Oh my, I'm so sorry," Twilight said. She manipulated the bonds with her telekinesis, and the Doctor subtly flexed his limbs. "How's this?"

The Doctor smiled. "Much better, thank you." He looked over at the door, then at some books piled on a nearby table. "Hm? Is that a copy of _Starswirl's Movements of Planetary Bodies?"_

Twilight looked, a smile of delight on her face. "Oh yes! Have you read it?" She summoned it with her horn and turned back around. "I find it very-"

The Doctor was gone, as was his sonic screwdriver. Twilight looked over at the door, which the Doctor was furiously trying to sonic. He looked up and met her eyes. He looked around at the home, and dramatically facehoofed.

"Who would expect to find a wooden door in a house made out of a tree?" He said self-deprecatingly. "I-OOF!"

Twilight had once again pounced on him, and the Doctor gulped as his sonic screwdriver flew off thanks to telekinesis. Twilight grinned over him.

"You have a tendency to fall right into traps, Doctor," she murmured, and began nibbling at his neck. The Doctor sighed.

"Yes... But there is one thing you should know about me, Twilight Sparkle. There's one thing you never, _ever_ do if you value your continued _existence_."

"Oh? What is that?" Twilight asked. "ACK!" She fell back as her limbs were snapped into a rope noose. A rope the Doctor had yanked on with his lower hooves. He grinned as he hopped up and stood over her.

"_Never_ put me in a trap," he said. Twilight moaned and shuddered.

"Ohhh... You're making it so hard for me to stay rational," she said, licking her lips. "So intelligent, my dear Doctor... But..."

A book slammed into the back of his head, sending him face down.

"You don't put me in a trap either," she said with a smirk.

"Starswirl. Well played," the Doctor said, muffled by the floor. He got up just in time for Twilight to yank him up to her with her telekinesis. "Bugger...!"

"Resistance is futile," Twilight purred. "And-"

The door slammed open.

"Twilight, ah have a little..."

Applejack stared. Twilight and the Doctor stared back. Caramel on Applejack's back was unconscious.

"... Ah'll come back later," the apple farmer said, closing the door matter-of-factly. The Doctor looked at Twilight.

"... The door was unlocked?" He asked, gaining a broad smile. "_Brilliant_! I kept trying to unlock an unlocked door!"

"Well I did do a lot of experimentation with your sonic screwdriver while you were out," Twilight said modestly, her cheeks stained with a blush.

"I must say, you're definitely one over most of my other captors right now," the Doctor complimented her.

"So... Does that mean you'll stop resisting?" Twilight asked.

The Doctor kicked his sonic screwdriver up into his teeth. "Nope," he replied succinctly.

"Didn't think so," Twilight said with a grin.

* * *

Spike had been running as fast as he could on his tiny little legs, but when he finally got back to the library he found an obstacle in his path-Namely Applejack, with an unconscious Caramel on her back.

"Hey! What's the big idea, Applejack? I need to get in there, I need to save the Doctor... And Twilight!" Spike said stubbornly, as Applejack held him in place with a single hoof on his chest.

Applejack snorted. "Unless yer gonna be more stubborn than me, you ain't gettin' in there."

"I can be just as stubborn as you!" Spike said defensively.

Even while knocked unconscious, Caramel managed an instinctive incredulous snort at this.

"Even if that were true, which it ain't, ah'm not letting you in until you tell me just what in tarnation is goin' on!" Applejack growled.

"Uh, well... Twilight went into heat today, and according to the book all of the holders of the Elements of Harmony would go into heat too. Only it would be magnified in intensity because magic is life force and life energy in it's base, most primal state wants to reproduce," Spike quickly explained.

"Ah... That would explain why it feels like ah've got a marching band chanting 'Make Babies!' in mah head," Applejack put dryly. "Wait... ALL of the holders?"

"Well, yeah," Spike said. "I mean, seeing how Twilight got... And Rarity... You can understand why I'd-ULP!" Spike was nabbed by Applejack's teeth and thrown up onto her back. She then began galloping as hard as she could for the town center.

"Spike, listen very carefully!" Applejack said. "Ah want to know everypony's status! Twilight's in her house with the Doctor, what about the others?"

"Well, Rarity's with Big Mac," Spike said, unable to contain his grumble. As much as he respected and liked the big guy, he couldn't fully remove his envy. He was only mortal... More or less. "And you saw Twilight."

"Figures she'd latch onto him," Applejack grunted, a bit annoyed but pragmatic enough to stay on task. "Ah saw Pinkie Pie chasin' Braeburn, he should be able to keep up..."

"How are you doing?" Spike asked.

"Ah'll manage. The two ponies ah'm most concerned about are Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash," Applejack said as they reached the clinic. Several ponies were milling about, talking, eating, waiting on friends or loved ones under the good Nurse's care.

"Huh? Okay, Rainbow Dash I can understand, but Fluttershy?" Spike asked incredulously. "How bad could _Fluttershy_ in heat be?"

All conversation ceased. Spike blinked. Applejack facehoofed.

"Fluttershy... In heat...?" A magenta pony asked, dread in her voice. "RUN FOR THE HILLS! EVERYPONY FOR HERSELF!"

"SAVE THE STALLIONS! GET THEM HIDDEN!" Another cried. They took off in a stampede in all directions, leaving Spike to stare after them. Very slowly, Spike looked over at Applejack.

"... They didn't even act like that for Nightmare Moon!" Spike gasped.

"Yep," Applejack said with a slow nod.

"... We're completely doomed, aren't we?" Spike asked.

"Depends on how well Twilight can hold things together," Applejack said. "Ah always thought she needed some, ya know, loosenin' up but this is ridiculous!"

"Maybe we should contact Princess Celestia," Spike said. "You know, to come in and fix everything for us?"

"We can't just call the Princess in for every little crisis!" Applejack said flatly. Nurse Redheart came outside at last, probably due to the commotion, and Applejack hefted Caramel onto her back. "Hup! There. Please take care of him, Nurse Redheart, he had a bad fall."

"I will, but what was all that shouting about?" The Nurse asked.

"Fluttershy's in heat... And so is Rainbow Dash," Applejack managed. The Nurse gasped.

"Oh-Oh-Oh my! I'll get everything ready! So glad I have those extra IVs from the Hard Cider festival!" The nurse galloped in, and Applejack turned to Spike. She rested a hoof on his shoulder.

"Now Spike... This might be dangerous, but ah'm gonna have to ask fer yer full cooperation," Applejack said. "Can ah rely on you?"

"Of-Of course you can!" Spike said.

"Good," Applejack said with a smile, patting him on the shoulder. "And just so you know, if ah do lose mah control and try to ride you into the sunset, it's because ah actually do find you attractive for a dragon." She leaned in close. "You... Do have the... Plumbing and accessories, right?"

"Uhhh... I... Think so...?" Spike managed.

"Well! Let's hope we don't have to find out for sure, right?" Applejack laughed, patting Spike a little too hard on the back... And a little too low...

"Right! Twilight! Let's make her fix this, right now!" Spike said in a much higher pitch of voice than normal.

* * *

**THIS is when I go to Pony Hell. For sure. **

**And sad to say but I don't think I can keep this updating pace up. I'll have to throttle down in order to not burn myself out-Hope you guys don't mind.  
**


	4. Chapter 4

**Beating the Heat**

**or**

**Friendship is Kinky**

_**A My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction**_

**By Andrew J. Talon (With help from The Sage of Toads)  
**

**DISCLAIMER:****This is a non-profit fan-made work of prose. My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic is the property of Hasbro. Please support the official release.**

**Author's Note: I... REGRET... NOTHING!**

* * *

There was a thunderclap at the front door, echoing through the cloud castle.

"Hey! Rainbow Dash! Hey! You in there?" Called Hoops. "We've got something to solve your problem!"

Dash's head emerged out of a pile of snow. She shivered, and cleared her throat after flapping her wings to get her blood moving again.

"My... My problem?"

"Yeah!"

Dash got up and slowly trotted towards the door. She pressed her ear to the door with a frown.

"I don't really think you're qualified to help me," Dash said flatly.

"That's why we got some ponies who are!" Hoops shouted.

"Hey Dash! It's me, Soarin'! Remember me?" Called a familiar voice.

"And Spitfire! Come on out, everything's going to be fine!" Cried another familiar voice.

Dash very slowly moved the thundercloud door to the side and peeked out. There they were-The two Wonderbolts she'd met at the Gala.

"Oh! Oh my gosh, oh my gosh, oh my gosh, I-I am so glad... You..." She saw the three grinning jocks behind them, and offered them a little smile. "This... This is a really great thing you guys have done!"

"Thanks! Can we come in now?" Hoops asked. Soarin' pushed forward into Dash's home with a bright smile at her. Dash smiled back, nervously, and made sure to stay a far distance from the five ponies who entered.

"Well of course we can! And I hope you have some food, Rainbow Dash, I'm starved. High altitude training is hungry business," Soarin' said.

"Everything's hungry business with him," Spitfire intimated with a smile and wink. Soarin' pouted.

"Food! Right! Sure! Be right back!" Dash said, zipping off for her kitchen as fast as she could. The two Wonderbolts looked at eachother.

"See? She's cracking up," Dumb Bell said. "We don't know why!"

"Just leave it to us," Spitfire consoled. "We'll cheer her up."

"Yeah. I bet between the five of us, her little problem will be taken care of in no time!" Soarin' said with a grin.

Score sniffed the air. "Anypony else smell that?"

"Hmmm... Smells like shame, fear, and arousal," Spitfire commented thoughtfully.

"Hey! I washed up after talking to you!" Hoops said. At everypony's stares, he blushed. "Well... I did..."

* * *

"Okay Dash, you can do this," Dash said as she rummaged around her disorganized kitchen. "Just make them some food, talk for a while, convince them you're fine, and they'll leave! It's the Wonderbolts, you've already proved yourself, no need to freak out, heheheheh..." She looked at herself in a polished ice mirror and glared intently at her reflection.

"You will not lose it. Keep it together, keep it together..."

"Mmm...! Hey, you have any mayonnaise?" Soarin' asked.

"It's behind the pickles," Dash said in an absentminded way. She started and looked over at Soarin', who was rummaging through the cloud-fridge. "HEY!"

"Mm? Oh, sorry," Soarin' said, pulling his head out the fridge. "I'm just so hungry, and hey, watch this!" He pulled out the jar of pickles and, using only his wings, set them juggling in a perfect arc. He grinned at Dash's stare. "How's this? I trained in wing juggling for my work with the Wonderbolts-Helps with muscle control!"

"M-Muscle control?" Dash asked, her cheeks become red, and her wings rose, standing tall and stiff.

"Oh yeah, and endurance. Gotta have a _lot_ of endurance for this job," Soarin' said.

"Endurance... Yes... Endurance good," Dash said, a bit of drool beginning to drip down her lips. Soarin' leaned back, opened his mouth, and sent the pickles flying down into his mouth. Messily he crunched and munched them, before swallowing them down. He licked his lips with a satisfied groaned.

"Oh yeah... That hit the spot!" He said. "Got anything else?"

"I... I could give you... A pie," Dash managed, rubbing her hooves together nervously. "A very nice, delicious... _Rainbow_ pie..."

"Rainbow Pie? Sounds exotic!" Soarin' said with a grin. "Where is it?"

"Well, it's-"

"Hey Dash!"

Dash froze as Spitfire came into the kitchen. Shaking, she looked over at the orange and yellow pegasus with a nervous smile.

"H-Hey Spitfire..."

"You know, you don't look so good," Spitfire said. "And you're shaking something awful..." She pressed a hoof to Dash's forehead. "Geez, you're burning up, too!"

"Yeah... I'm just... S-So hot," Dash moaned, pressing her forehead into Spitfire's hoof. Soarin' frowned and checked Dash's pulse by pressing his nose into her neck.

"Her pulse is racing too... And there's that smell..." Soarin' frowned. "Geez, why is it so hard to pin down?"

"Because she's been doing everything possible to suppress it, right Rainbow Dash?" Spitfire asked gently. Dash groaned and nodded.

"Uh huh... Ahhh..."

"What do you mean?" Soarin' asked.

"She's in heat, duh," Spitfire huffed. "No wonder she's been so reticent!"

"Oh... I thought I was just, ya know..." Soarin' flushed. "This _excited_ because of our training."

"So excited," Dash moaned.

"Now Dash, you just relax, okay?" Spitfire said calmly. "We're going to help you through this."

"H-How?" Dash asked with another moan.

"Well, first off we're going to-"

"Hey, Rainbow Dash! Are you okay?" Hoops asked.

"Sorry to interrupt but we were worried about-" Dumb Bell tried, but Dash got one whiff of their scents, and her eyes widened.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

_CRACKABOOM!_ The cloud castle exploded in a blast of rainbow power, and Dash went streaking through the sky as fast as she could go, leaving sonic booms in her wake. Out of the floating debris, five heads poked their way out of the clouds.

"... Something I said?" Dumb Bell asked.

"_I'll_ take care of her," Spitfire said firmly. "Guys, it was really great of you to try to help her out, but this is something only mares can handle." She flapped her wings and headed off. Soarin' scowled after her.

"What am I, chopped lettuce?" The Wonderbolt grumbled. He looked over to the other three pegasuses. "Mares huh?"

"Yeah. Can't live with 'em... Can't live without 'em," Score intoned sagely.

Soarin' groaned. "And I'm _still_ hungry... You know somewhere I could get a bite to eat?"

"The Sweet Apple Acres farm always has the best pies and things around," Hoops suggested. Soarin' beamed.

"Great! I could go for an Apple Pie! Meet up here in a few hours, I'll see if I can get you season tickets to our shows!" He leaped off the cloud and dove down for the ground, leaving the three pegasus stallions to look at each other.

"This has been a very weird day," Dumb Bell commented.

"Must be something in the air," Score said.

* * *

"Well bugger, I suppose I had to run out of room eventually," the Doctor said, as he laid defeated in front of the advancing Twilight.

"And tricks. And plans. And options," Twilight purred. She straddled him and nuzzled his nose affectionately. "And limbs not pinned down with magic."

"Those too, those too," the Doctor said with a sigh. "Still! If there's one thing I've learned in my adventures, it's that you cannot rely on yourself at all times. You must rely on others."

"Hmmm," Twilight hummed thoughtfully. "Well I have read that many mares my age experiment with other mares in these areas... And I do so love to experiment..." She beamed at him. "And maintaining an active and healthy sex life is a prerequisite for any long term relationship to be successful!"

The Doctor was appropriately speechless. "You're... Quite well read in those areas..."

Okay, not so speechless.

"Unless I was just stating that to keep you from trying another daring escape," Twilight said with a little smirk.

"Except by admitting that, now I have far greater motivation to escape than before. You, my dear, are becoming quite the tease," the Doctor said with a pointed look.

Twilight balked. "A-A tease?"

"Yes, a tease. To tease a stallion like myself with such things is making me less and less inclined to, what did you say for me to do?" The Doctor frowned.

"Mount me and ride me into a gooey-"

"Yes, that," the Doctor said with a nod. "And as appealing as it is, what is not appealing is you dangling the prospect of multiple mare participants in our relationship and yanking it away."

"What if I just duplicated myself? I can do that, you know," Twilight said quickly.

"... And now I'm interested again," the Doctor said cheerfully. Twilight huffed, and looked away.

"Just because of the physical aspects of our relationship!"

"Well that's all we really have in our relationship, save for the constant game of wits and attempts to escape and entrap the other. Aside from the fact you are far more attractive than most of my opponents, at the moment we are hero and villainess, nothing more," the Doctor explained.

"What about the 'wanting to make super smart babies of doom' part?" Twilight asked.

"Heard it before," the Doctor said. "Though in not quite so attractive a package, mind."

The door slammed open. Twilight growled, and her eyes began to twitch.

"TWILIGHT! I GOT A LETTER FROM PRINCESS CELESTIA FOR YOU!" Spike called. The purple unicorn jumped.

"Uh oh! Oh no... Um... CAN IT WAIT? I'M KIND OF BUSY!" Twilight called.

"IT LOOKS PRETTY URGENT!" Spike called back.

Twilight was silent and deeply focused for a few moments... Before she raised her eyebrows.

"IS THE WORLD ENDING?" Twilight called. "TOTAL APOCALYPSE? DOOM OF EQUESTRIA?"

"UHHH... YEAH! YEAH, IT TOTALLY IS!" Spike called back. Twilight gave the Doctor a very wry look. The chestnut stallion chuckled nervously.

"Ah... Well... You know, if the world is destroyed we can't really get up to any frivolities..."

"SPIKE! TELL THE PRINCESS THAT UNLESS SHE COMES HERSELF, I'M UNAVAILABLE!" Twilight called back.

Dead silence. "Uh... C-COULD YOU REPEAT THAT?"

"TELL THE PRINCESS I'M _NOT AVAILABLE_, BUT I'LL GET BACK TO HER AT MY EARLIEST CONVENIENCE!" Twilight called. The Doctor's jaw had never gone lower in his memory.

"TWILIGHT, IF YOU DON'T GET DOWN HERE, WE'LL HAVE A FLUTTERSHY IN HEAT UNLEASHED ON THE TOWN!" Applejack cried.

"THAT'S A WORLD ENDING EVENT?" Twilight shouted back, incredulous.

"IT JUST MIGHT BE!" Shouted Spike, who was now in the bedroom. Twilight eeped and fell off the bed. The Doctor looked up and blinked at him.

"Not that I'm complaining... Much... But why did you shout right in the room?"

"Got a bit carried away," Spike admitted. Applejack rushed up to the bed and yanked at the Doctor's restraints with her teeth... Nothing happened. Twilight got back up with a deadly growl.

"Applejack... If you'd asked I might have shared with you, but NOPONY TAKES MY LOVE DOCTOR WITHOUT MY PERMISSION!" And Applejack was slammed into the wall with a burst of telekinetic force.

"OOF!" Applejack groaned as she slid down onto the floor. She shook her head clear of dizziness, and glared at Twilight.

"Now Twilight, let's be reasonable about this-"

"I WANT HIS TIME PONY BABIES!" Twilight cried as she leaped over the bed and tackled Applejack. Spike paused to stare... Then shook his head clear and glared at the Doctor, who had not stopped staring.

"What?" He replied at Spike's look. "If it was Rarity in there you'd be staring too."

"Don't remind me," Spike grumbled as he tried to undo his restraints.

* * *

Rainbow Dash had found the tallest mountain around, and settled right atop of it. As she was wont to do when she was... Well, let's be frank, scared out of her mind, she curled up in a fetal position and trembled.

_Oh Celestia, I nearly... With them...!_ She shuddered. _Oh Celestia..._

If she hadn't escaped right then and there... Oh no! What must the Wonderbolts think of me? She may have blown her chances entirely! Just coming on like... Like...

_A mare in heat?_ A snide part of her mind asked. Rainbow Dash trembled and tried to close in more tightly.

"Rainbow Dash... Rainbow Dash!"

"Oh no," Dash moaned, covering her head with her wings. Please don't see me please don't see me please don't see me please don't-

"Well gee, I guess I can't see you when you have your wings over your head," called Spitfire with a giggle. "Your bright blue wings..."

"Ohhh!" Dash moaned again, lifting her wings just in time to see the orange pegasus land nearby. "I... I'm really... Please don't look at me..." She covered her eyes. "Go away!"

"Dash, Dash, it's all right!" Spitfire said in a calm voice. "It's all right. You don't have to run and hide. It's perfectly normal-Everypony goes through it."

"Not like this," Dash groaned. Spitfire huffed.

"Nonsense! You're just overreacting." She stroked Dash's back. "It's all right... Just take deep breaths, listen to the sound of my voice..."

Her sweet, dulcet voice and the comforting touch between her wings helped Dash calm down considerably. She lowered her hooves from her eyes and looked over at Spitfire, who smiled warmly.

"That's it... That's it," Spitfire said. "Now... Come on, tell me what's got you so scared."

"I... I..." Dash trembled. "I guess I'm... Scared of..."

_In Rainbow Dash's Imagination..._

_"Honey, I'm home!" A fat, slovenly pony entered a typical cloud home. "Are you done with dinner yet?"_

_"Hey hey! We're hungry!" Cried several foals, all around an exhausted, worn down Rainbow Dash._

_"It'll be done soon, honey," she got out with a sigh, and stared out a window longingly._

_"You aren't ruing the direction your life took because you got pregnant before you could join the Wonderbolts, therefore secretly hating us and yourself and thus drowning in your own self loathing, are you honey?" Her husband asked._

_"Of course I'm not!" Dash said. She pulled out a barrel of Sweet Apple Acres' best hard cider and opened it up. "I'm drowning myself in alcohol!"_

_"Just checking!" Her husband called back, as Dash jumped into the barrel headfirst._

Spitfire blinked. She blinked again. Rainbow Dash covered her eyes with her hooves.

_This is it... This is the part where I say good bye to my shot at the Wonderbolts,_ Rainbow mentally groaned.

"... Does Sweet Apple Acres have barrels of hard cider for sale?" Spitfire finally asked.

"Huh?" Dash asked, lowering her hooves to blink at Spitfire. The orange pegasus smiled gently at her, tilting her head.

"Do they? Because that sounds like something I'd like to get in on. Sounds kind of fun," she waggled her eyebrows.

Rainbow Dash shook her head in disbelief. "You... You're making fun of me?"

"Not at all," Spitfire said, still smiling. "I just found that fantasy of yours... A bit cute." She kissed the top of Dash's head, which made the blue pegasus blush.

"C-Cute?"

"Come on Dash," Spitfire said, bumping the blue pegasus's head with her own. "Heat isn't that big a problem. In fact," she licked her lips and nuzzled the top of Dash's head. "I have a solution. It's a solution I can't offer to you here though, it's much too..." She pawed the top of the mountain. "Rough and cold."

Dash's mind went to all sorts of interesting places at this, and she trembled as she blushed bright red.

"What? Why?" Dash asked.

"Because I want to help you with this problem of yours," Spitfire said. "Come on..."

"I... I don't think anypony can help me," Dash admitted with a shiver. Spitfire sighed, rolled her head on her shoulders, and shook out her wings.

"Oh well... If you really want to sit on the top of this mountain for the rest of your life, that's your choice..." She looked down the mountain at Canterlot, gleaming in the sun despite the distance. "I guess I'll just have to fly down to Canterlot, racing myself."

Dash's ears twitched at the mention of "race". "Huh?"

"Oh yes," Spitfire said with a shrug. "I mean, I was thinking I could see what you've got, race you, see if you could beat me. But, seeing how you're going to hide on top of this mountain forever, I guess I'll just have to assume I would..." And here Spitfire smirked. "Beat you by a mile."

Dash's eyes narrowed. "What did you say? Nopony is faster than me!"

"I'm standing right here and already I'm faster than you," Spitfire snorted. "I don't count trembling."

Her dander rose with her body as Rainbow Dash got up onto her hooves.

"Why, I-I could beat you with my wings tied behind my back! I could beat you with my eyes closed!" Dash growled. "There's _nopony_ faster than me in _all of Equestria_!"

"I'm just not seeing it," Spitfire said, looking up at the sky innocently. "Of course, you're welcome to prove it... Unless you couldn't beat me even in heat." She lowered her eyes to Rainbow Dash's with a smirk. "Hard to buy your other claims when that's what's keeping you on this mountain."

"Even in heat I can beat your bright orange flanks any time of the week!" Dash snarled.

"Well then, prove it!" Spitfire said. "Beat me to the Astronomy Tower in Canterlot Palace and then we'll talk."

"You're on!" Dash said. She lined up next to Spitfire, and got in a ready position. "On your mark..."

"Get set," Spitfire said... Before jumping off. "Go!"

"HEY! That's cheating!" Dash shouted, jumping off after her. Spitfire smiled to herself as she extended her legs and pulled back her wings for her dive. In her peripheral vision she could see Rainbow Dash copying her as they dropped down the mountain.

_There we go, there's that fire again,_ Spitfire thought happily. _Only question is... How will we put that passion to work for you to resolve your little problem?_

Spitfire smiled brightly._ Of course!_

* * *

The race to the Astronomy Tower was a dead heat, but the two arrived at very nearly the same time. Atop the tower roof they panted, catching their breath. All the same, Dash couldn't help some gloating.

"HA! I did it! I made it, and you were wrong!" Dash gasped, grinning widely at the orange pegasus. Spitfire chuckled throatily.

"You sure showed me," Spitfire said. She smiled and trotted over to Dash. She nuzzled her nose affectionately. "I'm very glad."

Dash turned bright red.

"And now that we're here," Spitfire continued, "I have the _perfect_ solution to your problem."

"Uh... Huh?" Dash asked, unable to help a gulp as Spitfire didn't move away. "What... What kind of solution?"

"Oh, he'll be arriving very, very soon," Spitfire purred. Dash blinked

"Huh? He? He who?"

"Spitfire!" Called a masculine voice. Dash and Spitfire turned to see a charcoal gray pegasus in Royal Guard armor fly up and land on the roof nearby. His green eyes focused on Spitfire, then flicked to Dash. "Is everything all right?"

"Everything's going to be fine," Spitfire said. She moved over to the Guard and kissed him on the lips, before standing next to the stallion. Dash blinked rapidly.

"Uh... What?"

"Stormcrow, this is Rainbow Dash, a friend of mine who has a problem," Spitfire said. "Rainbow Dash? This is Stormcrow-My husband."

"... H-Husband? You're _married_?" Dash gasped.

"Yes," Spitfire said. "And I wanted you to meet him so we could discuss your obvious issues with intimacy." The orange pegasus raised her eyebrows. "What did you think my solution to your problem was?"

"Well..."

_In Rainbow Dash's imagination..._

_"Oh Spitfire, I love you so much," Dash moaned. "But this heat... It's unbearable...!"_

_"Don't you worry, Dash," Spitfire purred, running her hooves and wings over Dash's painfully hot body. "Spitfire will make everything better. Just one thing?"_

_"Y-Yes...?'_

_"Call me Mistress Spitfire," Spitfire hissed, blowing into Rainbow Dash's ear. The blue pegasus trembled._

_"Oh! Oh yes, Mistress, YES!"_

"..." The two other pegasuses stared with wide eyes.

"... I said that out loud, didn't I?" Rainbow Dash mumbled, covering her burning face with her hooves.

"Well, I'm not complaining," Stormcrow said with a little wink. His wife kicked his knee lightly, and the two chuckled.

"Oh you," Spitfire said. She shrugged. "Still... I suppose if Dash really needs that kind of help, I could oblige~." She raised her eyebrows at her husband. "When is your birthday again?"

"Any day you get an idea like that," Stormcrow said with a grin.

"Uht... Uht... Uht...?" Rainbow Dash grunted, unable to form coherent words. Her fatigue, heat, and various conflicting thoughts all collided inside her brain, allowing her to come up with the best possible solution to her present situation.

Unfortunately it seemed that solution was "borrow from Fluttershy", because Dash fell over in a dead faint.

* * *

With a name like Lucky and three Four-Leaf Clovers for a cutie mark, it was little wonder what made him stand out among other ponies. Lucky was a lucky stallion, luckier than most ponies, stallion or mare. However, what most ponies didn't know about Lucky was that luck went both ways for him. One day he could be very, very fortunate, with everything going his way.

Others could drive a pony to drink.

Lucky wasn't sure which it was going to be today, as he trotted through the main square of Ponyville amidst a riot of fleeing mares rushing to get their significant others into any cover they could find, be it behind closed doors, into barrels, or through windows.

"Huh…but it's not the week before the Summer Sun Celebration." The bluish gray pony said to himself–referring to the one time of the year all stallions had learned to hide except for those who vastly underestimated their libido and stamina.

"Hey…excuse me…can anyone tell me…hey!" He tried and failed to get someone to explain what was going on, and before he knew it, the streets were clear of everypony except for him.

He looked around, and noticed while the doors were locked, and windows were covered, he was being watched by those in hiding. Suddenly, it felt like his luck was going to swing towards bad today.

"Hello." A gentle, husky voice called from behind Lucky, startling him. Turning around, he jumped back when he saw Fluttershy hovering just above the ground, staring intently at him.

"Oh, hello Fluttershy." Lucky looked around. "Do you have any idea what's going on? Everypony's acting like it's the end of the world."

Or that she was in heat, he added to himself. But that was impossible; it wasn't the week before the Summer Sun Celebration.

Fluttershy nodded, as though she wasn't really paying him any attention as she began to circle around him. "That's nice, I guess."

Lucky turned his head to follow her. "That's nice? Fluttershy, did you hear what I said? The whole town's acting like it's the end of the world. Isn't that a little strange?"

"I don't really care." Fluttershy replied, she rounded Lucky's flank and came up alongside him.

Well, that was even stranger, Lucky noted to himself. Of all ponies, Fluttershy would be the one pony most worried about an end of the world scenario. "Fluttershy, are you all right? You seem not yourself."

Fluttershy smiled at him, performed a flick of her hair, and walked forward, in front of him. It was as she walked away, that Lucky finally inhaled and smelled it.

Lucky froze where he stood, and stared blankly at Fluttershy, who looked back at him. "Lucky, I would be grateful if you mounted me." She politely requested.

His eyes slightly glazed over, and his gaze locked onto her flanks, Lucky nodded numbly. "Of course, right away."

There was no hesitation afterward, and those who witnessed it wept for the unluckiest Stallion in Ponyville.

* * *

"Oooohhhhaaawaaaahhhhh!" Twilight cried out loudly, practically making the walls shake with her cry. Spike contemplated, just for a moment, cutting off his ears just so he would never, ever have to hear Twilight in ecstasy again.

Then he remembered he was a dragon and thus his ears were entirely inside his head. He cursed his luck, even as the Doctor tucked his sonic screwdriver back into his pocket, and adjusted his tie and collar.

"Where exactly did you find those?" Spike asked as Twilight panted for breath before them in the library. The Doctor shrugged.

"Well, I always try to look my best when facing the possibility of doomsday," he said.

"... That didn't answer my question-"

"Doc, mind lettin' me borrow that thing... For uh... Study purposes, ah bet there are all sorts o' things ah could use it for around the farm," Applejack said, her eyes glazing over. Spike snapped his fingers in front of her face, and the farmer blinked and shook her head.

"Ah... Sorry," she said with a deep blush.

"It's all right," the Doctor said. "Now Twilight, do you think you can focus?"

"Ahhh... S-Sure," Twilight sighed. "I think the appropriate book is... Hmmm... I really like you with the tie and collar Doctor-"

"Twilight, _focus_," the Doctor said firmly. "What book is it?"

"Ah... _Elements of Life Magic Harmony Dynamics_," Twilight said. "Just look under 'E'."

Spike scanned the bookshelves, yanked out the appropriate tome, and set it down in front of Twilight. The purple unicorn read through the book quickly, her eyes zipping back and forth through the text.

"Well? Is there a way to... To relieve this?" Applejack asked.

"I really don't see the problem with it," Twilight said flatly. "I mean, so what if Fluttershy's in heat? It's not that big an... Issue... Uh oh."

"Uh oh?" The Doctor asked. "What's 'uh oh'?"

"... Um, it's nothing! Nothing at all!" Twilight said quickly. The Doctor held up his screwdriver. Twilight licked her lips. "That's not going to encourage me, Doctor."

"It will... If I threaten to _stop_ using it," the Doctor stated. The two geniuses locked gazes, staring intently, will against will. Spike felt Applejack's hoof on his rump.

"TWILIGHT! PLEASE TELL US!" Spike shouted. Twilight blinked, then sighed.

"All right... The thing is, the Elements of Harmony will keep pumping this excess life energy into us for... Well... Pretty much the rest of our lives." Twilight would have rubbed her chin thoughtfully, but she was tied up. "The real threat is in it's influence... Well... Spreading."

"Spreading?" Applejack asked in dread. "How much 'spreadin' are we talkin' here?"

"Well... Any pony who has been in contact with the energies of the Elements of Harmony might start experiencing the same symptoms," Twilight said carefully. "We're the Holders, so we're the ones with the most exposure. But given the raw amounts of power they're channeling to us even when they're not active, that energy has to go somewhere, so..."

"You might say the other ponies will turn into... 'heat sinks'," the Doctor said, adjusting a pair of glasses he'd pulled on. They were gone just as quickly as they had appeared and Spike was once again left wondering where the Doctor kept all this stuff on his person.

"Yeah," Twilight said. "So we need a way to... To _vent_ this excess energy somehow, before the pony with the next-to-greatest exposure to the elements begins feeling the effects."

Applejack, Spike and the Doctor all froze in horror.

"... Fluttershy's bad enough, but a _Princess_?" Applejack cried. "We gotta do something!"

"All right, all right, all right! Calm down, everypony," the Doctor said. He looked to Twilight. "What ways could we vent this excess?"

"There's the most obvious way," Twilight purred.

"Okay, let's call that Plan B. Do we have a Plan A?" The Doctor asked.

"We'd need to gather the Holders of the Elements, get the elements themselves from Canterlot, and vent the excess energies by using them," Twilight said, a bit reluctantly. The Doctor nodded, and turned to Applejack.

"Applejack! I suggest you run to the farm and grab some supplies. Spike? You send off a message to Princess Celestia informing her the Holders of the Elements need to see her at once and it's an emergency. I'll round up the other Elemental Holders. Twilight?"

"Yes?" Twilight asked eagerly.

"Yours is the most important job of all," the Doctor said. "You must stay here, and stay tied up."

"... Only if you promise that if I'm still in heat after Plan A, you'll help me relieve it," Twilight said. The Doctor smiled brightly and nodded.

"Agreed! All right Ponies and Dragon, Allons~y!"

The Doctor was so enthusiastic that he missed the rather evil smile on Twilight's face. But then, so did everypony else.

* * *

Zecora had ventured out of her hut at around eleven o'clock. Her intent was to gather some herbs and spices for her lunch stew, all for the making of a far more potent brew. She did enjoy variations in tastes and the local flora and fauna could make for a number of interesting differences from her native homeland's foodstuffs.

She had just settled on some green and purple mushrooms to add a dash of bitterness to her lunch, when she heard something cry out in the distance.

"Hm? That sound I hear speaks distress; the victim I shall address!" The zebra enchantress cried. Taking her staff in her mouth, she galloped as quickly as she could in the direction of the cry. Over a brook, through some trees, more sounds became known to her ears and she felt dread at one in particular: The low grumbling growl of a land crocodile, or 'swamp dragon' as some termed them.

Zecora preferred the latter name... Largely because dragons were cool, but to admit that would be to lose her mystique and she had to admit she rather liked it.

"Hold on, hold on, unknown being! Your salvation you will be seeing!" She shouted, as she tossed her staff to her head and balanced it on her nose as she continued to gallop. She broke through some bushes and slid to a halt, ready to let loose with some potion-generated gas or a hypnotizing stare.

"Oh thank goodness you're here!" The swamp dragon groaned to her, his limbs twisted in unnatural directions. "They beat me up and then they... They..."

"Oh! Ohhh... H-Hey Zecoraaahh!" Pinkie Pie gasped. The stallion she was with, a blonde ruddy specimen with an apple on his rump, waved a hoof.

"Howdy Miss Zecora!" The stallion greeted. "Haa... Haa... We're a bit busy, as you can see..."

Zecora blinked several times at the scene, before she sighed deeply.

"Behold these ponies, without any class! A fillie like that likes it in the-"

"Heeeeeyyyyy!"

"... grass," Zecora amended, at Pinkie's cry. "I gather you are all right, Pinkie Pie? No crisis but to make me close my eyes?"

"Oh-Ohhh yeahhh... I'm grrrreat," Pinkie said with a wide grin. "Funny, m-my heat just hit me today, more than I've ever-Ahh yesss-felt beforrre..."

"It is curious to behold, this day you've become so bold," Zecora frowned. "The air suggests in general, that this is not quite natural."

"Of course it's naturalll... Ahhh..." Pinkie giggled as her partner became a bit more enthusiastic. "You want to feel how natural it is~?"

Zecora blushed deeply, and looked over at the swamp dragon. "Your generous offer I must decline, this creature's condition gives off bad signs."

"Okey-dokey-lokeeeeyyyyyy!" Pinkie cried. "AH YES! _HARDER!"_

Zecora got to work healing the wounds of the swamp dragon.

"I had no idea these ponies were so shameless," she murmured. "It is not natural for them to be heartless."

"Great. First I get beat up by a crazy pink pony, then she goes off to mate with an annoying stallion right in front of me, and now my life is in the hooves of an annoying rhyming witch," the swamp dragon grumbled.

"Leave you to your doom I could," Zecora said coldly.

"I take it back, I take it back!" The predator gasped.

"Then act as a good patient should," the zebra said cheerfully. She resolved to investigate the matter more thoroughly once she was done with the croc. While fond of riddles herself, Zecora preferred them solved.

In particular, why she felt herself growing hot despite her heat being a few months away...

* * *

**I had something clever to say here... But I forgot it. Oh well. Guess this means you'll have to actually comment on the story instead of my notes, huh?**

... **Crap.**


	5. Chapter 5

**Beating the Heat**

**or**

**Friendship is Kinky**

_**A My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction**_

**By Andrew J. Talon (With help from The Sage of Toads)  
**

**DISCLAIMER:****This is a non-profit fan-made work of prose. My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic is the property of Hasbro. Please support the official release.**

**Author's Note: I... REGRET... NOTHING!**

* * *

Rainbow Dash slowly returned to consciousness, feeling as though she was resting on a nice, warm cloud. She snuggled into it, and stretched out, moaning a bit at the nice feeling of soft silk flowing over her fur.

"Hello, Rainbow Dash."

"Hello Princess Celestia," Dash said, once again not looking in the direction of the voice until horrific realization hit her. "Bwah?"

She saw the Princess sitting on the bed with her, wearing a warm smile. Dash's jaw fell to the surface of the bed, and she looked around almost frantically. They were in a warmly colored, comfortably adorned room with an ornate fireplace and a wide balcony overlooking the valley Ponyville resided in.

"Uh... Um... Where am I?" Dash asked.

"My bedroom," Celestia said. Dash sighed in relief.

"Oh! Oh good... Good..." Dash blinked. "That is good, right?"

"Of course it is, my little pony," Celestia laughed, and Dash instantly felt her concerns vanish. She smiled back.

"Um... Where are Spitfire and Stormcrow?" Dash asked.

"I'm afraid they had to deal with a slight... Situation," Celestia said with a noticeable pause. Dash blinked, and studied the Princess. She looked almost as peaceful as ever, serene even, but...

"What kind of situation?" Dash asked.

"A situation that required them to seek some private time. It seems to be a condition that is... Spreading," Celestia said. "I believe you might be able to tell me more?"

Dash blushed brightly, and couldn't help wiggling her flanks. "Ah... I-I don't know exactly what you mean."

"Well then, perhaps I should refresh your memory," Celestia said with a little smile. She trotted to the window, and Rainbow Dash stared in confusion.

"Ah, Your Majesty? What is it?" Dash asked. Celestia went right out onto the balcony, and whistled. It was a long, clear note that filled the air like bird song, and a few moments later it received an answer.

An answer, Dash saw with dread, in the form of four Royal Guards. Four sweaty, smelly, panting Royal Guards.

"Rainbow Dash, allow me to introduce you to Captain Galland and Sergeants Zero, Thatch, and Mustang," Celestia said. All four Royal Guards saluted with their wings, and Rainbow Dash trembled as she got a whiff of them all.

"N-Nice to meet you," she managed in a wavering voice.

"Sergeant Mustang and Captain Galland are both veterans of air combat over Llamistan and Wolfenstein, and Thatch and Zero have served in our special forces over Aduuna, Brahmain and... Where else did you serve, Zero?" Celestia asked.

"In combat with a gigantic fire serpent during Discord's rampage, your majesty," the stallion reported dutifully. "That also turned into a set of moving explosions made of metal and lightning." He looked over at his companions. "In fairness, everypony participated in trying to stop that."

"Yeah," Mustang said. His other companions nodded.

"That sounds... So very... Metal," Dash said.

"About twenty percent more metal than most ponies could withstand, if you'll forgive me for saying so miss," Zero said with a slight smile. The blue pegasus trembled.

"Mmhm," Celestia nodded. "Didn't all of you have to break the sound barrier about... Four times just to try to keep it contained?" She gained a bit of a grin as she saw Rainbow Dash start to pant.

"F-Four Times?" Dash asked breathlessly.

"Five times ma'am,," Galland said. "It was a good thing our section was with the Wonderbolts for a season or two, otherwise we wouldn't have been able to synchronize our efforts." He looked over at Dash curiously, as his fellow Guards stared a bit more intensely.

"W-Wonderbolts? You were with the Wonderbolts?" Dash asked, now poised on all fours like a cat about to spring. Her tail was even waving.

"Yes ma'am?" Galland said uncertainly. He looked over at Celestia. "Ma'am, I'm not quite sure what this-"

"It will become clear very soon, Captain," Celestia soothed. "One final detail... You are all single, are you not?"

"Yes your Majesty," all four reported.

"Good!" Celestia said cheerfully. "Then I have a new assignment for you. Please serve this savior of our world twice over as she needs. Keep her here, keep her happy."

"Ah... How are we to do that, your Majesty?" Captain Galland asked.

"I think you'll get a pretty good idea soon enough," Celestia said. If you'll excuse me..."

Dash gasped.

"Pr-Princess! You can't just-I'm gonna-I can't _control_ myself!"

"Yes, this much is obvious," Celestia said. "But, given how Miss Spitfire is reacting, I think it only prudent to take certain... Precautions. At least until you're in a state I can reliably obtain knowledge from." She gave Rainbow Dash a little grin.

"Besides... For a pony of your caliber, only the best would suffice. Please, accept this service from ponies who all owe you their best... Including myself?"

"Well..." Dash said nervously, looking to the side. She looked back and yelped as she saw Celestia had moved right in front of her, giving her puppy dog eyes.

"Please, Rainbow Dash?" The Princess pleaded. She lowered her voice. "Besides, it's either have them service you or risk Luna getting her hooves on them."

Dash gaped. "Pr-Princess Luna is...?"

"Yes. So until that situation is... Handled, I require you to be... Handled. Understand?" Celestia asked.

"But-But I-"

"Please?" Celestia asked, putting her hooves together and allowing her lower lip to wobble. Rainbow Dash looked past her at the guards, who all looked at her in admiration (which she liked) and lust (which she found herself liking even more).

"... Oh... All... All right," Rainbow Dash said.

"Wonderful!" Celestia said, clapping her hooves together. She looked over at the guards. "Are you comfortable with your mission, Captain?"

"Comfort has nothing to do with it," Galland said, keeping his composure despite the influence of Dash's heat getting to him. "Our duty is enjoyable enough... Especially in this case, right gentlecolts?"

"Right sir!" They said.

"Huh? You... You're fine with... You want me to do with... All of them?" Dash gasped.

"Of course," Thatch said with a shrug. "After you've been what we've been through, you're totally comfortable with one another."

"Giant snakes made of explosions do that," Zero said dryly.

"Besides, it's not gay if it's a threeway," Mustang intoned sagely. "Or five way... as long as there's a mare in the middle." At his comrade's stares he shrugged. "What?"

"Well said, Mustang!" Celestia complimented. She looked over at Dash. "Any further worries?"

"... Ah... I can't really remember them right now," Dash said, licking her lips.

"Well until you can, please, enjoy yourselves," Celestia said. She got behind the Royal Guards, and flapped her wings. Once. The scent washed over Rainbow Dash's nostrils, and her traditional confidence merged with her lust into a kind of super-confident... Lust.

That was also a bomb, given how she launched herself off the bed.

_**"BANZAI!"**_ She cried, pouncing on the four stallions at once.

"Well... One down," Celestia murmured, turning away and flying off.

* * *

Applejack galloped to Sweet Apple Acres a lot harder than she normally would, but she needed an outlet for the excess heat between her legs that didn't involve what she really, really wanted.

"Huff... Huff... Huff..." She caught her breath, slowly, and trotted over to the barn. She began gathering supplies quickly, dumping it into her saddlebags.

"All right... Rope, definitely need rope," she muttered. "Chains? Definitely, definitely gonna need chains." She dumped those into the saddlebags too. She found a bottle of chloroform and frowned.

"APPLEBLOOM!" Applejack shouted. Her little sister soon appeared, looking sullen.

"Yeah Applejack?"

"What have ah told you about yer Cutie Mark Crusadin'?" Applejack asked sternly. Applebloom sighed, and looked to the side.

"'Ah ain't gonna become a Cutie Mark Crusader Mobster and/or Kidnapper,'" she said. Applejack nodded.

"That's right..." Applejack frowned, looked at the bottle... And dumped it into her saddlebags too. Applebloom scowled.

"Hey! That ain't fair! Why do you get to use it and ah don't?"

"Now listen very closely, Applebloom," Applejack said. "You ain't to leave the house until ah get back, understand? Don't open it for nopony, _especially_ Fluttershy."

"But-But it ain't the week before the Summer Sun Festival! Why do ah hafta stay inside?" Applebloom pouted.

"Things have changed. Now you stay in that house and you don't come out for nothin', promise?" Applejack said.

Applebloom pouted. Applejack growled and grabbed her chin in her hoof.

"Promise?"

"Ah promise," Applebloom said sullenly. She headed off back to the farmhouse, and Applejack sighed.

_Well, that stuff should come in handy..._ She smiled._ It'll keep Twilight from having her merry way with th' Doctor, at least... Though maybe ah could have a turn if she's gonna-_

Applejack galloped out of the barn as though she were on fire, charged for the nearest water pool, and jumped right in.

* * *

Soarin' had few problems with navigation around Ponyville, at least from high above. He and the other Wonderbolts could easily recognize the tall steeple of the city hall from training flights, and the Sweet Apple Acres barn stood out as a proud, obvious landmark.

Still, he didn't think it would be proper for him to just fly on into the bedroom of some poor farmer, so instead he decided to land at the front entrance as a proper guest.

Or at least he would have, if he hadn't spied an orange mare gallop out of the barn and jump into a pool of water.

"What the _hay_?" He gasped incredulously. He shifted his weight forward and dived, screaming right for the surface of the water. He then arrested his acceleration by spreading all six of his limbs (seven if you counted his tail) to brake and came to a hover right over the water. He dove his head in, took hold of the mane of the mare, and flapped his wings as hard as he could.

"Huff! Cough! Ahh... Hey! Wh-What's the big idea?" The mare coughed, sputtered and cursed at him as he set her down on dry land. Soarin' landed in front of her and scowled, while wondering why she looked so familiar.

"Hey! That's my line! You're the crazy mare who jumped into the water!"

"Crazy? I'll have you know that ah... Ah..." The mare looked shocked for a moment, and Soarin's memory made the connection.

"Hey! You're that... That... AH! You're Applejack! Hey, remember me?" Soarin' asked with a grin. "Soarin'? The Wonderbolt?"

"Ah... Ah..." The mare trembled. Soarin' frowned. Was she intimidated?

Oh! Wait! She just doesn't recognize me without the uniform! Soarin' thought to himself, quite reasonably.

"You know, you sold me that pie? That wonderful, delicious apple pie? It was fantastic by the way, worth every bit," Soarin' said with a smile.

"Ah... You... You should really go," Applejack said quickly, turning away with a bright blush. Soarin' blinked in confusion, and came up alongside her.

"Huh?"

"Really, you ought a leave right now," Applejack warned, stubbornly looking away from him.

"So, this is the thanks I get for saving your life?" Soarin' asked with a raised eyebrow. "Some country hospitality!"

"You didn't save mah life! Now git, ah'm tryin' to save yours!" Applejack growled. Soarin' huffed.

"Oh yeah? From what?"

"From me, you idiot! There's no time to explain, so git!" Applejack swung her rear around and chambered her legs to kick him. Soarin', however, was fast and so he hopped over her attack to hover above.

"What?" He shouted in disbelief.

"GO! RUN YOU _IDIOT!"_ Applejack shouted.

Soarin' responded by charging her, and knocking her onto her back with a perfectly executed body blow. He then got on top of her and held her legs apart with his.

"Wh-WHAT IN TARNATION AND ALL THE BOWELS OF PONY HELL ARE YOU DOIN'?" Applejack screamed at him.

"Urgh!" Soarin' growled, trying to keep her pinned. "I'm trying to stop you from hurting yourself! What exactly is the problem?"

"YOU'RE THE PROBLEM!" Applejack shouted at him. _"AH'M IN HEAT SOMETHIN' AWFUL AND YER THE IDEAL STALLION FOR ME TO RIDE! IS THAT CLEAR ENOUGH FER YOU?"_

Soarin' blinked. A bright blush was on Applejack's cheeks... And his gained the same coloring as he caught her scent. Her wonderful, enticing scent.

"Ah... That... That is a problem," Soarin' said in a low voice. Applejack's struggles lessened and she licked her lips.

"Goshdarnit... Ah was so careful all day, t' not get too close and here you go, playin' hero like a brainless idiot," Applejack breathed in a husky voice.

"I like playing hero," Soarin' said with an aroused growl as he nuzzled her neck. "I happen to be damn good at it in real life."

"Some hero, chargin' right into somethin' he don't understand," Applejack hissed back. "Ah..."

"You like it though, don't you?" Soarin' said with a feral grin. Applejack very slowly nodded.

"Uh... Uh huh..."

"Well... Why don't I just-MMPH!" Soarin's eyes bugged out as a cottonball went over his face. Applejack was shaken out of her heat induced trance by the smell of chloroform, and she rolled out from under Soarin' before he collapsed. Applejack looked over at her savior... The Doctor.

"Sorry, I saw him flying for your farm and I feared the worse," the Doctor said. "You all right?"

Applejack felt a very brief urge to buck the Doctor's head off his shoulders, but was able to suppress it.

"Yeah, ah'm fine," Applejack grumbled. "How's Spike doin'?"

"He's having trouble getting, er... The others away from their beaus," the Doctor said. He glanced at Soarin'. "Seems you had some trouble too," he said wryly.

"Yeah... Some," Applejack admitted. "Ah'll uh, be down there in a second. You better get outta here."

"Right," the Doctor said. The Time Pony galloped off, leaving Applejack with an unconscious Soarin'. She licked her lips.

* * *

"Applejack! Applejack!" Applebloom shouted from her window.

"Yeah Applebloom?" Applejack shouted in return as she trotted for the road as quickly as she could.

"Why do you have a blue pegasus strapped to yer back?" Applebloom shouted. Applejack shivered, and looked back at the snoozing Soarin'.

"Plan B!" Applejack called back. She then galloped off for Twilight's home, unable to help her grin. Applebloom watched her go, before turning around and sulking.

"Fine,_ don't_ tell me..."

* * *

Collapsing to the ground, a completely exhausted and delirious Lucky was in a relaxed daze as he panted for breath. Flapping her wings and stomping her hooves, Fluttershy stretched and giggled as she enjoyed the all-too-fleeting afterglow. Fleeting, and quickly being replaced by the irresistible urge to mate once again. Turning around, she looked down at Lucky.

"I would like to go again." She said to him.

Staring up at this pony made of sex, Lucky ignored his body's wails of "You already mounted her five times in rapid succession, stop!" and tried to get back up on his hooves. His legs shaking like he was a newborn foal, he rose up, let out a wheeze and fell back down.

"And…I'm _spent."_ He declared in a mock British accent.

Fluttershy could see this, and decided that she'd try her luck elsewhere. Opening her wings, she lifted off into the air without giving her broken toy any second thought and began circling overhead like a hawk searching for prey.

Luckily for Ponyville, she didn't find her next target below, for after only two orbits over the town, Fluttershy spotted a gray Pegasus stallion moving a small bank of clouds towards its edge.

"Of all days for Rainbow Dash to decide to act like a recluse, I'm not as fast as she is. There is way too much sky over Ponyville for one Pegasus." Vince, one of the many Pegasus who helped out during the Winter Wrap Up complained as he pushed the clouds together, hoping to make one big cloud to push away from Ponyville for disposal, rather than zip around and disperse them individually like Dash.

Still, he couldn't understand why Dash wanted to stay in today with such great flying weather. He kind of wished that he'd asked her little fan club–who asked him to take her place today–why she was locking herself up.

"The only time Rainbow Dash doesn't want to do any flying is if she's sick or in…" Vince trailed off when he caught a whiff of what was unmistakably a mare in estrus, and all of his thought processes screeched to a halt.

"…Buh…dah…" He sniffed the air, and slowly turned his head.

There was Fluttershy, sitting on a cloud, smiling at him.

In the back of his mind, a voice of experience called out.

_"FLY YOU FOOL. SHE WILL DRAIN YOU OF YOUR LIFE AS SHE HAS BEFORE."_

Fluttershy's come-hither gaze was unbearably erotic, and the hair-flick she added just amplified it to ridiculous levels. The voice of experience wailed again.

_"YOU ALMOST DIED LAST TIME. FLY. NOW."_

It went ignored, as Fluttershy turned her flanks to him and presented herself. Over her shoulder, she called to Vince.

"Mount me." She commanded.

Completely hypnotized, Vince obeyed. "At once, Miss Fluttershy."

A number of vigorous couplings later, an exhausted and dehydrated Vince fell out of the sky and through the roof of the Library, and Fluttershy resumed circling the airspace over Ponyville in search of more fun.

* * *

It was pretty much one hundred percent official: This day sucked. And Spike would gladly emphasize how much it sucked with the deepest, grinding growl he could add, because it really, truly sucked.

"Big Mac! Rarity!" He called into the shop. "Big Mac! Rarity! Come on, we need to go!"

There was silence, and Spike entered, his senses strained to their maximum. He was alert for the slightest noise, the slightest telling scent...

Beyond the scent of all the sex, of course.

"Nngh," he trembled. He was conflicted. On one claw, he did have a major crush on Rarity and Big Mac, well... Enduring the peril still grated on him furiously.

On the other... He didn't want to die. Really, truly didn't want to die before-

"GAH!" Big Mac cried as he fell down the stairs, covered in bruises and scratches. Spike forgot his grudge for a moment and rushed over to the big stallion.

"Big Mac!" Spike said. "You okay?"

The big stallion stared up at the ceiling with a dazed smile. He chewed on a knitting needle, which had taken the place of his usual piece of grass between his teeth.

"Eeyup," he said with a nod.

"What... What happened?" Spike asked, eyes wide as he took in the damage. As Big Mac opened his mouth, Spike waved his claws.

"I-I mean, not the details of... I mean, why are you _downstairs_?"

"Time-out," Big Mac said, with a grin that reminded Spike of the look he'd been wearing right after surviving going over a waterfall: The recent past had held mind numbing terror but also plenty of excitement to make up for it.

"Well... We need to get her to Canterlot," Spike said. "It's the only way to fix this before... Well, before Princess Luna becomes like this."

"Hm? Don't see why she shouldn't get some... Relaxin' in herself," Big Mac commented.

"What about when she's ten times as bad as Fluttershy?" Spike asked grimly. Big Mac huffed.

"Oh, that. Everypony makes such a big deal outta her heat. T'ain't that bad."

"But-But everypony was in such a panic!" Spike protested. Big Mac nodded.

"Eeyup."

"They acted like it was the end of the world!" Spike pushed. Big Mac thoughtfully chewed on his knitting needle.

"Eeyup."

"But it's not a big problem to you?" Spike asked in disbelief.

"Nnnope," Big Mac said. He got up and shook out his mane. Spike stared in some disbelief.

"All right... How is it _not_ a big deal?"

"She has certain ways o' bein' dealt with," Big Mac said mysteriously. "I'll jest leave it at that."

Spike gawped at the stallion for a while, before shaking his head clear.

"... Right, well... What if _every mare_ in Equestria became like Fluttershy? Because that's also very possible!"

Big Mac paused his chewing, blinked, and then slowly nodded.

"Ah. That might be a problem, eeyup."

"So we're going to need Rarity and the other Elements, fast," Spike said. "Can you get her to Twilight's library?"

"Eeyup," Big Mac said with a nod.

"... Do I want to know how you're going to do that?" Spike asked. The big stallion shook his head with a grin.

"Nnnope."

"Didn't think so," Spike said dryly. He headed outside and spotted a cloaked figure trotting into town. "Eh? Hey!" He ran towards the figure. Could it be...?

"Zecora!" He called. The figure turned at her name, and smiled at Spike through the shadow of her hood.

"Somepony to explain I seek, why all of Ponyville seems so meek." She sniffed the air. "Aromas I smell of lust and fear, yet menace I cannot see here!"

"It's Fluttershy. She's in heat," Spike replied.

"So is Pinkie Pie, in the woods I spied," Zecora said, "She's busy with her new Apple brony, dancing a dance to make new pink ponies."

Spike shivered and forced the mental image out of his mind. He needed to focus.

"Do you remember exactly where? We need her and all the other Elements of Harmony to keep this from happening to... To... What are you looking at?" Spike asked. Zecora was staring intently at him, and licked her lips.

"Do you know, little purple dragon, of the worth of your seed?" Zecora asked with a little smile. "So many potent potions to be made from doing the deed."

"Z-Zecora! Not you too!" Spike gasped, backing away. The zebra chuckled throatily.

"An observation only, my dear dragon. I did not even bring the proper flagon."

"Phew," Spike sighed. Zecora nuzzled the top of his head and breathed against his sensitive head ridges.

"Of course for a substitute I assume, you would not object to using my-"

"ZECORA!" Spike cried, jumping back. Zecora shrugged.

"Just a thought."

"Anyway, can you get Pinkie Pie here?" Spike said.

"She is easily brought," the zebra said.

"Good, then get going," Spike said. The zebra nodded, and licked her lips.

"Though, if we should fail in our task-"

"Yeah yeah yeah, you can get your flask," Spike sighed. I didn't know I'd need a dance card for this day...

Zecora galloped away quickly, and Spike rubbed his chin.

_Hmmm... That's Rarity, Pinkie Pie, Applejack is coming soon, Twilight should still be in the library... That leaves Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy. Now, how am I going to find Fluttershy?_

"Oh... Excuse me Spike, but I was wondering, if it wasn't too much trouble, if you could do something for me?" A low, sensual voice asked in his ear. Spike froze, and slowly looked to his right. A pair of bright, beautiful blue eyes were locked on him, just above a sweet, hungry smile.

_Well... One problem solved,_ the dragon thought with a gulp.

* * *

**Dun dun dun...**


	6. Chapter 6

**Beating the Heat**

**or**

**Friendship is Kinky**

_**A My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction**_

**By Andrew J. Talon (With help from The Sage of Toads)  
**

**DISCLAIMER:****This is a non-profit fan-made work of prose. My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic is the property of Hasbro. Please support the official release.**

**Author's Note: I... REGRET... NOTHING!**

* * *

Captain Galland and Mustang took deep breaths, standing outside in the cool air the balcony provided.

"Gotta say Cap, she's not what I expected," Mustang said.

"Nope," Galland said with a little grin. "Not at all."

"Uh oh Cap, I know that look," Mustang said with a warning look. "I thought you were the one who told me not to get too attached on missions-Which this technically is. She might not feel the same way."

"Yeah, I know... But I would be willing to take the chance," Galland said. "For a mare like her... Wouldn't you?"

Mustang coughed, and looked away. "To be honest sir... Yeah, I might." He looked back. "But since this heat isn't exactly normal... It does make one worry. Besides," he narrowed his eyes intently at the horizon, "I can't sacrifice my career for personal reasons."

"Still on about that goal of yours, huh Mustang?" Galland chuckled.

"I'll make it one day, sir. I'll be General someday, just you wait. And on that day," Mustang held up a hoof dramatically and shook it, as though challenging destiny, "all female officers will be required to wear-_tiny miniskirts!"_

"Tiny miniskirts?" Galland asked dryly. Mustang blushed, and shrugged.

"And... And stockings!" He added.

"Hmmm..." Galland closed his eyes and pictured Rainbow Dash in such an outfit. "No idea why, but it's very appealing. All right Sergeant, you've got my support."

"Thank you sir!" Mustang said with a wing salute. Zero came out of the room, taking deep breaths.

"Ah, captain? She's got a request," Zero said. Galland raised his eyebrows.

"A request? What kind of request?"

"She uh... Can't make it right now herself," Zero said without a hint of a blush, "but she asked me to relay it."

"Well, what is it?" Galland asked.

Zero took a deep breath. "She was wondering if any of us had ever done it while breaking the sound barrier... And if it was even possible."

All three stallions were silent for a few moments. Mustang spoke first.

"I think I'm in love."

"You're not the only one, soldier," Galland chuckled. "Well Zero... I don't know for sure, but I'm willing to find out."

* * *

Luna had taken up residence in the North West tower, which had traditionally housed her when she'd visited from her palace in what was now the Everfree Forest. It was tall, clean, and most importantly from Celestia's point of view, isolated.

She flew up to the balcony and landed on it with her usual grace. Tucking her wings against her sides she entered what Luna had made her office. The Princess of the Sun was unable to contain a little smile at how messy everything within it was. Scribbles of calculations, stacks of paperwork, the reworked tax code, a few wet watercolor drawings signed by Pipsqueak, letters to Twilight-

Wait. Back up.

"Oh dear," Celestia said aloud, sniffing the paintings lying on a bare table. The paints were drying... Which meant...

_No, no, no need to panic,_ Celestia thought. She sought out Luna's magical presence and was able to locate it a few floors down... As well as the presence of another pony with her.

She took to the stairs at a faster than normal trot.

_No need to panic... No need to panic..._ Celestia told herself. _Luna would never take advantage of such a young colt, never._ She smiled to herself and nodded.

_Of course. The Elements may influence her severely but I can't imagine that she would... Of course not!_

Then why was she feeling so ill at ease? What could possibly be making her worry? She reached the room they were in and raised her hoof to knock.

"Avast, Princess Luna! Ar! I'll have ye booty as me prize!" An adorable voice cried through the door. Celestia froze.

"Oh my, no! Dread pirate Captain Pip!" Luna cried. "No, you cannot take me! Thou art a rapscallion and hoodlum, my navies will find and save me!"

"Oh, but I will!" Pipsqueak said with an evil (but adorable) chuckle. "I'll take ye as me treasure and have ye make me plenty o' other treasures, ahahahahaha!"

"No! Thou art a fiend, a brute, you... Ooh, that's a bit too hard dear."

"Oh, sorry Princess Luna."

"That's all right dear. Now, back in character?"

"Oh, right... AR! Ye'll be my serving wench! Servin' me in every way, ar!"

"But I am a _Princess_! Thou could have so much loot in exchange! Whatever thy desire! Treasure, gold, wenches-"

_"Never!_ I want a Princess for a wench, and I'll make you my wench!" Pip cried. "With this plank, if I have to!"

"No! Please, don't-!"

The door burst into flames and then smoke, which was blown out of the way as the nails and knob fell to the stone floor. Celestia burst in, ready to blast her sister back to the moon if necessary to protect Luna from herself.

The scene was thus: Pipsqueak dressed in his adorable pirate costume, brandishing his wooden sword at Luna, who was wearing a frilly pink dress that seemed a size too small. A cardboard ship was sitting in the middle of the room, decorated with paint and crayons and Luna herself was on a plank, tied up. There was also a desk filled with several files and pictures of various ponies, though Celestia decided to address the most pressing issue first.

"Sister!" Luna cried.

"Luna, Pipsqueak," Celestia returned.

"Oh, hey Princess Celestia!" Pipsqueak said cheerfully. "I was making Princess Luna walk the plank unless she became my wench!" He rubbed his chin with the pommel of his sword. "What is a wench, anyway?"

"A mare taken as a prize by scalawags," Luna helpfully said. Pip blinked.

"Like my mommy? Or a princess?"

"Yes, like those," Celestia said. "Pip, why don't you go play upstairs for a bit? I need to speak with Luna."

"Sure!" Pipsqueak said cheerfully. The little colt galloped off, and Celestia eyed her sister. Luna stared back.

"... What?" She asked. She untied herself with an application of telekinesis, and stood up. "I felt that a productive activity would be the best use of this... My current condition," she said with a blush.

Celestia sighed in relief. "Oh. Good! Of course."

Luna's eyes narrowed. "Thou seem unduly relieved, sister."

"I was just worried you'd begun... Oh, I don't know, abducting stallions or something," Celestia quickly lied.

"What? No, no, of course not!" Luna said. "I have merely been playing pirate with Pipsqueak, allowing him to tie me up and have his way with me in the manner of villainous seafarers. Absolutely nothing untoward."

"... Of-Of course!" Celestia said quickly.

"I merely sought to enjoy the interaction of mother and foal, the most virtuous aspect of my desires!"

"... Luna, Pipsqueak isn't your foal," Celestia gently pointed out.

"No, no, but I could have one like him!" Luna said.

Celestia very, very slowly nodded. "Of course... And the files?" She jerked her head back at the desk.

Luna trotted over to the stack of folders and pictures and lifted them up telekinetically to display them to Celestia. "I have perused many a file, seeking out the best stallion for my needs."

Celestia stared at Luna for a time. Luna blinked, and continued.

"Judging by... By genetics, hair color, mane color, eye color, temperament, medical history, there are several suitable suitors I might locate for mine purposes. I have even sent agents to investigate their sexual prowess to see if they could match my needs."

"Agents?" Celestia asked.

"Yes! Shadowbolts. I have reformed them to serve in covert operations," Luna said. She frowned. "Strangely enough the volunteers for this particular mission were all female..."

* * *

"Ohhhh~," Nightshade, recently christened member of the Shadowbolts and ace flyer who just barely missed the cut for the Wonderbolts, moaned deeply as she caught her breath. She looked back over her shoulder at the stallion and bit her lower lip.

"Hmmm... Not bad, but I think my Princess will be a _little_ pickier than that," she said seductively. "Why won't you try a bit harder next time so I can make a more informed decision?"

"S-Sure thing!" The stallion said.

* * *

"Ah," Celestia said with a nod. "So you're really going to go ahead with it? Having a foal, I mean?"

"Ah? Oh no, no, not at all," Luna said, shaking her head. "I mean... I wouldn't mind, if it was the proper stallion and Pipsqueak has spoken of his sorrow at being an only child, and it..." The Moon Princess huffed. "I am only preparing for the possibility, nothing more!"

"I see," Celestia said with a smile. "Forgive me Luna, I thought you would handle this much less..."

"Much less what?" Luna asked.

"Well... With less... Grace," Celestia said.

"... And by that you mean...?" Luna asked.

"Well..." Celestia tapped her hooves on the floor. "What do you _think_ I mean?"

"Hmmm," Luna thought.

* * *

**_"ATTENTION ALL SINGLE STALLIONS IN EQUESTRIA, Luna boomed out across the lands, "THINE PRINCESS HAS A TASK FOR YOU. MOUNT YOUR PRINCESS UNTIL WE ARE NO LONGER ABLE TO STAND! ANY SINGLE STALLION THAT FAILS TO HEED THIS CALL SHALL NEVER HEED ANOTHER SUCH CALL FROM ANY MARE AGAIN!"_**

_Luna threw up her hooves and cackled._**_ "SOON I SHALL BE THE MOST SEXED MARE IN ALL OF EQUESTRIA! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"_**

* * *

****"..." Luna gasped. "Sister! You-You have a most perverse mind!"

"I'm not the one who fantasized it," Celestia teased with a grin.

"CELESTIA!"

* * *

Pipsqueak had, instead of running off to play, stayed to eavesdrop. His mummy had told him eavesdropping was rude, but Princess Luna said eavesdropping was what pirates and ninjas did to learn useful things. And since he was still a pirate, Pipsqueak decided he would eavesdrop. He was sure his mum would understand.

"Hmm... Princess Luna wants to give me a new sibling to play with?" Pipsqueak murmured to himself, rubbing the top of his head. "Blimey, that would be... Brilliant!"

The little colt closed his eyes and imagined. Just using your imagination for fun was something his parents and Princess Luna both encouraged him to do, and since Princess Luna did it all the time he was sure it was good!

Though sometimes she was a little weird when she stared out into space not talking or blinking.

* * *

_"Pipsqueak, meet your new little sibling, Ally!" Luna said cheerfully, holding out a baby alicorn. His parents stood nearby, his father smoking his pipe proudly._

_"Hello Ally!" Pip said cheerfully as the little alicorn giggled and waved her wings at him. "Where'd she come from?"_

_"From the store, where your dad, mum, and myself went to bring her home!" Luna said cheerfully. "It was very tough getting her here and making her though."_

_"Yes, I nearly threw out my back!" Pip's dad said with a wince. His mother laughed and snuggled with his father._

_"Oh you!"_

_"And we made a lot of funny noises doing it," Luna said cheerfully. "Like 'ungh!' and 'argh' and 'oh yes!' Your mum made a lot of weird noises too!"_

_"That sounds like fun! When can I do that stuff and make a baby?" Pipsqueak asked, as his parents strangely turned bright red. Just as they had when he'd asked that question before._

_"Not until you're old enough," Luna said, tutting at him as his parents had. "Then maybe we can make a baby together."_

_His parents had said that about other girls, but other girls weren't Princess Luna._

_"Hooray!" Pip said. He hopped on the back of Ally and held aloft his sword. "Away, Ally! Let's have an ADVENTURE!"_

_"ADVENTURE!" She cried, and they shot forth like a bullet through the wall of Pip's house and flew over a rainbow and fought pirates made of candy._

* * *

"That would be great," Pipsqueak thought with a big smile. He dashed upstairs as quick as he could to Luna's desk, took some pen and paper, and wrote out a note.

_Dear Mum and Dad,_

_Princess Luna wants to make me a new baby sibling, and I think you should come here and help her because I want a baby sibling to go have adventures with because she would be an alicorn and that would be brilliant. Also, how old do I have to be until I can make one with Princess Luna cause I don't like waiting for adventures._

_Love,_

_Pipsqueak_

With that, Pipsqueak ran off to find a mail pony. He wanted his letter delivered as soon as possible. After all, the sooner they got started making him a baby sibling, the sooner he could go and have adventures!

* * *

"Uh…h-hi Fluttershy, what do you want?" A trembling Spike asked as Fluttershy stared at him with an utterly saccharine smile.

Fluttershy leaned close to him, tilting her head to one side as she replied. "I would like you to help me round up some more stallions for me. I'm really, really worked up and I'd love to have some more fun." She giggled at the end there, and Spike felt his heart ache.

She was so cute, even though she was essentially a sex-hungry maniac who would not take no for an answer. How could he say no to her?

"Please, Spike? I just want to have a lot of fun and get rid of this awful, awful heat of mine. But the stallions I've found so far have been utterly lacking. I'd like a real stallion…or stallions," She giggled again, "Whoever comes first."

He couldn't say no, not to that kind, gentle face that currently could make any stallion that caught sight of it a blathering, obedient wreck. "Uh…I guess…but could we d-do it later? I mean, Twilight has a plan to get rid of your uh…problem. It's not natural, you see? It's because of the Elements of Harmony and how they're…"

Fluttershy had stopped paying attention at "I guess". "Bored now, where are the stallions, Spike?"

_She didn't hear a word I said, she only wants to get mounted!_ Spike was beginning to understand now why Fluttershy's heat was so terrifying.

"Look, look Fluttershy just follow me. We have to get to Canterlot, and…" Oh dear, he regretted saying that very quickly with the way her ears stood up.

"Canterlot!" Fluttershy's easy smile widened into a lusty grin. "There's a lot of good, handsome stallions there, I'll go on ahead." She began to fly away. "Don't hurry along to fast, I'd like to enjoy myself first."

In that moment, Spike saw a horrible vision. Of stallions lying in the streets of Canterlot, exhausted, drained of nearly all their life (and bodily fluids), a long trail of them leading to Fluttershy. They, who knew nothing of the shy Pegasus pony, would fear her after she filled their streets and gutters with worn out stallions and of age colts. Drained from all the wild sex the ponies would look up to Fluttershy and beg.

_"Spare us!"_

And then Fluttershy would whisper. _"…Again."_

Spike snapped out of it, and resolved to somehow stop Fluttershy. "Fluttershy, wait!"

Fluttershy stopped, and looked back. "Yes Spike?"

"I…I know where there are some s-stallions here in Ponyville! Stallions, lots of them! All of them are ready and raring to go, too!" He quickly said as he gesticulated wildly.

Fluttershy forgot all about Canterlot for the moment, and was up in Spike's snout again. She stared right into Spike's eyes, her own glowing with lust. "Take me to them."

Oh no, he didn't know where any stallions were, but that stare was compelling him to obey her command all the same. It was like an eldritch abomination had decided to jump into his ear and throw a party on the delicate centers of his brain. However, before he could scream in unimaginable agony, a voice called out.

"Your stallions…are right here!"

Two voices, actually. Smoke pouring from his ears, Spike looked over, and saw that Snips and Snails had leaped from a bush and they were poised, ready to mount. Frankly he didn't know what to think of this, or if Fluttershy would even go for it.

She didn't. Starring at them dismissively, Fluttershy turned up her nose. "I want stallions, not colts."

"Aw." Both teenager analogues moaned as they sagged and exited stage left.

"Man, we're _never_ gonna score." Snips lamented.

"I know, right?" Snails agreed.

Spike blinked. Well…that was certainly useless. He then made the mistake of looking back up at Fluttershy, who was staring at him again. That whole eldritch abomination house party in his head almost immediately kicked off again.

"Spike, take me to the stallions…" Her smile became frightening as her eyes widened in a slightly maddening way. _"…Now."_

"Fluttershy."

Spike wasn't sure if it was because of mild brain-damage, but he could suddenly hear music playing in his head, that gave him the image of a pony, red and black, with a white mane. It was pretty boss, but still. He heard it as he looked to see that Big Mac had returned, and he was staring right at Fluttershy.

Fluttershy's eyes lit up even brighter, and she began to trot over to Big Mac, the hunger and desire for the big red sex machine visible even in her languid gait. Stopping before him, she flared her wings out and bowed her head demurely before him.

"Big Macintosh, I would like for you to mount me." She cooed to him, in a voice that almost compelled Spike to obey.

Big Mac chewed on the end of his knitting needle, and then replied.

"Nnnope."

Fluttershy stared up at him, and then just like that, suddenly sat upright, a bright flush on her face. "O-oh my! Big Macintosh! I'm s-so sorry! I didn't mean to be so untoward, it's just that my heat, it's so intense this time, and it's outside of my schedule!"

Big Mac nodded. "I reckoned as much. My sister, Rarity, and all your other friends are goin' through the same thing. It's hittin' y'all harder than ever. Spike said it's because of the Elements of Harmony acting up."

Fluttershy gasped. "O-oh my, no wonder it came on so strong then! We'd better get this fixed right away, especially before I lose control again!"

"Not a problem. Let me just go get Rarity down here and we'll head on to the library to meet up with Twilight." Big Mac said as he turned and trotted back inside.

"Right, I'll wait right out here! Don't be long!" Fluttershy said cheerfully.

"Eeyup." Big Mac called from inside.

Spike's jaw was halfway to the Earth's core by this point.

* * *

**Say it with me: LIKE A BAWSS. And yes, Luna's imagine spots were an homage to Progress.**


	7. Chapter 7

**Beating the Heat**

**or**

**Friendship is Kinky**

_**A My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction**_

**By Andrew J. Talon (With help from The Sage of Toads)  
**

**DISCLAIMER:****This is a non-profit fan-made work of prose. My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic is the property of Hasbro. Please support the official release.**

**Author's Note: I... REGRET... NOTHING!**

* * *

The Doctor re-entered the Library, carrying some saddlebags from his house. He set them down and took in the scene.

There was now a hole in the roof of the treehouse, and Twilight was nowhere to be seen. There were also some pegasus feathers lying around the debris from the roof.

The Doctor frowned and puzzled out his feelings on the matter.

"... Let's see... Insecure about the possibility of another having Twilight Sparkle's attention, some annoyance, remembering I have a house that can go anywhere in space and time including black holes and hostile planets with surfaces like Hell..." The Doctor brightened. "I'm _jealous_! That must mean Twilight's broken her promise and is riding some poor male pegasus to death!"

The Doctor frowned and stroked his chin thoughtfully. "I am jealous... Hm... How do jealous ponies respond to this kind of thing? Maybe I should think of what my villains do... Try to threaten the universe to get her attention back on me?" The Doctor pondered this, before shaking his head.

"Nah, I doubt she'd even notice in her state! Bother... Well! I guess I can go catch her in the act and make some loud, angry recriminations. Maybe mock her choice in companion while secretly wishing to be in their place." He nodded to himself. Yes, this seemed both more reasonable and something his more... Enthusiastic villains would try.

Well, when they have me in their dread fortress or command ship, the Doctor thought as he trotted up the stairs. He frowned and looked around her bedroom. She was nowhere to be found, nor was her captive.

"Well bollocks. Here I am feeling jealous and the object of my jealousy isn't even here!" The Doctor huffed.

There was the crack of a ruler from the observatory room above, and a male yelp.

"No, no, NO! Try it again!" Twilight ordered.

"Y-Yes ma'am!" A terrified pegasus cried. The Doctor trotted up the second flight of stairs and found a rather peculiar (and yet somehow heartening) scene: Twilight, still tied up, was bullying a cowering blue pegasus stallion in front of a chalkboard covered in equations.

"I-I'm sorry, I have no idea how all this work!" The pegasus wailed.

"You are an absolute bore! I cannot believe you can't resolve a simple air density equation!" Twilight snarled. "You're a weather pony for Celestia's sake, what's your problem?"

"Excuse me," the Doctor said. He took up the chalk in his teeth, and wrote out the solution on the board. He set it down and smiled at the awestruck Twilight and the confused stallion. "There we go."

"Doctor!" Twilight cried. Still tied up, she managed to tackle him all the same.

"Oof!" He cried, slamming down onto the floor. He winced. "Ow... Jealousy hurts. Good thing to know."

"Sorry about that," Twilight apologized. She scowled over her shoulder at the pegasus. "You can go now."

The pegasus didn't wait an extra moment, as he hobbled out of the room frantically. Twilight turned back to the Doctor with a happy smile.

"Sorry, he dropped into my house and I had to find some way to keep my mind off of my heat so I quizzed him on some basic math. And look! I didn't even remove my bonds," she said, turning on her back and lifting her bound legs into the air. The Doctor nodded appreciatively, but kept his mind on task.

"He seems a tad worn out," the Doctor pointed out. Twilight scoffed.

"He was like that when he fell in here! Please believe me Doctor, intelligence is my chief turn on. Also heroism, mental agility and..." And here she actually blushed, "well... Maturity. After all, that stallion immediately thought I was going to make him mount me until he died! As though I have absolutely no standards!"

"Yes, well, given the current situation we should probably be forgiving," the Doctor said. He patted her on the head... And then pulled his hoof away as she tried to bite it. "Well! I've managed to account for all of the other ponies, save Rainbow Dash."

"That will be difficult," Twilight said, "but given her personality she probably went after some Wonderbolts."

"Ah, shoots high doesn't she?"

"Don't we all?" Twilight asked, batting her eyes at him. The Doctor nodded indulgently, despite the tiny suspicion he was feeling at how easily the solution had presented itself.

Now now, even you can be too paranoid, he chided himself. The door opened, and the sound of several ponies and a dragon trotting in echoed through the house.

"Doctor! I'm back!" Spike called.

"Perfect timing!" The Doctor said. "Shall we?"

"Certainly," Twilight said. "Carry me?"

"Of course," the Doctor said. He tugged her up onto his back and trotted down the stairs.

* * *

Spike watched the Doctor come down the stairs with the bound Twilight Sparkle on his back, and looked back at Big Mac. The big red stallion was accompanied on either side by Rarity and Fluttershy. The former was leaning against Big Mac and nuzzling his neck with her hair all over the place and her eyes closed. The latter stood nervously against him, as though unable to decide if she wanted to cuddle with the big stallion or not.

"Hello Big Mac, Rarity, Fluttershy," the Doctor said politely.

"Hello Doctor~," Rarity purred. "You'll have to forgive my disheveled state-"

"Nothing to forgive, you're still just as ravishing as ever," the Doctor complimented. Twilight growled in his ear. The Doctor ignored this as Rarity giggled.

"Oh thank you. You know, if I'd met you first in my state I would have shown how ravishing I actually am."

"Watch it," Twilight growled again. Rarity stared at them, and then clapped her hooves together with shiny eyes.

"Oh how wonderful! My dear Twilight, I never thought you'd be so daring, but just look at your outfit! Very seductive! Though not as seductive as I could have made you. Admittedly I was a bit distracted but still, if you'd called me..."

Twilight stared, then smirked. "Well~, I imagine I'll need your services later..."

"And if the Doctor knows what's good for him, he'll appreciate it, right?" Rarity asked. The Doctor raised his eyebrows and Rarity waved her hoof. "Oh come now darling, I see it in her eyes."

"What, the bloodlust?" Spike commented.

"You're so cute, Spike," Twilight said cheerfully. Her eyes narrowed. "Especially when you're quiet."

Spike scowled back. "Well you are acting a bit like a supervillain."

"Least I'm not wearing a mustache I can twirl," Twilight shot back.

"Oh, that was one time! _One time!"_

"Ahem," Rarity cleared her throat. "Can we focus on our main problem, please? Overwhelming heat descending upon all of Equestria? I mean_, I_ found a good stallion but imagine if some unfortunate mares found the _wrong_ stallion?"

Rarity's eyes narrowed and her face darkened. Big Mac, Fluttershy and Spike all took a step back from her as she seemed to twist the very air around her in her fury. Even the Doctor was a tad intimidated, as Twilight lightly nibbled on his ear.

"A stupid, self-centered, irritating, heartless, pumped up, thin skinned, condescending royal pain in the flank who, if he were to try to lay a _hoof_ on me in my condition, would soon find my sewing machine shoved right up his tight, firm a-"

"Hello! Sorry ah'm late!" Applejack called as she burst in through the side door. She panted for breath. "Ah got a mite bit distracted and... Big Macintosh?"

"Eeyup," Big Mac said, nodding in greeting to his sister.

"Applejack? Why do you have a pegasus tied to your back?" Twilight asked in a bit of lucidity. Applejack, due to all the looks she received, blushed deeply and lightly kicked at nothing on the floor.

"Ah... Er... Well... He did try t' save me, even though ah didn't need any saving, and the heat... Er..." She looked over at the Doctor with a firm expression. "Plan B."

"Ahhhh," the Doctor nodded. "Right! Sounds good to me."

"Plan B?" Big Mac asked.

"In case our plan to stop this fails... Well..." Spike did something no pony could do without a hoop and a stick with his fingers. Big Mac raised his eyebrows and looked over at his little sister. Applejack scowled defensively.

"Now Big Mac! You can't shame me! He's a Wonderbolt and a good stallion from what ah know of 'im who tried to save me and loves mah cooking! Should ah get in... In the family way ah know how t' keep 'im from strayin' and even if he does ah_ ain't_ gonna put up with it! Ah helped raised Applebloom and ah can help raise mah own foal!" She pointed her hoof at him.

"And don't you try t' talk me outta it when you might jest have two foals on the way and two mares t' treat right who happen to be mah best friends! We both know how t' be responsible and the right thing t' do and we'll do it cause that's how we were raised, so don't you go into no speeches! If ah have to drag this colt's flank to the priest mahself ah'll do it so ah don't wanna hear nothing! Got it?"

"... Eeyup," Big Mac said with a nod. Applejack nodded, and looked over to the Doctor.

"Sorry, if ah don't cut 'im off he's liable to talk up a storm," she confided.

Even the unconscious Soarin' looked incredulously at Big Mac. The big red stallion shrugged and chewed on his knitting needle.

"Well, that's four accounted for," the Doctor said. "Spike?"

"Pinkie Pie's being recovered by Zecora," Spike said.

"And Rainbow Dash is probably where the Wonderbolts are: Canterlot," the Doctor replied. "So, we'll just have to collect Miss Pie on the way."

"I've got everything we'll need," Applejack said. "Food, water, some... Restraints."

"I knew you were into that sort of thing!" Rarity squealed. "I have a catalog we can look through if you'd like-"

"No thank you!" Applejack growled. "Focus on the task at hoof, Rarity!"

"Yes," Twilight said. "We've got a bit of a journey ahead of us and we're all going to be distracted enough."

"Y-Yes," Fluttershy said, tapping her hooves together nervously. "S-So we need to focus..." She leaned against Big Mac with a sigh.

"Fluttershy," Big Mac rumbled. The butter yellow pegasus flushed and looked down at the floor.

"Sorry."

"Well! As I'm always fond of saying... Geronimo!" The Doctor said, heading for the door.

"Thought it was 'Allons-y'," Spike said wryly.

"Well you need a change every now and again..."

* * *

Braeburn sighed as he stared up at the blue sky above through the openings in the trees. He couldn't help his grin.

"You know... This is one of those days you remember forever," he said philosophically. "The kind burned into your memory... Mmm... Just the smell of the grass, the wind in your mane..." He groaned happily, and then looked down. "And the company..."

Pinkie Pie nodded, though wasn't able to talk. Her mouth was a bit full.

Braeburn looked back at the sky with a smile. "Ah swear ah can even see dark, sexy pegasuses circling overhead..."

"Hm?" Pinkie Pie asked. She swallowed. "Ah? You can? Me too! I wonder if it's some kind of omen! Or hallucination! I think that would be romantic, hallucinations that are shared! They're much more fun that way I think, though they could afford to be more colorful!"

The "hallucinations" landed around them-Three beautiful mares in dark Wonderbolt costumes. Their leader licked her lips.

"Braeburn Apple?" She asked.

"That's me," Braeburn said.

"Princess Luna requires your presence, among other things," the Shadowbolt said. "But before we take you to her... We must test your suitability."

"Suitability? Ooh, for what? What kind of suitability?" Pinkie Pie asked cheerfully.

"Why... To father her foal, of course," the Shadowbolt said with a smile. Pinkie Pie clapped her hooves together happily.

"Hooray! Father her foal and... And... Hey wait a second!" Pinkie Pie scowled. "He's fathering _my_ foal! It's not fair, she should get her own!"

"I'm sorry, it's the Princess's orders," the Shadowbolt said with an evil smirk. "And we want to try him out to see if he'd... Measure up. So I suggest you get out of the way... Before we have to hurt you."

"Uh... Ladies, as flattered as ah am, ah do have a filly of my own," Braeburn said. He saw the glare on Pinkie Pie's face and recalling how she'd handled that land croc, he had no desire to see anypony hurt.

"And... We don't care," the Shadowbolt grinned. "So... Move aside."

Pinkie Pie's mane flattened a bit, and a manic gleam entered her eyes. "Now that's not nice... Not nice at all! Not even offering to play a game for him, you... You big meanies!"

"A game? Now that does sound interesting," the Shadowbolt leader purred. "What kind of game did you have in mind?"

Pinkie Pie grinned, and Braeburn was filled with that familiar feeling of lust, affection and dread he'd come to associate with the pink pony.

"Can you say... 'Uncle'?"

"Uncle," the Shadowbolt replied.

"No, that's not the way you say it!" Pinkie Pie giggled ominously. She grinned, and then pounced, tackling the Shadowbolt leader into a tree. "_This_ is how you say it!"

* * *

The road to Canterlot was going to take a while, and given that several of their number were incapacitated Applejack had thought ahead and brought a cart. Big Mac and Applejack took charge of pulling it, while the Doctor trotted alongside. Rarity, Twilight, the tied up Soarin', Spike and Fluttershy stayed in the wagon.

"It should only take us about an hour or two," the Doctor said cheerfully. "It's good that this road takes us past the Everfree Forest."

"Braeburn was downright crazy t' run in there," Applejack observed. "He really thought Pinkie Pie wouldn't follow him in?"

"Eeyup," Big Mac said.

"He doesn't know Pinkie Pie like we do," Twilight commented, wriggling a bit in her bonds. "I mean, all he's seen her do is suffer total failure."

"Yeah, but he did notice she never gave up, right?" Spike pointed out.

"Hard not t' give up when a herd o' buffalo nearly runs you over," Applejack said.

"Quite," Rarity sighed. She rested her head against Spike's shoulder. "You know Spike, you really are handling this like a trooper. I'm very impressed." She nuzzled the dragon's cheek, eliciting a deep, dark blush from Spike. "If you were a pony I'd be _all_ over you."

"R-R-Really?" Spike squeaked. Rarity nodded.

"Mmhmm... Of course right now I'm tuckered out from Big Mac, but that doesn't mean it's gone away... Just means it's a low, slow, _steady_ burn," the purple maned unicorn purred next to his ear. "And that can be _just as fun_, can't it~?"

"S-Sure," Spike trembled.

"You know, that problem with you not being a pony... I'm quite certain Twilight could solve it," Rarity said, resting her chin on her hoof thoughtfully. "Just at a guess. She did turn me into a pegasus for a time, remember that?"

"Y-Yeah... Pretty wings," Spike said dully.

"They were, weren't they?" Rarity said with a smile. "I'm quite sure, even in her state she could pull it off, don't you?" She glanced at Twilight, who looked almost entirely innocent.

"I'm pretty sure I could, Spike," Twilight said thoughtfully. "I mean... If I was free, that is."

Spike almost... _Almost_ made to untie Twilight... Before his wits returned thanks to Fluttershy's cough.

"Um, excuse me," Fluttershy said, "but doesn't your magic come from your horn?"

Spike froze. Twilight gave her assistant a smile.

"Spike, pleassse? I did promise to not break out of these. It's just a little loophole, and it's being done for you so please?"

"Pleassse?" Rarity begged, nuzzling the base of Spike's tail.

"Ack!" Spike jumped. "I-I think I'll walk!" He jumped out of the wagon and jogged quickly, until he had matched Big Mac's stride. He shivered.

"She's... She's..."

"Eeyup," Big Mac confirmed.

"Twilight! An addendum: No getting anyone else to free you. You cannot be freed unless Plan A fails, that is the agreement!" Doctor called. Twilight pouted.

"Oh, _fine..."_

The Doctor switched to a canter and caught up with Big Mac, Spike and Applejack. The chestnut brown stallion sighed and shook his head.

"Amazing how insidious they can be, isn't it?" He said with a grin.

"You say that like it's a good thing," Spike grumbled. The Doctor's grin grew.

"I just appreciate certain things in my mares, nothing more." He lowered his voice. "Besides... I'd be more suspicious if she _wasn't_ trying something, wouldn't you?"

Spike thought about it... And reluctantly nodded.

"Yeah... You're right."

"Eeyup," Big Mac confirmed.

There was silence for a time, before somepony broke it.

"So Twilight... About that spell t' turn Spike into a pony... What kind o' pony we talkin' here? Big, slim... Thick...?"

"APPLEJACK!"

"Jest asking!"

* * *

Nightshade had been incredibly excited at the prospect of working directly for Princess Luna as a Shadowbolt. Sure, her going Nightmare Moon and nearly ending the world had been scary, but the pegasus couldn't help but appreciate the pizazz and style the fallen alicorn had put into the apocalypse.

Besides, meeting her in person had been truly, epically thrilling. Especially right after she'd failed to make the cut for the Wonderbolts due to her just not being quite fast enough.

"While not fast enough for daylight work, thou hast speed enough for the work of night," she'd told her.

"... Pardon?" Had been Nightshade's less than intelligent response. To which the Princess had flat out facehoofed. In fairness though, Nightshade's ears had still been plugged from the rapid altitude shifts during the last course of the test track.

And Princess Luna was very forgiving of bad first impressions. Along with a few other pegasuses (mostly female), they were put through an intense training program that lasted several weeks. It had included such strenuous things as having to fly through a Wheel of Death packed with flamethrowers and chainsaws, being shot out of a cannon and having to hit a very small target a mile away, and not make any sounds while dressed in a suit made of bells.

Frankly, joining the Wonderbolts would have been _easier_.

Still, Nightshade managed to pass and she proudly earned her Shadowbolt uniform in a nice, quiet ceremony held by Princess Luna, her hoofmaiden, and the guy who had shot them out of a cannon. The last guy had even been on fire during the ceremony, which had added a strange, personal touch to the whole thing.

It sucked he was dating the Princess's hoofmaiden, it really did.

After that, they'd been sent out on all kinds of different missions: Reconnaissance of Wolfenstein castles, monitoring Stalliongrad's balefire and rocket installations, tracking Nyx cultist movement in the Everfree Forest and other areas of strong magical discontinuity, and supporting pirate interdiction missions over the Poseidon Straits.

All of that was incredibly, fantastically fun. Though the Nyx Cult missions always brought up the most controversy, especially when the Conspiracy Theory Hour came up on Everfree Radio.

But nothing could compare to her current assignment: Go out and ride the most eligible bachelors in all of Equestria for their princess. Nightshade felt it was the best mission ever.

And she wouldn't let some crazy pink pony deny her the chance to ride an Apple stallion. They were the stallions mares dreamed of!

"YA!" She cried, kicking the pink pony off her. Pinkie Pie rolled like a bowling ball, slamming into Nightshade's partner Velvet. She was slammed into another tree, and the ball popped back into Pinkie Pie. The pink pony was looking almost manic now, and grinned darkly.

"Granny Pie always said to share, so I guess I'm gonna be a _bad_ filly!" Pinkie Pie laughed. She went into a cartwheel, and Nightshade flapped her wings to boost her jump. She glided over the kicks, and landed in front of Velvet. She stuck her tongue out.

"I'm better at being bad than you could ever be!" Nightshade cried. Pinkie Pie held up her right hoof, turned it facing her shoulder, and cocked it twice. The meaning was clear, and Nightshade charged. Pinkie Pie charged back, their gazes locked. They got closer, closer...

Then Pinkie dropped down to the right and stuck her hooves out. Nightshade's eyes widened and she tried to jump out of the way, but one leg caught on Pinkie Pie's hoof and sent her tumbling into a low hanging branch.

"GAH!" She cried. She spun around on the branch and growled down at Pinkie. "That's it! You're going down you bubble headed twit!"

"Hey! I happen to love bubbles in my head!" Pinkie snarled back. "They make me feel giggly when they-OOF!"

Nightshade pounced as Pinkie was talking, slamming her down into the ground. Pinkie Pie gaped at her.

"Hey! I was TALKING!" Pinkie kicked her in the chest with both hind hooves, and Nightshade twisted just out of the way. She redirected most of the force in the blow that way, and slammed down on her back some distance away.

"SITTING BULL!" Pinkie cried.

"Huh? AH!" Nightshade rolled out of the way as Pinkie tried to deliver the Pony's Elbow to Nightshade's chest. Nightshade swung around to the right, clocking Pinkie Pie in the side of the head. Pinkie swung away and slammed into the ground, taking a mouthful of dirt.

"Pffft! You... You...!" Pinkie Pie snarled. "YOU BIG MEANIE HEAD!"

"Pink twit!" Nightshade snarled back. "I've got my orders you little brat-STOP INTERFERING!"

"I don't care if Lauren Faust herself told you to hump his brains out-HE'S MINE!" Pinkie Pie bellowed.

"Ah... Ladies?" Called Braeburn. "As much as ah'm enjoyin' this...?"

Nightshade and Pinkie Pie turned to look. During their struggle, the third Shadowbolt had trussed Braeburn up in leather strips, and was holding a whip in her teeth. Braeburn's brow was covered in sweat.

"... NATRIX!" Nightshade scolded her. The third Shadowbolt huffed, unrepentantly.

"I _never_ get to use these in regular life, and now I get the chance to and get paid for it! So I'm going to do it!" The pegasus growled, narrowing her crimson eyes. "And I don't care how you feel about it, Lieutenant. I'm going to be busy for a while so you two can just blow off."

"What? But I wanted to do fun leather time games with Braeburn!" Pinkie Pie cried.

"Me too!" Nightshade cried. The two looked at each other oddly.

"... Really? You like that kind of stuff?" Pinkie Pie asked.

"Well, it's more of a hobby than anything else, I don't even have a sawperson," Nightshade admitted.

"Ooh! Ooh! I do, I do! I usually use it for making pinatas for parties but I'm totally sure it can work the old way too!" Pinkie Pie said brightly. "We can make a party out of it!"

"Really?" Nightshade asked, rubbing her chin thoughtfully.

"Sure! Hey Natrix, you want to come to our Leather Funtime Party?" Pinkie asked cheerfully.

"No."

Pinkie Pie seemed to freeze. "I'm... Sorry... What was _that?"_

"I don't want to go to your dumb party, because I'm going to have a party with Braeburn here. All. By. My. Self," the Shadowbolt said.

"Natrix! That's just plain selfish! Not to mention against our orders!" Nightshade growled. "Think of poor Velvet over there!"

"Uhhh... Captain, why are there four of you...?" The dazed Shadowbolt asked.

"I mean, we're in this together!" Nightshade said.

"From my perspective... It's every mare for herself!" Natrix said with a smirk. "What are you gonna do about it, huh?"

Pinkie Pie and Nightshade looked at each other once more. Nightshade noticed Pinkie's hair was becoming much flatter, and her eyes were narrowed.

"No party and no sharing of fun makes Pinkie Pie mad," she growled. "You want to have a party, right?"

"Right?" Nightshade said with a nervous smile. The pink pony seemed far more menacing now than she ever had while they were fighting.

"Me too," Pinkie Pie said. "And every meanie who refuses to have a party with Pinkie Pie... Is in need of a serious attitude readjustment." She held out her hoof. "Partners?"

Nightshade slowly nodded, and bumped her hoof to Pinkie's. "Partners".

"Well then... TALLY HO! FOR SEXY CAKES!" Pinkie Pie cried as she charged into battle.

"FOR NOOKIE!" Nightshade cried as she joined Pinkie.

Velvet threw up from her dizziness and then passed out, which didn't really contribute anything to the charge.

Braeburn for his part was wondering when his life turned into a _Dear Stablehouse_ letter...

* * *

**Just in time for Thanksgiving. Add this to the list of things to be thankful for, kids! Hope it's a happy one!**

**Also, this story now has a TV Tropes page. Check it out!  
**


	8. Chapter 8

**Beating the Heat**

**or**

**Friendship is Kinky**

**A My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction**

**By Andrew J. Talon**

**DISCLAIMER:This is a non-profit fan-made work of prose. My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic is the property of Hasbro. Please support the official release.**

**Author's Note: I... REGRET... NOTHING!**

* * *

The path brought them to the edge of Everfree Forest, where no sane pony would venture without heavy armament, magical protection, or a good reason.

And even then, with a good reason you'd feel more comfortable with the first two.

Of course, that was assuming you were sane, which the Doctor didn't believe himself to be. Sanity was overrated.

"So, how do we let Zecora know we're out here?" Twilight asked.

"Anyone bring some fireworks?" Spike asked sarcastically. The Doctor hummed.

"Well, she does have a good sense of smell... And you said she's been affected by the heat too, right Spike?"

"Right," Spike said. The Doctor looked over at Fluttershy, who flushed.

"Ah... Y-Yes?" She asked.

"Fluttershy, this is vitally important," the Doctor said. "We need you to flap your wings hard enough to send our scent out into the forest." He indicated himself, Spike and Big Macintosh."Oh, and Soarin'."

He frowned and trotted over to the wagon. He held up his sonic screwdriver and scanned the unconscious stallion with it.

"Blimey! I think he's taken a serious hit!" The Doctor said. "Twilight, know any healing spells?"

"One," Twilight said. She grunted and rolled herself closer to Soarin'. Her horn lit up and she closed her eyes. "Let me focus..."

"Hang on, I'll guide you," the Doctor said. "That's strange... I didn't hit him, I just used chloroform. How on Equestria did this happen?"

"Um..." Applejack said in an embarrassed tone. "Ah... Well... Tyin' him to mah back was a bit more labor intensive than ah thought it would be. Sorry."

"You had better make it up to him, poor dear," Rarity said. Applejack licked her lips.

"Ah can think of a few ways..." At the Doctor's glare, Applejack coughed and smiled innocently. "Sorry."

The Doctor sighed. He looked over at Fluttershy. "Beat your wings for Big Mac and Spike then, I need to live up to my title."

"What? It's not your _real name_?" Rarity asked. The Doctor grinned as he tightened the scan of his screwdriver.

"Nnnope."

"Ooh... How mysterious," Rarity said, looking at them while resting her face on her hooves. "Though this does complicate any wedding plans you might have, Twilight. I mean, I don't think I like the sound of 'Doctor Sparkle', so he can't take your last name... But Mrs. The Doctor... What is your real name, Doctor?"

"It's really quite boring, you wouldn't want to hear it," the Doctor said, squinting a bit. "Ooh... A bit of fluid building up." He gave Twilight a wry look. "I think Applejack gave him a concussion."

"I can see it," Twilight said. She gave Applejack a look. "Geez, I knew you were strong but this...?"

"Ah was _improvising_!" Applejack said defensively.

"It's all right Applejack. Given his behavior, it was only natural to assume he was a bit thick headed," the Doctor said with a smile. Applejack glared.

_"Hey!"_

"Take it easy, Applejack. He's just kidding," Twilight said.

"Indeed. I should have realized though that despite the way I dispatched him, he's certainly no mook," the Doctor apologized. "Sorry."

Twilight gave her would-be-mate a wry look. "This happen often?"

"More often than you might expect. Or less, depends on your expectations," the Doctor said with a shrug.

"You know, it might be nice to take the time to get to know each other better. Just in case we need Plan B," Twilight suggested, smiling warmly at the Doctor.

"Twilight? Concussion?" The Doctor pushed.

"Oh! Oh, right," Twilight said. Her horn glowed brightly, and green flowers made of energy washed over Soarin'. The Doctor smiled.

"There we go! He's going to be all right," the Doctor said.

"Mmhm," Twilight said. "You know, there are a lot of other spells I could show off-"

"Yes, well, I'm going to go check on Soarin' from behind this wall of the wagon, hope you don't mind..."

Twilight pouted.

Fluttershy, meanwhile, had been beating her wings hard with a wince, creating as much of a breeze as she could to send the scents of Big Mac and Spike into the forest.

"You sure this is gonna work?" Applejack asked. "Ah mean, Zecora's nose is good but it's a big forest."

"Well, we're kind of short on possibilities," Rarity pointed out. "We could have Twilight put up a big signal, but who knows what that would bring. Maybe a pack of big, _strong_ stallions all seeking to aid a poor mare in distress..."

"Oh my," Fluttershy said, her tongue hanging out as she smiled dreamily. "That... That sounds _wonderful_..."

Spike couldn't help a shiver at how Fluttershy's voice dipped in pitch. It was incredible how... _Enticing_ she could really sound.

"Uh, Big Mac? I think whatever you did is wearing off," Spike said. Big Mac nodded.

"Eeyup."

"... Shouldn't we worry?" Spike asked.

"Nnnope," he said. Spike scowled.

"Well yeah, you won't..."

"Wish ah could say the same," Applejack moaned. Spike jumped and looked over his shoulder at the hungry looking mare.

"APPLEJACK!"

"S-Sorry! Ah just needed some... Air..." Her eyes became half-lidded and she licked her lips. "Mmmm..."

"PINKIE PIE! ZECORA! GET OVER HERE NOW! HELLLP!" Spike bellowed.

"Owww... You don't have to yell!"

Spike jumped again, landing on top of Big Mac. He looked down to see Pinkie Pie standing there with a sour look on her face... And numerous burns and scratches on her body.

"P-Pinkie Pie? How'd you get here so fast-?"

"BIG MAC!" Pinkie Pie wailed. She jumped around, looking intently at every pony (and dragon) she named. "TWILIGHT! RARITY! APPLEJACK! SPIKE! FLUTTERSHY! DOCTOR! WHOEVER YOU ARE! _I NEED HELP_!"

"Uhh... What happened?" Soarin' groaned. "Who's yelling? Why does my head feel like I got hit with something heavy...?"

"Never you mind!" The Doctor said quickly, as Twilight shot him a little smirk. "Pinkie Pie, what is it?"

"Yes, what's got you in such a tizzy?" Rarity asked. Pinkie Pie sniffed.

"Those... Those big meanies took my Braeburn!" She pointed in the distance, as some familiar shapes flew off for Canterlot. "Look! LOOK! They stole my stallion!"

"Wait a moment," Rarity frowned and held up a pair of binoculars to her eyes with her telekinesis. "Those are... Shadowbolts!"

"What? Shadowbolts?" Twilight gasped. She yanked the binoculars out of Rarity's "grasp" and looked herself. "No! It's impossible, those were manifestations of Nightmare Moon's power!"

"Now, wait a second, everypony, hold up," Applejack said, shaken free of her lust for a moment. "Sure you saw it right, Pinkie Pie?"

"I saw them myself! They're Shadowbolts working for Princess Luna They said it, I swear!" Pinkie Pie said desperately.

"But that doesn't make any sense!" Twilight Sparkle said flatly. "Nightmare Moon is gone forever!"

"Unless... Princess Luna's heat has overtaken her, and now she's reverted to Nightmare Moon!" Pinkie Pie gasped, galloping in front of the group to watch the tiny dots recede into the distant Canterlot.

"And now she seeks to have all the stallions to herself, and therefore take over the world!" Rarity cried.

"OF COURSE!" Pinkie Pie shouted dramatically, looked back over her shoulder.

Fluttershy trembled. "Take... All the stallions? But... But that's so... So... _Mean_!"

"That doesn't make any sense though!" Twilight said. "I'm sure we dealt with her!"

"Well, even if it's not Nightmare Moon, it's still Princess Luna having stallions kidnapped," the Doctor pointed out. "I mean, she'll probably go after the most eligible bachelors in all of Equestria, and then some." He indicated himself, Spike, Big Mac and Soarin'. "And let's face it, we're all pretty high up there on the list."

Twilight's eyes widened, and then narrowed. Rarity's, Fluttershy's, and Applejack's followed suit.

Pinkie Pie, not wanting to be left out, copied her fellow Elements of Harmony but ended up cross-eyed.

"I did want to wait for Zecora, but this changes everything," Twilight said. She smacked Big Mac and Applejack on the rumps with her telekinesis. "Giddy-up, both of you!"

"Eep!" Applejack cried. She rushed back into her harness, and the two Apple siblings pulled the wagon down the road fast. The Doctor, Pinkie Pie, and Spike galloped after them, Pinkie helpfully pulling Spike up onto her back.

"Isn't anypony gonna tell me what's going onnnn...?" Soarin' cried, the sound quickly fading into the distance.

A few moments after they had gone...

"My glorious stallion, you've come for me! Mount me quickly so we can make whoopee!" Zecora cried lustfully as she leaped out of the forest. She skidded to a halt, panting, and looked around.

"I curse this forest, causing my delay. Oh well, no worries, they won't get away," the zebra enchantress said with a chuckle and green glowing eyes.

* * *

Prince Blueblood poked his head out of his carriage and gave the ponies pulling him an irritated look.

"Could you go any slower, you simpletons? I have an important meeting with the Princess and I demand I arrive on time!"

"My apologies, your Lordship. We were out for a while last night," the first pony drawing him said, as the carriage crested one of the false summits that led up to Canterlot. Blueblood grumbled and pulled his head back into the carriage.

"This is intolerable... My schedule is very precise on this." He held up up and read through it carefully. His mother felt that reading schedules aloud was good form for a prince and just to keep her happy (and the gold coming), he kept to the habit.

"Wake up... Did that. Eat. Did that too... Nap. Did that... Go to Princess Celestia and petition her unjust choice for the convention's emcee... At this rate I shall miss my workout and lunch!" He said. He held up a magic voice recorder to his mouth.

"Memo to myself: Have my personal trainers pull my carriage. Clearly they are in _better_ shape..."

The carriage shook and Blueblood nearly fell off his hooves. "Ah! What?" He poked his head out of the window and scowled at the pulling ponies.

"Oh, what is it now?"

"One of the wheels is stuck, Prince Blueblood," one of the ponies replied. "We'll have to get it unstuck."

"Oh... Fine, fine!" Blueblood sighed, looking down at the cluster of rocks the wheel was stuck in. He pulled his head back. "Just don't take too long about it!"

"Yes your majesty," the first pony dully replied, as he unharnessed himself. His companion, a younger pony, blinked quizzically at his senior.

"Why don't he use his magic to get himself unstuck? I mean, he has powerful telekinesis, right?"

"Ah, but if he did that, he wouldn't be a Prince now would he? Look it up in the dictionary. Prince, noun. A male pony who can't be bothered to do anything for himself," the senior servant replied dryly, as he dug out a shovel from the back of the carriage. He tossed it to the rookie. "Now, get digging!"

"Right sir!" He said. As he began his digging, he mumbled around the shovel handle. His senior frowned.

"What was that?"

"I said, I really wish I had a dictionary. I did not know that," the rookie said. The older pony chuckled... Then blinked as he saw that the rookie's expression had not changed at all.

"... Right then..."

* * *

"Can't we go any _faster_?" Pinkie Pie demanded, having caught up to the wagon and now sitting on the baseboard. The Doctor sat next to her, fiddling with his sonic screwdriver, while Twilight rested her head between them with an almost petulant look.

"We're pounding dirt mighty hard right now!" Applejack called back, a bit irritated. It was understandable though: Fluttershy was making eyes at Soarin', and as woozy as he was...

"Eeyup," Big Mac contributed.

"Ooh...! By the time we get there it'll be too late! My Braeburn will be drained into apple juice by Nightmare Moon!" Pinkie Pie wailed. "Twilight! Can't you do something?"

"Hmm... Well," Twilight said thoughtfully. "I do know the Haste spell..."

"Wait, wait! Not the Haste spell!" Spike cried. "You haven't perfected it yet!"

"What's the worst that could happen?" The Doctor asked. "The cart bursts into flames and then explodes, killing us all?"

"YES! EXACTLY THAT!" Spike growled.

"Pfft. I've been through plenty of explosions on carts that were speeding out of control," the Doctor huffed, running a hoof through his hair. "I came out all right!"

"Ooh! You mean, you've exploded more than once?" Pinkie Pie asked eagerly, holding her hooves together. "That's _incredible_!"

"Point is, I don't like exploding!" Spike growled. "And I'm sure everypony else doesn't like exploding either!"

"We could take a vote," Twilight suggested wryly.

"Yeah! If you're for exploding, say yay! If not, say neigh!" Pinkie Pie cheered.

"N-Neigh!" Fluttershy cried, pulling her eyes away from Soarin'.

"Neigh," Soarin' said, wincing a bit.

"Neigh!" Rarity cried.

"Neigh," Big Mac added.

"Neigh!" Applejack shouted.

At Spike's glare, the Doctor coughed. "Ah, neigh as well."

"Phooey!" Pinkie Pie huffed.

"All right... Let's vote on one other thing then," Twilight said carefully. "Who is in favor of getting to Canterlot as quickly as possible to prevent Nightmare Moon's Erotic Reign of Terror?"

There was a pregnant pause.

"'Erotic Reign of Terror?'" Rarity asked. "Really Twilight?"

"What? _What?"_ Twilight said defensively.

"I dunno, I like it! Very dramatic," the Doctor complimented.

"Kind of corny," Spike opined.

"Still, my point remains. The sooner we get there, the better. And I can get us there with the Haste Spell safely if I combine it with a Shield Bubble spell," Twilight said.

"Ya mean the thing you did against Discord?" Applejack asked. "Well... Ah reckon that might work!"

"All in favor?" Twilight asked.

"Yay!" Cried the party. Twilight smiled and her horn glowed.

"All right... Everypony hang on!"

A bubble of magical energy, crackling with what appeared to be static electricity, formed around the wagon as well as it's pullers and passengers. It seemed to stick to the ground and shifted it's shape slightly in reaction to the terrain. Twilight's eyes glowed, and so did the wagon, Applejack and Big Mac.

"Okay... Here... We... Go!" Twilight cried. And in a flash, the wagon shot off at several times it's original speed.

* * *

"Wow! Hey Towback, you hear that?" Asked the rookie. The senior puller of Prince Blueblood's carriage blinked and frowned.

"Yeah... Sounds almost like a train..." He slowly turned his head, his ears twitching. "Coming up right... Behind us..."

Over the hill below them, a giant purple bubble zipped up the road. Towback's eyes widened.

"ROOKIE! RUN!" He cried. He jumped off the carriage. "Prince Blueblood! Sir! Get out, quickly!"

The Prince stuck his head out the window with a sneer. "Now wait just a moment! I can't get out onto the common grass and soil! Not without some towels or a carpet! You must get those out before you-HEY! WHERE ARE YOU GOING?"

The two employees ran and jumped behind a boulder. The Prince scowled and looked back.

"Just what's gotten into the-?"

The carriage was shattered into a million pieces by the passage of the bubble, which was not even slowed down. It was like a flower blooming and then bursting into a hundred different pieces. Towback and the rookie gaped from behind the boulder as the bubble continued on it's way up to Canterlot.

"... Uh... Towback?" The rookie asked.

"Yes rookie?" The older pony asked.

"... Do you think this will affect our performance reviews?" He asked.

Towback rolled his eyes.

"I'd call that a yes, Rookie. It's just a funny feeling of mine, mind you, but I've learned to trust them."

"Oh. Gosh, I hope I can have funny feelings like that when I'm your age," the rookie said reverently. "All I get are headaches!"

"That does not surprise me in the least, Rookie."

* * *

"Ahhh! How do we stop this thing?" Spike cried as the sphere zipped up the road. The carriage they had run into had left a passenger on the front-A terrified looking white unicorn.

"Ah, hang on," Twilight said as she closed her eyes. "Trying to remember, remember..."

"Remember faster before he's turned into road kill!" Spike cried.

"We could just stop," Big Mac pointed out.

"Can you?" Twilight asked flatly. Big Mac frowned, looked at his hooves, and then back at her.

"Nnnope."

"Wha-We _can't_ stop!" Applejack cried as her hooves continued hitting the ground hard. "TWILIGHT! Stop us!"

"Hang on, give me a second," Twilight said.

"That poor unicorn won't have more than a few seconds!" Rarity cried. "Oh my, and he's so big and strong, too!"

"Rarity!" Spike admonished.

"Oh come now Spike, let me have a bit of fun won't you?" Rarity cooed.

"Ahhh..." Spike shook his head free of distraction and looked to Twilight. "TWILIGHT! HURRY UP!"

"Don't you mean 'slow down'?" The Doctor asked.

"_Not helping_!" The dragon growled.

"Okay, okay... Got it!" Twilight's horn flashed, and the shield bubble vanished. Big Mac and Applejack slammed their hooves into the road and slid to a halt. The stallion had slammed into the ground in front of them, his face hidden.

"Oh my! You poor thing! Just a moment!" Rarity cried. She hopped out of the wagon and galloped over to the white unicorn, Fluttershy and the Doctor with her. "Are you all right? Speak to me!"

She dug out his head from the dirt and lifted it up.

"Humina... Commoners again? I'm surrounded... Hundreds of purple and pink ones," Blueblood slurred. Rarity blinked, then growled. She dropped the unicorn's head into the soil.

"Twilight dear? Do you know any spells for removing roadkill? Preferably with _fire_?"

Blueblood's eyes focused on Rarity, and he squeaked in terror.

"N-No! No _you_ again! Oh why, why do you torment me?-EEP!"

"FLUTTERSHY!" Spike shouted. Fluttershy jerked her head away from Blueblood's extremities, her face bright red.

"S-Sorry! I was um, checking him for injuries."

"Darling, believe me, you're much better off pursuing another stallion. You have no idea where this one has been," Rarity consoled, guiding Fluttershy over to Big Mac. The purple maned pony licked her lips at Big Mac and trembled. "I'm sure he can help your standards... _Rise_ a bit."

Spike found himself digging his claws into his knees and gritting his teeth. Big Mac gave him an understanding look, while the Doctor looked over to the cart of companions.

"He's just fine. Even his head, quite thick isn't it?" The Doctor said, scanning the unicorn with his sonic screwdriver.

"It's the thickest head in all of Equestria!" Blueblood said proudly.

"Of course it is," the Doctor said with a nod. He looked over the gates of Canterlot with a smile. "Well! Bug on the windshield aside, we made it none the worse for wear. Smoother trip than some of mine in the TARDIS."

"The TARDIS?" Twilight asked curiously.

"Oh yes. My time traveling spaceship! It can go anywhere and anywhen in almost no time at all!" The Doctor said brightly. Spike perked up.

"Wait, wait, wait," Spike said with a scowl. "You have a time traveling spaceship?"

"Yes, I do," the Doctor said.

"Which can travel through... Space and time?" Spike pressed a bit further.

"Yes. Time and Relative DIstance in Space, a TARDIS," the Doctor explained.

"So, if you have that... **_WHY DID WE TAKE A WAGON UP TO CANTERLOT?"_ **Spike bellowed furiously. The Doctor winced, and rubbed his ears.

"... Ah. Well. Knew I forgot something," the Doctor said, rubbing his chin. "Oh well! We're here now, that's what counts right?"

"Remind me to tear off _your head_ when this is over," Spike growled. Blueblood saw Rarity glaring at him again, and wilted like a pansy.

"Fortunately for us both, it's not my only one," the Doctor said, helping Twilight out of the wagon.

"I kind of enjoyed it," Rarity said with a smile as she brushed her hooves through her mane, eyes now on the space next to her. "Mmm... Fluttershy? Are you all right?" She looked around. "Ah? Where is she?"

The pink maned pony's head was down... Between Big Mac's legs. Said stallion's eyes were crossed.

"FLUTTERSHY!" Spike cried. Fluttershy lifted her head up, her cheeks bright red.

"S-S-Sorry! Sorry! Th-The pheromones...!" She looked up at the cart as Big Mac coughed and regained his composure. "Maybe I could try Soarin'-"

Applejack snarled. "Soarin' is MAH Plan B Fluttershy! Go get yer own!"

"I-I wouldn't mind so much," Soarin' admitted. He squeaked as Applejack's deadly glare reached him. "N-Nevermind!"

"CAN WE MOVE IT ALONG ALREADY?" Pinkie Pie bellowed. The pink pony had remained silent trying to restrain herself, but really! Enough was enough! "MY PUDDIN' IS IN THAT CASTLE!"

"'Puddin'?" The Doctor asked, curiously.

"Well it'll be more of what he'll make me into when we-"

"Oh! Yes! Him! Well, let's get going!" Twilight quickly interjected. "The sooner we get the Elements of Harmony, the better."

"It's a good thing that the annual Studly Stallions Fair for Manly Ponies isn't going on right now!" Pinkie Pie said cheerfully. Twilight blinked.

"That's... An odd thing to be thankful for, Pinkie Pie."

"Isn't on? It IS on!" Blueblood huffed. "I was to complain about NOT being in charge of the festivities! Am I not the manliest stallion in Equestria? Am I not studly enough for their tastes? Is it my mane, my eyebrows, my shampoo, WHAT?"

Everypony stared at him for a moment, before looking back to Canterlot's gates.

"Hey! Stop ignoring my magnificence!"

"So, we have to get through an entire convention's worth of hunky, studly, manly stallions to fix this," Rarity said. She nuzzled up to Big Mac. "I'm sure it won't be a problem... All of them together, smelling good together... Doing manly things... Mmmm..." She looked at Big Mac and bit her lower lip. "Unf... Big Mac? Darling? Could you take me? Behind the trees?"

"Me too," Fluttershy said with a lusty giggle. "Oh my oh me oh _my_..."

"LADIES! FOCUS!" Applejack bit out with a growl. "Th' sooner we get in there, the sooner we fix this mess!"

"Ah, Applejack," the Doctor gestured with his hoof. Applejack looked back and saw her hair was wrapping around Soarin's neck, and her hips were up. She blushed brightly.

"Ah... Sorry," she mumbled.

"I'm totally fine with this," Soarin' said quickly.

"Later!" Twilight said. "Focus on the mission, ladies. Equestria is counting on us, whether it knows it or not! So, onward!" She looked over at the Doctor. "If you would please carry me, Doctor?"

"Of course," the time traveler said with a jaunty smile. He slid her onto his back. "And here I thought the climax to this adventure might be dull!"

"Oh, believe me, it'll be anything but," Twilight said emphatically, as they made their way to the gates of the city. Blueblood would have followed, but another deadly glare from Rarity sent the ponce squeaking into hiding.

Spike at least had one thing to be thankful for today, he guessed...

* * *

**Bit shorter than usual but sue me: I'm running into finals week and Batman: Arkham Asylum is taking up a lot of my time, to say nothing of writing more Batman fanfiction. Batman Batman, Batman Batman. The Mysterious Mare-Do-Well.**

**Any Stephanie Brown fans out there? Would be fun to see a fic where post-DCU Reboot she ended up being the Mysterious Mare-Do-Well. Crazy as hell but still fun.**

**Anyway, following finals week I will be dunking my head in cold water and pulling my muse away from Batman long enough to get back into Ponies. Merry Christmas, Happy New Year!**


	9. Revised Chapter 9

**Beating the Heat**

**or**

**Friendship is Kinky**

_A My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction_

By Andrew J. Talon

**DISCLAIMER:This is a non-profit fan-made work of prose. My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic is the property of Hasbro. Please support the official release.**

**Author's Note: I... REGRET... NOTHING!**

Also, special credit for this chapter goes to Friendly Uncle and The_Erosennin. Both of them were fantastic help on this!

This is the revised version of this chapter. It's much better than the last one. But don't take my word for it... Well yes, actually do...

Just read.

* * *

Luna waited impatiently in the highest room of her tower, tapping her hooves on the tiles. She was already feeling antsy, but she was able to take her mind off it and focus on the task at hoof. She stomped a bit impatiently, and found her anxiety spiking... Then lessening as she sensed her Shadowbolts returning. They flew through the window, bearing a confused looking stallion in a vest and cowcolt hat.

"Your Majesty," the Shadowbolts chorused.

"Excellent. Thy mission is complete?" Luna asked.

"Yes!" Said the leader, Nightshade. "And we have brought an eligible bachelor with us for you! Braeburn Apple!"

"Ah... Scuse me, yer Majesty," the stallion said, "but uh-"

**"Silence!** Allow us to examine thee," Luna said. Braeburn blinked.

"... Okay...?"

Luna's horn flashed and she scanned him carefully. "Hm... Thou are healthy and full of vitality," she complimented.

"Ah, thank you kindly Princess," Braeburn said nervously. "Now uh, if yer checkup's done-"

"Let us proceed to make foals," Luna said with all seriousness, though with a charming blush across her cheeks.

"Wait, what?" Braeburn gasped as Luna advanced on him. "Now wait just a cotton pickin' minute! Here your flyin' femme fatale squad busts in and takes me away from mah marefriend while we're... Ah... _Occupied_... And brings me to you to... Er," he paused at Luna's surprised look. His country manners reasserted themselves.

"Not that ah wouldn't feel privileged to... But damnit ah've got a girl and ah don't feel too kindly about cheatin' on her! Specially after she chased me down like crazy!"

Luna blinked several times. She then glared at the assembled Shadowbolts.

"Is this true?" She growled.

Nightshade rubbed the back of her mane, coughing awkwardly. "Ah... Well... Your Majesty, um, I suppose we got a..."

"Little carried away ourselves," Natrix said, pawing the floor.

"I was unconscious so I don't know what happened," Velvet defended herself.

"We just seemed to lose our heads around the Holder of Laughter-"

_**"What? Thou hast taken this stallion from Pinkamenia Diane Pie, our beloved servant?"**_ Luna gasped, slipping into the Official Royal Canterlot Voice. The Shadowbolts cowered behind Braeburn, who was trying to keep his hat on in the face of Luna's bellow.

"Ah... Well... Yes, yes we did," Nightshade said, "A tiny bit like that!"

_**"In the midst of their lovemaking?"**_ Luna thundered. _**"No matter the change in times, coitus interuptus is a grave offense!"**_

"I was just following orders! That crazy pink pony nearly knocked my block off!" Velvet complained. "And another thing-MMPH!" Natrix covered her mouth with her hoof, as Nightshade nearly shivered out of her outfit.

"Pr-Princess... I'm so sorry! Please, forgive the others! I was in command!" She threw herself before Luna, her face slamming into the floor. "I take full responsibility! Also ow!"

Luna's wrath abated, for the moment. The sovereign goddess of the moon looked thoughtful.

"Braeburn Apple... Wouldst thou say thine marefriend was in the throes of heat?" She asked. Braeburn blinked, and nodded very slowly.

"Ah... Well, a bit. A smidge..." At Luna's raised eyebrow, he pulled his hat down to try and cover his blush. "She couldn't keep her hooves off me, ma'am."

"And you are sure she was Pinkamenia Diane Pie, Holder of the Element of Laughter?" Luna inquired.

"Well she weren't mah granny!" Braeburn said, a bit defensively.

Luna hummed thoughtfully, and turned to the door. She tapped her hoof a few times, and a small spotted colt came into the room. He was wearing a round bowler hat.

"Pip, our pipe if you would be so kind?" Luna asked. Pip smiled cheerfully and ran out. He came back in, a pipe in his mouth, and the lunar monarch took the pipe. She sat down and frowned at the nearby wall, blowing the pipe. Bubbles emerged and drifted around the room.

Braeburn stared. He looked over at the Shadowbolts, who shrugged.

"She does this sometimes," Nightshade said with a long suffering sigh. "Just roll with it."

"Ah, and the colt?" He asked, as Pip laughed and popped the bubbles adorably with his little nose. The whole thing seemed more than a little bizarre, even by the standards of this day.

"She babysits for his parents. Isn't he adorable?" Velvet sighed.

"I just want to eat him up," Natrix giggled.

_**"OF COURSE!"**_ Luna cried, standing up and holding a hoof up over her head with a triumphant smile. The Shadowbolts and Braeburn were blown off their hooves, while Pip had curled into a little ball and weathered the proverbial storm.

**"The Elements of Harmony are inducing a kind of magical heat in those directly affected by it's magics, and in turn those affected by magic cast by the affected! My own magical suits for the Shadowbolts have turned our servants into lusty... **Er**..."** She looked down at Pip, smiling up at her, filled with innocence and joy.

"... Pip, why don't you take mine pipe to the playroom?" Luna asked, levitating it to the little colt.

"Aw, but we were gonna play Sherlock Pones!" Pip pouted. Luna smiled and bent her head down to nuzzle the top of the little colt's head.

"I will play with thee later, now get thee to the playroom," she said kindly. Pip smiled back, waved adorably at the visitors, and galloped off.

"As we were saying," Luna resumed, "**mine own magic has been compromised! Therefore, the Elements of Harmony may induce lusts quite outside the normal intensity for normal estrus!"**

"So why aren't we... Um... You know, trying to take Mr. Apple here?" Nightshade asked.

_**"SIMPLE!"**_ Luna cried, making her subjects jumps. **"Your exposure to the Elements is minimal, whereas I received a full blast right to my very face and deep within me!"** She gasped. **"ZOUNDS! Which means, mine own sister is afflicted!"**

"Ah, well, I don't think we have to worry too much about that," Nightshade tried to console her monarch. "I mean, it's not like there's some big, huge convention going on at the castle she'll perform magic at with loads of ponies, right?"

Braeburn felt ice drop into the bottom of his stomach.

"Ya mean... Like the Studly Stallion Convention?" Braeburn asked. "Which I was in Ponyville for in the first place?"

Nightshade blinked. Velvet gaped. Natrix groaned.

"Yes, such an event would be..." Luna trailed off and sighed. "Thou were not joking."

"No, no I wasn't," Braeburn said.

_**"GUARDS!"**_ Luna bellowed, and several stallions in silver armor appeared seemingly out of nowhere. "Inform our Sister of this calamity! If we know Twilight Sparkle, and we do, she shall come here to rectify the situation using the Elements of Harmony!"

"But aren't they causing this situation?" Nightshade asked.

**"Verily!** But they are also the solution to said situation! If their heats do not drive the entire population of Canterlot to rut like animals out in the streets!" Luna boomed.

"So, what are you going to do your Majesty?" Nightshade asked.

**"I am going to do what I should have done in the first place!"** Luna cried. Her voice dropped to a more normal level.

"Go hide in the playroom with Pipsqueak until this blows over."

"But... Ain't you a Princess? Ain't you supposed ta-" Braeburn tried, but Luna glared at him. Her nose came into contact with his.

"At the moment mine restraint hangs by a **_thread_**. Thine accent is... Most becoming," Luna admitted, her cheeks blushing. "Should mine restraint slip, thy very life would most likely hang in the balance! Can thou imagine what might happen after?"

Braeburn had a pretty good idea.

_"No! NOOO! You maniacs! You wore them all out! Damn you all to hell!" Pipsqueak, last stallion alive, wailed as he shook his hooves at buried monuments to Celestia and Luna: Giant statues of them in maid uniforms, winking across the barren, lifeless landscape._

"Ahhh... Well... When you put it that way," Braeburn gulped, "Makes sense t' me!"

"Good!" Luna said. "Shadowbolts! See to this noble Apple's returned to his marefriend," Luna said. _**"GOOD DAY!"**_

She vanished in a flash of light, leaving the room deserted save for Braeburn and the Shadowbolts. The Apploosa farmer looked over at the three females, and gave them a nervous smile.

"Uh... Heh... Well uh, guess you'll be takin' me to Pinkie Pie... Right?"

"... Yes," Nightshade said, her gaze becoming sultry, "but she didn't say _when_."

"See, with this magical influence over us," Natrix purred. Braeburn had already been sweating bullets at the proximity of Princess Luna, but with these three mares... Well, he felt like he could supply ammo for an entire water war.

"We can't be held accountable for our actions," Velvet finished, licking her lips.

Braeburn sighed.

"Well, ah'm mighty sorry you nice girls feel that way, what with WHAT IN TARNATION IS THAT THING?" Braeburn cried, pointing out the window.

The Shadowbolts glanced, just long enough for Braeburn to be out of their sight. And that was all he needed to gallop like hell out the door.

* * *

The Annual Studly Stallions Fair for Manly Ponies was in full swing, its attendants filling every corner of the palace's grand ballrooms and its expansive courtyards. Stallions of all size and description filled every available space, all of them extremely studly. Many were engaged in manly stallion activities, such as the contest to see who could haul the heaviest load of grand pianos filled with molten lead. An entire tent was filled with stallions engaging in the art of bending things.

And in one corner of the ballroom, a group of extremely large and powerfully built stallions were learning how to crochet.

A pegasus in golden armor walked among them. He would occasionally pause to nod at ponies he was familiar with, or to admire a particularly studly doily, but for the most part his eyes roamed high and low among the crowd, as if searching for something. As he roamed, a unicorn in the same armor walked up beside him, also looking around warily.

"Any sign of them?" asked the unicorn guard.

"I'm afraid not sir," replied the pegasus, "if I may, I don't think they're here. A couple of fillies would be pretty easy to spot in this crowd, and I haven't seen hide nor hair of one, even though I'm going over this place with a fine toothed comb."

He held up his comb for emphasis, and his superior eyed it critically.

"That is very fine-toothed. But don't give up soldier, our orders come directly from the Princess. If she says the Elements of Harmony are going to appear at this convention, then they probably will. Keep at it."

"Yes sir!"

The unicorn broke off from his compatriot and headed inside. Ascending the steps up to the palace's second floor, he slowly approached the Princess herself, who was looking out over the proceedings from one of the ballroom's many balconies. She didn't seem to notice him at first, simply staring down into the crowd below. The unicorn blinked, then carefully followed her gaze, noting that the Princess seemed to be closely scrutinizing a group of stallions who were seeing who among them could do the most squats.

Celestia said something in a whisper, and the guard shuffled just a bit closer in case it was meant for him.

"...Yesss... Mama like..."

Not for him then. The guard carefully backed up a few steps, and then loudly cleared his throat. The Princess immediately straightened up and then turned to face him, blushing slightly and forcing a smile.

"Ah, hello Lieutenant! Anything to report?"

"Not yet your majesty, but we're covering all the entrances and exits. If they show up we'll know."

"I am sure we will. Continue your patrol, Lieutenant."

"Yes, your majesty."

He strode away, and Celestia watched him go. A slight blush rose on her cheeks as she eyed his haunches for a long moment before she realized what she was doing and violently shook her head. When she opened her eyes the guard was gone, but she could still hear the hum and buzz of countless stallions on the floor below, calling to her.

"Twilight... I have the utmost faith in you, my most faithful student... but please, hurry...!"

* * *

"Yes indeed," said the Doctor with a bright grin, "here we are!"

Canterlot Castle stood before them, the grand palace's gilded towers reaching into the sky and reflecting the light of the sun. Spike shaded his eyes with a claw as he peeked around the castle's gate. The Doctor stood beside him, Twilight draped over his back like a rolled up carpet. The others were off to one side. Big Mac was trying very hard to look like he wasn't aware that Fluttershy and Rarity were both trying very hard not to be obvious about rubbing their flanks gently against his sides. Soarin' was lying quite contentedly on Applejack's back and watching the clouds with a serene expression on his face while Applejack herself very purposefully looked everywhere except where two of her best friends were coming on to her brother. Pinkie Pie was playing a game of solitaire.

Prince Blueblood had been left by the side of the road, like trash. Though they'd at least convinced Rarity not to put him through a compactor first.

"So uh, why are we hiding again?" asked Twilight, shifting awkwardly on the Doctor's back.

"Well we don't want anypony to know we're bringing six hormonally berserk mares into the annual Studly Stallions Fair for Manly Ponies," said the Doctor cheerfully, "There might be a stampede! We need to keep the lot of you together and as far away from the poor unsuspecting stallions as possible."

"I am NOT berserk," asserted Rarity, "Hormonally or otherwise!"

"I am!" said Pinkie Pie with a cheerful smile.

"The point is, we're keeping our eyes on you all," said Spike, turning and pointing two claws at his eyes, and then pointing them at the ponies.

"Where'd Fluttershy get to?" asked Big Mac.

Spike made a sound that only Winona could have heard.

"There she is!" said Twilight cheerfully, "She's talking to the guards!"

"Oh bollocks," groaned the Doctor.

"Uh, I do not believe that is entirely what is goin' on," said Big Mac.

"She's doin' somethin' to the guards," said Applejack, "But she sure ain't talkin' to 'em."

"Spike, avert your eyes!" cried Twilight.

"Too late," the dragon said in a dull tone.

The screams of the guard that managed to escape faded away, and were replaced by other noises. The Doctor's jaw dropped.

"My goodness, look at her go."

"Hey!"

"Oh, I'm sorry Twilight, but LOOK at her."

"... Okay, yeah, that is pretty impressive."

Spike was looking around frantically.

"Guys? Where did Pinkie Pie and Rarity go?"

Big Mac and the Doctor startled, then whirled to see what the dragon was talking about. All that was left on the ground beside the gate was a small pile of playing cards and a few hoofprints.

"Oh no," groaned Twilight, "This is bad. This is very bad. Did you see where they went Applejack?"

"...Uuhh, she might have," said Soarin', "But I don't know if that'll help us."

The Doctor turned and he and Twilight found the trussed up Wonderbolt lying on the ground, his bound legs wiggling helplessly. They also found a distinct lack of Applejack.

"Oh dear. Well, at least we know where Fluttershy is..."

Big Mac prodded him in the shoulder. The Doctor sighed heavily and turned again. The guard that hadn't managed to escape Fluttershy's affections was lying in a heap of exhausted pony on the ground, one leg occasionally twitching. Of the yellow pegasus herself, there was no sign.

"Oh well," said Twilight, "It was a good plan while it lasted! Doctor, if you would be so kind there's a nice shady tree over there you could deflower me under..."

"Oh no!" the Doctor snorted, "We are not giving up _that_ easily! Macintosh, Soarin', you go right."

"Eeyup," said Big Mac as he hoisted Soarin' over his shoulders and set off at a brisk trot.

"...Um... you... you could probably untie me now, I could help search, what with the flying and all."

"No time!"

The Doctor turned to Spike.

"You go left. And keep an eye out for the princess, if anypony can pull all of our haunches out of this mess it's her."

"Gotcha!"

Spike scampered away. The Doctor set his sights on the palace's main entrance and trotted forwards.

"And we, Twilight m'dear, will take the middle. _Allons-y!"_

"Mmmmm, I _love_ it when you talk like that."

* * *

"Your majesty! Your majesty! They're here!"

Celestia's head snapped upwards from where she'd been watching a pony named Flex Plexico bending rebar with his stifles. One of her guards had rushed over to her and was now standing there panting, his armor in disarray and more than a few wing feathers out of place. The princess blinked in surprise.

"Goodness my little pony, what happened? Surely my faithful student couldn't have been that much trouble!"

The guard swallowed nervously and straightened his helmet.

"Uhm, I don't know about that your majesty, I didn't actually see Twilight Sparkle. Ah, it was the yellow one, I think she was the element of kindness? She um... wow, those eyes, you know? And then she... well, I managed to escape your majesty, but I think she got Private Pyle. I could... I could hear... THINGS."

Celestia stared at him for a long moment. The guard coughed.

"_Sexy_ things," he elaborated.

Celestia facehoofed.

"Alright, well if Fluttershy's here that must mean Twilight and the others are too. Find the lieutenant and let him know we're on maximum alert! The elements are here, we just have to find them! Get to it!"

"Yes ma'am!"

* * *

Applejack moved through the sea of studs like an orange shark, eyes roaming high and low as she took in the veritable feast of high quality horseflesh on display. She'd wandered into the strongpony portion of the convention, and was surrounded on all sides by simply enormous stallions. Applejack wasn't exactly a small pony, but the males around her were truly titanic representations of the species, completely eclipsing her from view. And to top it off, their relative size left her right at eye level with some of the more interesting portions of their anatomy.

She almost slipped in her own drool once before she found herself face to backside with a pony sporting the biggest pair of apples she'd ever seen. Hormonal cues in the mare's brain slowly clicked into place, and she crouched, preparing to spring.

A split second later and she was nearly concussed by a wagon wheel.

"Oh goodness, I'm so sorry, I didn't see you there!"

Applejack stared upwards, slack-jawed and wide-eyed, as the biggest pony she'd ever laid eyes on reached a hoof down to help her up. He had a dappled gray coat and a closely cropped mane, a cutie mark shaped like an airplane with a tow rope, and what appeared to be an entire wagon hoisted casually over his shoulders.

"You... you're Luscombe Nordram," she gasped.

"Oh darn, I guess my reputation proceeds me," chuckled Luscombe, gently brushing dust off Applejack's withers, "are you alright there miss...?"

"Applejack," said the farmor, blushing hotly, "oh mah gosh, I never though I'd get the chance to meet you. You're the strongest pony in Equestria! Officially!"

"This'll be my third year if I can hack it," agreed the draft pony, adjusting the wagon to fit more comfortably, "and speaking of, I need to get this back to the contest so they can fill it with cinder blocks and have me hurl it through a third story window. Is there anything else I can do for you miss Applejack?"

"You can plow me like a field."

"What?"

"AHEM."

Applejack blinked, and turned to find herself face to upside down face with Soarin', who was hanging off of Big Macintosh's back looking as forlorn as possible. Big Mac made an annoyed clicking noise with his teeth and the knitting needle in his mouth. Applejack winced.

"Uh, hi there Soarin'. Mac. What brings y'all out thissaway?"

Soarin' and Big Mac just glared at her. Applejack looked down and scuffed her hoof on the floor.

"I wasn't really gonna... I mean, I knew he wouldn't... I mean..."

Soarin' and Big Mac glared.

"... Oh, _fine_, let's just go git the others."

Macintosh deposited Soarin' onto Applejack's back, and they headed off, leaving Luscombe staring after them in confusion.

"...What the buck just happened?"

* * *

"Oh my goodness, is that the new line?"

Handsel the male pony model turned to see a horrifically overweight white unicorn with a purple mane staring at him with naked, undisguised lust. This in and of itself was not unusual for Handsel, but he'd rarely run into an overweight fanpony who actually knew what they were talking about. Nopony had seen the new summer saddle line yet.

"What, this old thing?" he said dismissively, "yes."

"Oh my goodness, I knew it! I told Hoity Toity the designs were to die for and seeing them finished is so wonderful! Oh, do a twirl darling, let me see how it looks all around."

Handsel's eyes widened, but he did as he was told.

"You know Hoity Toity?"

"Oh, we haven't done a lot of REAL business together but we brainstorm now and then. My my my that does look quite fetching on you, doesn't it? Especially with that short tail look that's so in this year."

Handsel grinned. This fat pony knew what she was talking about!

"Oh I know, right? Let me tell you, I am _loving_ this breeze!"

"Mmmm, yes, and it accents your... backside so well... everything is... completely visible..."

Handsel stopped pirrouetting, and then let out a small squeak as the unicorn began running her hoof over his haunch.

"You know... I'm sure that it gets rather boring being stuck in a big room with all these other stallions around... a fine figure of a pony like yourself must be starving for some... female attention...?"

He daintily stepped away, doing the best he could to keep the disgust off his face. And what WAS that smell?

"Uh, sorry dear. You're nice and all, and certainly any friend of Hoity Toity is a friend of mine, but, ah, how do I put this delicately? I'm not really into heavier mares. I hope you understand."

The unicorn's face contorted in shock.

"He... heavy?"

"Oh now don't take it the wrong way," said Handsel, holding out a hoof pleadingly, "I'm sure some ponies are into that, but I mean let's be honest dear I can't even see your ribs. And your legs don't look anything like too thin to support your weight, why I'd almost describe them as healthy! No no, please, I'm flattered, but I'm no chubby chaser. Nothing personal."

The unicorn gaped at him, eyes wet with tears. Handsel was looking for an escape route when he felt a sudden source of heat at his back.

_"Chubby?"_

Handsel turned slowly to find himself staring at some kind of disgusting little purple and green lizard. The model gasped in horror.

"Oh my gosh! What is that!"

"Nobody calls Rarity chubby if I have anything to say about it!"

"Oh goodness, Spike, no! Don't hurt him! He's a MODEL!"

**"VENGEANCE!"**

"Aaaaaiiiieeeee!"

* * *

One corner of the vast hall was somewhat quieter than the others, replacing the grunts and metallic noises of exercise equipment with the quiet rustle of paper. An older unicorn with a wild mane and dark circles under his eyes was deep in conversation with several other ponies, each of them carrying saddlebags stuffed with books and occasionally pulling them out and referring to them as they spoke. The unicorn blinked suddenly, and looked down to find another unicorn, much younger, purple, and female, lying on the floor beside him, staring upwards in glee. Somepony had tied her up.

"Wha..."

"Oh my gosh, you're Neigh Gaiman! Oh, I'm a huge fan! I just wanted you to know your work was a huge inspiration for me, especially _Equestrian Gods_! Oh, but I loved _Sandmare_ too, I have all the book collections! Oh wow, I can't believe I'm actually getting to meet you, this is so amazing!"

"Uh... thank you," said Neigh, glancing around quizzically, "that's very nice of you young filly... but ah, I have to ask... why are you tied up?"

"Oh this? Oh don't worry about that, it's just so I won't hurt myself. Although, if you were really worried about me I suppose it would be okay if you untied me..."

"Alright, I don't understand what's going on, but I'm not just going to leave you on the floor. Here..."

"Oh, but before you do, could you maybe drag me over to that secluded corner over there?"

"That one over there, where we would theoretically be out of sight of all the other stallions in attendance?"

"Mmmmm, yes, right over there, where you could conceivably do absolutely anything that you wanted to me," said Twilight softly, snuggling against Neigh's fetlocks, "...any... thing... you... want."

Neigh looked down at her for a long moment, and then glanced up at one of his companions.

"With Celestia as my witness Prancechett, I have no idea what I should do."

"Well hell, Gaiman, she's a spunky thing isn't she? I say go for it."

"THERE you are!" said a third voice with the same accent. The Doctor stepped over and glared down at a now furiously blushing Twilight. "And just what do you have to say for yourself, young filly?"

"I guess I'm just a sucker for a pony who knows how to deconstruct classical mythology for a modern audience?"

The Doctor continued to glare.

"... I'll be good."

"Good. Now come along Twilight, we have to find the others before disaster strikes!"

He trotted off, leaving Twilight to watch him go, then shrug helplessly at the author ponies. After a moment the Doctor returned and carefully picked her back up and settled her over his back.

"... okay, _now_ come along."

They set off. Neigh Gaiman watched them go with an utterly flabbergasted expression.

"Well, I know what my next book is about," said Prancechett.

* * *

Lance the mareathon flyer was in the process of limbering up when he heard a small, almost imperceptible squeak behind him. Glancing about, he saw a yellow pegasus with a pink mane smiling at him. There was something otherworldly about that smile. Lance had never seen an expression simultaneously so serene and so frightening.

Every fiber of his being told him to flee, but he found that somehow he could not. His hooves felt like lead, his wings were limp and useless. He was powerless in the face of her gaze.

"Oh my goodness," the pegasus said with a warm smile, "and just what is your line of work, sir? Are you an athlete?"

"Uh... yes..." said Lance, starting to sweat, "mareathon flier, actually."

"Oh really," said the pegasus, licking her lips, "a mareathon is a very LONG race, isn't it?"

"Yes?" he answered, wondering why the room suddenly felt so warm. "Over twenty-six miles, in fact."

"Oh ho ho ho," giggled the pegasus as she slunk closer to him, stroking her wing gently against his haunch. Lance's wings immediately popped open of their own accord. "You must have quite a lot of endurance," she purred, "why, I'll bet you could keep on going and going and going..."

"Well, a mareathon does usually take a few hours."

"Hours!" she squealed, stepping in front of Lance. Her tail rose. Lance's eyes bulged. "That's quite a coincidence, because that's exactly how long I'd like you to-"

"Aw come on now girl, this ain't like you in the least."

Fluttershy startled, and turned to see Applejack, Big Mac, and Soarin' all watching her with disappointed expressions on their faces. The yellow pegasus pouted, wrapping her tail around Lance's neck.

"No! You can't stop me! I need this! HE'S GOING TO **LOVE** **ME**."

"Please Fluttershy," said Applejack, "I know exactly what you're goin' through right now, believe me. But all we gotta do is get through this here convention, find the Princess, and then we can use the Elements o' Harmony and get some dang relief! Now tell me that don't sound better than molestin' a whole palace full o' stallions."

Fluttershy appeared to think about this.

"Um... it... it really doesn't, actually."

Applejack sighed.

"I didn't wanna do this, you know."

"What are you-"

Big Macintosh came up from behind Fluttershy all of a sudden, and before she knew what was going on she was lying on her back with all of her hooves tied together. She blinked up at the big pony in shock.

"Big Mac! You... you tied me up!"

"Eeyup. Which is startin' to be a disturbingly common ocurence around here."

Fluttershy's eyelids drooped, and her smile turned even more syrupy than it had been before.

"If I'd known you liked this sort of thing, I would have asked you to do it a long time ago."

Big Mac twitched. Even his legendary self control was being stretched thin.

"Don't let her get to ya bro! We're almost in the home stretch! Just grab her and let's go! We gotta find the others!"

"...Eeeeyup."

Somehow, he was never entirely sure how, Big Mac managed to haul the squirming and moaning bundle of Fluttershy up onto his back and followed his sister as she cantered away. Left behind, Lance simply sat and stared straight ahead. He still couldn't move. And if he stood up everypony would be able to see his stallionhood hanging out anyway.

* * *

In the grand kitchens beneath Canterlot castle, another group of studly stallions gathered. Standing among them, his spotless white flanks and fabulous velvet cloak glistening in the firelight from the ovens, Chairstallion Kaga presided over a flour-stained court of passion and chocolate chips.

"My ponies!" he announced, "on today's special edition of 'Iron Baker', our theme ingredient shall be... pomegranate! BEGIN!"

The bakers leaped to their stations, and Kaga consumed a cupcake with unnatural gusto. When he reached for another, however, he discovered it was no longer there. In it's place was a pink pony who was beaming up at him in something approaching awe.

"... can I help you miss?"

"Oooohhhh yess Chairstallion Kaga!" she squealed, "I am in such a dilemma! I have a pink muffin that so badly needs some of your special frosting! Oh, you will give it to me, won't you? Please say you will!"

Kaga raised an eyebrow.

"Are you coming on to me, miss?"

"Oh, no no no no! That's what I want YOU to do to ME!"

"This is highly irregular..."

Pinkie Pie leaned in and rubbed her soft mane against Kaga's coat, blinking her big baby blues and whimpering plaintively.

"Please Chairstallion Kaga? You wouldn't leave a mare in distress, would you?"

"...err..."

"And _you_," said Rarity, appearing as if by magic directly behind Pinkie Pie, "would not leave a _stallion_ in distress, would you?"

Pinkie blinked.

"Wat."

"I seem to recall you being very upset about a certain pony being abducted not too long ago," said Rarity, "a certain pony who had already done quite a bit for your... _distress_. I wonder what he would say now if he could see you like this, just forgetting him for the first pony with a nice flank that came along."

Pinkie's eyes widened, and she immediately looked downcast.

"Oh. Braeburn. Right."

"I'd imagine he's somewhere in this castle," said Rarity, "if I were you, and I were really worried about the poor thing, I would be meeting up with the others and finding Princess Celestia so we can get all of this sorted out."

"You're... you're right Rarity. Thanks, you're a really good friend."

"Oh, no need to thank me," said Rarity, patting Pinkie on the shoulder, "just head upstairs. I think I saw Twilight and Applejack over by the stage, you can't miss them."

"Right! I'm on it!"

Pinkie took off. Rarity watched her go, and then turned to Kaga.

"And now that SHE'S gone, perhaps you would be interested in a real mare, hmm?"

Spike hopped onto the fashionista's back and frowned.

"... Eeerrr, nevermind."

* * *

"Your majesty, we've located them! We think they're trying to get through the convention and make it to the halls that lead to the castle's upper tiers!"

"Excellent!" neighed Celestia, "Twilight must have figured something out! Oh, quickly, intercept them! Let them know I'm here to help!"

"Uh, certainly your majesty... but... um..." The guard rubbed his forelegs together nervously.

Celestia blinked in confusion.

"What, what's the matter?"

"Could you please let me go."

Celestia looked down to see her own foreleg curled around the guard's body and pulling him tightly against her. Blushing slightly, she carefully removed the appendage and then took several steps away from him.

"...Sorry."

"Don't mention it."

* * *

Rarity, with Spike clinging angrily to her back, ran up to the other ponies standing in a small group next to the large stage that had been set up for the convention. The Doctor let out a sigh of relief as she arrived.

"Ah, good, we're all here. I was really starting to worry there! Now, have all of the previously gathered Elements of Harmony been collected?"

"Well, I've got Rarity," said Spike a little smugly, "and there's Twilight, Applejack, Pinkie Pie, and... is that Fluttershy trussed up like a turkey on your back?"

"Eeyup," said Big Macintosh. The big pony abruptly bit his knitting needle in half as Fluttershy started nuzzling his neck from behind.

"Oh look," said Twilight from atop the Doctor, "guards."

"What!" gasped Applejack. Sure enough, a number of blue mohawk helmets were moving through the crowd slowly but steadily towards them. "Aw no, we gotta get outta here!"

"Wait, why would we try to get away from them?" asked Spike, "We're trying to find the Princess aren't we? They'll recognize Twilight and take us right to her!"

"That would be a _wonderful_ plan," said the Doctor, "If Twilight was not currently tied up and draped over my back as if I were kidnapping her."

"No!" wailed Pinkie, "I'm not going back to jail!"

"Hey," said Soarin', "What's that noise?"

It started with a crack, like thunder breaking over the Thunder Plains of Sliepner's Ride (now a national park, enjoy camping and hiking on the many scenic trials). Then it turned into a massive boom, as every window in Canterlot seemed to shake, and everything not bolted to the floor trembled and clattered. Light of every color shone through the glass windows and danced all over the shocked patrons of the convention. Concerned murmuring, shouts, whispers and even a few "Booyahs!" echoed across the Great Hall.

"By Celestia's mane," gasped Rarity.

"By Nightmare Moon's naughty leather catalogue!" Swore Pinkie Pie, "With leather accessories!"

"That was a Sonic Rainboom, no doubt about it!" Twilight gasped. "What is Rainbow Dash doing?"

"I think a more pertinent question is what is _Fluttershy_ doing," the Doctor said, pointing his hoof at the stage. Twilight looked at the stage, and then back at where she was supposed to be. She glared.

"Big Mac!" She hissed.

"Sorry," the big stallion said. "She uh, slipped..."

_"Slipped?"_ Twilight hissed. The convention hall was soon filled with feedback from the microphone on the stage as Fluttershy tapped it.

**_"Oh, um, is this thing on?"_ **Fluttershy asked. **_"Oh, well isn't that simply wonderful. Hello everypony, I just wanted to ask all of you if maybe you wouldn't mind rutting me until I can't see straight anymore? I mean if that's alright with all of you that is."_**

Her infamous Stare connected with multiple members of the audience. Glazed looks broke out on most of the stallions. Twilight and her friends backed away as the crowd began to advance.

"Flutter... Shy?" Asked one nerdy stallion. "The ultra hot model?"

"The Holder of the Element of Kindness?" An athletic pony gasped.

"That hot, willing mare?" Another said.

**"YES MA'AM!"** Rang out through the hall.

"Now would you look at that?" said Rarity, gesturing up at the stage, "You see how she did that? Why can't I do that? I'm the one who should have stallions eating out of my hooves and offering to cater to my every physical need! How does she _do_ that?"

"You want to be rutted by about a _thousand_ stallions?" balked Applejack.

"Right now? Yes!"

Spike buried his face in his palms, and the Doctor comfortingly patted his scaly shoulder. Twilight tried to as well, but she was tied up at the moment.

"... at once?" whimpered Pinkie Pie.

Rarity's eyes widened as the crowd's advance started to turn frantic and ugly.

"... oops."

"Fluttershy," Big Mac rumbled as he glared up at the stage, "you done goofed."

_"RUN AWAY!"_ The Doctor, Twilight and Spike yelled. The entire party galloped, only pausing long enough to grab Fluttershy as the convention crowd turned into an all out stampede.

* * *

_Once again, a huge thank you to Friendly Uncle and The Erosennin for their massive, throbbing help on this story, and this chapter in particular. More to come, stay tuned!_

_Now surely that is **some** kind of innuendo..._


	10. Chapter 10

**Beating the Heat**

**or**

**Friendship is Kinky**

_**A My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction**_

**By Andrew J. Talon**

**DISCLAIMER:This is a non-profit fan-made work of prose. My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic is the property of Hasbro. Please support the official release.**

**Author's Note: I... REGRET... NOTHING!**

**And once again I must thank my excellent co-writer Friendly Uncle for his continuing contributions to this fic. Go read his stuff!**

**After reading mine first, eheh...**

* * *

Prince Blueblood was cantering as best he could through downtown Canterlot, looking exceedingly cross. His eyes were narrowed, his mane was a mess, his teeth were grinding, and the few ponies unlucky enough to get in his path were treated to both his disgusted muttering and a healthy glare.

"Those lousy rotten... When I get my hooves on their common flanks and their common, sleek coats oh, they shall rue it! Rue, rue, rue!" He snarled. "Especially that yellow one, she will pay for daring to desecrate one of the great gifts to marekind"

He allowed himself a dark grin.

"Well... After she makes up for it with a little _more_ desecration..." He stopped entirely just outside the palace gates, and allowed his grin to become a tad creepier.

"Yes, and the purple one too... Yes, you two, desecrate it, desecrate my magnificence, heheheheh..."

The Prince was abruptly knocked out of his musings by a pegasus shaped mass knocking him over.

"OOF! Why-How dare you!" Blueblood growled, getting back onto his hooves. He glared at his attacker, a gray furred pegasus with blonde hair and a mail bag across her shoulder. She was rubbing her head with a little wince. "Do you know who I am, you common piece of flying trash?"

The pegasus opened her eyes, and Blueblood reared back. She was wall eyed, and smiling at him, which simultaneously made him think she was adorable and sent a rush of heat into his loins.

These things confused and horrified the young prince at the same time.

"Hmmm... Nope!" The pegasus said cheerfully. "Do you know who I am?" She bounced up and down happily.

"What? No! Why should I?" Blueblood growled.

"Well you really should," the pegasus said with a nod. Blueblood snorted. He would have cast away the young pegasus, maybe even called the guards to deal with her but at the moment his mind was filled with images of her tight, round flanks moving up and down.

"Fine, who are you?" Blueblood asked flatly.

"A random cameo!" She said cheerfully. She rubbed her chin with a frown. "No, wait, the other thing... Derpy! Derpy Hooves, that's me!" She saluted him with her hoof. "Mail pony, at your service!"

"My service, huh?" Blueblood asked, his hoof pressed against his chin thoughtfully. "Well, as loathe as I am to debase myself, at the moment all I can think about is your delicious, firm flanks bouncing up and down."

"... Should I stop?" Derpy asked.

"Of course not!" Blueblood growled.

"Should I be concerned? Because I think I should be concerned," Derpy replied. Blueblood grinned at her.

"Perhaps you should... Yesss..."

"Um... I'm feeling very uncomfortable right now," Derpy said, scooting away. Blueblood advanced on her. "Extremely uncomfortable." She worried her lower lip with her teeth.

"Come now, surely even a pony as simple minded as you can appreciate what an opportunity this is for you?" Blueblood asked with a growl. "Am I not... Magnificent?"

"Are you? I can never tell," Derpy said, rubbing her head and frowning. "What's that thing I was supposed to do...?"

"Lay back and think of Trottingham, my delicious mare morsel," Blueblood suggested with a lecherous smile. He pounced, but Derpy deftly rolled out of the way and the only mouthful Blueblood got was of dirt. "PFFT!"

"No, no, that wasn't it," Derpy hummed, rubbing her head with both hooves now. "What was it...?"

Blueblood stood up and growled. Just as he was about to try to pounce again, there was a loud sonic boom. A rainbow colored shockwave exploded above them, expanding across the heavens and leaving a clear sunny sky in it's wake. A great rumbling was soon felt, and both ponies' eyes widened.

Blueblood's in fear, and Derpy's in realization.

"Oh! That's right! I was supposed to fly!" Derpy said happily. She flapped her wings and left the ground, just as hundreds of stallions crashed through the palace gates, snorting and bellowing.

"OH AUNTIE NO!" Blueblood cried as he was trampled by dozens of hooves. Derpy watched this with some concern, before checking her watch.

"Back to work then!" She said cheerfully as she flew off.

A pair of ponies watched this from the shadows of the palace. They weren't trying to hide, they just needed to enter it through a shady section of the wall. One observed it with a raise of his elegant eyebrow.

"Hm... That's unusual," he commented. The other pony was heavily burdened by crates and cases and groaned.

"Ohh... Why couldn't I have gotten a wagon for this...?"

"Because it would have attracted too much attention, and as dull witted as you ponies are even you can see when things are out of the ordinary," he sniffed. "Now, let's get inside and get ready!"

"Nngh... Still better than birthday parties," the other pony muttered as they entered via a secret door.

* * *

They were running, running for their lives from the rampaging hordes of horny stallions. Down the hallways of the palace, past beautiful paintings, past gorgeous statues, past fountains and relics of thousands of years of history. As fast as they could to save themselves.

"YEE HAA!" The Doctor cheered, a wide grin on his face. Twilight had undone her bindings and was now running next to him. A little bit behind him, riding atop Rarity, Spike shot the Doctor an incredulous glare.

"ARE YOU ENJOYING YOURSELF?" Spike demanded loudly.

"Well, running for my life with friends and companions from danger is second nature to me!" The Doctor replied cheerfully. "It's familiar territory, you might say!"

"I think I know how you feel! Haa!" Twilight panted next to him. "Ever since I got to Ponyville! Haa!"

"Always something new to fix-" The Doctor began.

"Some new disaster," Twilight sighed.

"I feel a bit like the maid. Can't they keep things neat and orderly-"

"For just five minutes?" Twilight finished with a smile. The Doctor smiled back.

"Exactly!" The Doctor said. "Though I think it's a lot more fun."

"Ugh, you two are just disgusting," Spike grumbled.

"I think it's romantic," Rarity said. "Though I'd appreciate that far more if we weren't being pursued by a thousand horny stallions!"

"Me too!" Pinkie Pie cried.

The hallway ended in a large, round room with several doors around it's circumference. The Doctor pulled out his screwdriver and galloped to one. He applied his buzzed screwdriver to the lock, and grimaced as he looked at the others.

"Sonic resistant," he said sadly. "I think they remembered that from the last time I was here."

"Twilight! You've got to do something!" Spike cried. "Blast open the doors!"

"Okay, here goes!" Twilight shouted. Her horn glowed with raw magical power, and she took aim. "YAH!" The blast left her horn, struck the door... And absorbed it quite neatly. Twilight Sparkle's eyes widened, and she looked back at the party.

"Uh..."

"I think we're in trouble," Fluttershy said quietly. She looked down at the floor miserably. "I'm sorry."

"Maybe we could throw Fluttershy to them so she could buy time for us to escape!" Pinkie Pie suggested.

"What? No! Pinkie Pie, how could you even think that?" Rarity demanded. Pinkie Pie shrugged.

"Well, she didn't seem to mind the idea..."

"I do now! Although," Fluttershy said, grinning vapidly. "It is something I've imagined..."

Twilight smacked Fluttershy across the face with her magic. The butter yellow pegasus gaped at her friend in disbelief.

"Get a hold of yourself, mare!" Twilight cried. Fluttershy shook her head free of distraction, and nodded.

"You're right! You're right! I've doomed us, I'm so sorry!"

"It's okay, Fluttershy," Twilight said with a sigh and stroke to her cheek. "It's all right, we'll figure something out-"

"THERE THEY ARE!" Bellowed hundreds of voices. The entire party looked and saw the stallion hordes coming through the door.

"Meep," Fluttershy managed.

"I DON'T WANT TO DIE TIED TO THE TOP OF A MARE BEING HUMPED TO DEATH!" Soarin' cried. "I'D MUCH RATHER DIE WHILE HUMPING HER!"

"S-SOARIN'!" Applejack cried, blushing hotly. Big Macintosh shot the pegasus a glare.

"Spike, run!" said Rarity, bending down so he could slide off of her back, "Save yourself!"

"No!" Spike held on tighter. "I'll never leave you Rarity! I'll go down fighting to save you if I have to!"

"That's very sweet," said Rarity, shaking her hindquarters to try and throw the little dragon off, "but you have to go Spike! Tell my family I died bravely! And not what I actually died doing, Sweetie Belle's not old enough for that."

"I'm sorry we got you into this Big Mac," said Fluttershy, nuzzling his side. "If only there was... some way... I could... make it up to-"

"Land's sake girl! Can't you get a grip for one minute!"

"I'm sorry!"

"Here!" said Pinkie Pie, presenting Macintosh with a bottle of lubricant, "this might help a little."

She proceeded to hoof out similar bottles to everybody in attendance.

"... oh, uh, thank you," said the Doctor.

"Where did these come from?" asked Twilight.

"I believe in being _very_ prepared," said Pinkie Pie with absolute seriousness.

All at once, the room was filled with light. Twilight shielded her eyes until it died down, and lowered her hoof in shock.

"Princess Celestia!" She cried. The white coated sun goddess looked over her shoulder, her wings spread wide and tall.

"Get the Elements of Harmony, Twilight, and save Equestria," she said gravely. "I will hold them off."

Twilight gasped in horror.

"Pr-Princess, you can't!"

"Of course I can! And I must! In order to save you-nay, ALL of Equestria!" Celestia thundered dramatically. Twilight felt tears come to her eyes as she gazed upon her wonderful mentor.

"No Princess, even you can't handle that many stallions at once!"

The determined expression on Celestia's face changed slowly. Her mouth curved into a smile, her eyes narrowed slightly, and her tongue ran across her teeth. It took everypony a moment to recognize the expression as it had never been on Celestia's face before: A seductive leer.

"Watch me! ...no seriously, watch me, I really get off on that."

"What," Twilight and Spike expressed flatly. Celestia blushed demurely, and shrugged.

"A princess has got her needs," she said. Her horn glowed briefly, and every door opened up simultaneously. "All these paths lead to the same place. Split up, it'll maximise your chances." She turned back to the hordes of stallions, who were torn between fear and deference to their princess, and lust.

"Go!" Celestia said again.

"I'll never forget this, Princess!" Twilight cried. She turned. "Doctor, let's-"

"Geronimo!" The Doctor cried as he was already running down one hallway.

"DOCTOR GET BACK HERE!" Twilight snarled, charging after him.

"Git while the gettin's good!" Applejack shouted, charging off with Soarin' on her back.

"Eeyup," was Big Mac's succinct reply as he barreled down another hallway, Fluttershy bouncing up and down on top of him.

"AH! HEY! CAN'T YOU UNTIE MEEE?" Soarin' could be heard yelling as they fairly flew down the hallway.

"Come Spike! Let's go!" Rarity shouted, charging down another. Pinkie Pie looked at all of the hallways, and covered her eyes with her hoof.

"Eenie meeny-"

"If you're looking for Braeburn, I suggest taking that one," Celestia said, pointing at one particular door.

"MINEY!" Pinkie Pie cried, zipping down it like a bolt of lightning.

Celestia smiled, shut all the doors behind her, and looked back at her afflicted subjects.

"I'd just like you all to know, my beloved subjects," she said, "that I will not abandon you in your time of need." She then grinned cheerfully.

"Now, would you like to do this six at a time, or would you like to paint me _white_ first?"

"Uh, but your majesty, you're already white," one stallion pointed out. Celestia snorted.

"Details..."

* * *

Like a streak of light cut from the very heart of a rainbow, a comet dove for the roof of Canterlot's keep. The comet broke apart in five distinct streaks of light, which, as they shed momentum, soon became five distinct ponies.

Rainbow Dash hit first, bouncing bonelessly across the rooftop. She rolled like a ragdoll, her legs and wings flopping around, until she came to a stop. Her tightly shut lids slowly opened, revealing dull eyes that were pointed in opposite directions.

She smiled almost drunkenly.

"... Wow," she giggled. "Wow... Wow... Golly gee wow." Rainbow Dash giggled again. Four impacts rocked the roof. She lifted her head up to get a good look, and tried to shift her weight around. Unfortunately, her legs didn't seem to be cooperating, so instead she rolled herself over with her wings.

"Haa...? Guys...?" She called as she saw the forms of the four guards nearby, all sprawled across the roof in various poses. She grew concerned. "Guys? You okay?"

"Uhhh," Captain Galland groaned. Dash gritted her teeth and flapped her wings hard. She managed a low hover, and got herself over to the downed captain. She flopped next to him, her chin resting on his neck.

"Captain... You all right?" Rainbow Dash asked.

"Oh... Miss Dash," he managed. "Haa... Still alive?"

"Yep," Dash reported. "You?"

"Give me a second..." Galland closed his eyes. "... Yep, still alive."

"Wow... That last maneuver..." Her eyes went glassy. "So... Great..."

"Glad... You enjoyed it, Miss Dash," the captain managed.

"You enjoy it?" She asked.

"Yep," the captain said.

"I can die happy," Mustang gasped.

"Can't feel... Anything," Zero groaned.

"I agree with them," Thatch managed, his voice muffled by the rooftop tarmac.

"Good, good... It was great for me too," Dash sighed happily. The Captain smiled.

"... Can we do it again?" She asked.

The captain's eyes bugged out, as did those of his subordinates. Galland then snickered. The snicker grew into a laugh. The laugh became an all out guffaw.

"Heheheheh... Hahahaahahaha... BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

Rainbow Dash blinked owlishly at their laughter, as the rest of the guards joined in. All of them cackling and gasping for air in between chuckles. Galland found the strength to wipe his eyes free of tears and looked up at the now scowling mare.

"Heheheheh... Hahaha... Good one, ahahahaha...!"

"I wasn't kidding," Dash said, quite seriously.

"Haha... Ha... Huh?" Galland stared at her, as did the rest of the guards. Dash scowled at them.

"I'm still in severe heat."

"Oh Celestia's flanks," groaned Mustang.

"I said I wanted to die while doing a girl at supersonic speeds, I never actually meant it," Zero moaned.

"Mommy," Thatch whimpered.

Galland looked to his exhausted troops, and back to Rainbow Dash.

"Sorry Miss Dash... Seems we're... Spent."

"Come on! One more round, you can do it!" She glared at them. "What kind of stallions are you? One little supersonic orgasm after several hours of mating me wall eyed and you can't keep going! I can't believe it!"

Galland glared up at her. "Actin' a little high and mighty for a mare who can't move her legs, miss!"

"I'm the one still in heat, it's _your_ problem!" Dash growled. "Now what I am I supposed to do?"

"Mares?" Suggested Mustang. At his comrades' looks he scowled. "What?"

"What is important is that Princess Celestia said you were the best, that you never give up! And here you're giving up! I demand satisfaction!" Dash growled.

Galland stared at Rainbow Dash very intensely. "Miss Dash... We have done everything in our power to satisfy you. If you're still not satisfied, then we just have to try something else."

"You'd better!" Dash growled.

"ZERO! MUSTANG!" Galland barked in his command voice. Despite their fatigue, the two guards got to their hooves. "Hold her down."

"Ah? What?" Dash gasped. The soldiers shrugged and limped over to her. They took her by her shoulders and dragged her onto her stomach. She flapped her wings a few times, but they pushed her down with their own. Despite her bluster, after everything that had happened Dash was far too tired to push them off.

"Thatch? The riding crop," Galland ordered. Rainbow Dash's eyes widened as Thatch slowly trotted over to his captain, pulled out the requested item, and hoofed it to Galland. Galland examined it briefly, before trotting over behind Rainbow Dash.

"Ah, hey, no! Hang on, what are you doing?" Dash gasped.

"What any good leader does, Miss Dash," Galland said quite reasonably. "Adapt and improvise. Now, please recall just how bad of a girl you are." He grinned around the riding crop, before he brought it down on her flank with a harsh swat.

* * *

"My goodness," said Rarity as she ambled down the hallway, her eyes wide and taking in the opulence around her. "The princess certainly does know how to decorate. Those tapestries are breathtaking. And this carpet is simply delightful to tread upon."

"Uh, shouldn't we be hurrying?" Spike asked nervously from atop the unicorn's back. "I mean, Princess Celestia is single-hoofedly holding off about a thousand lust-crazed stallions so we can find the Elements of Harmony and save everyone, right?"

"I think we can give her a few minutes," Rarity said dryly, "Oh, look, sconces!"

"Sconces," Spike said with a sigh. "Right." He looked down the hallway and sniffed, hoping to get some clue as to what lay ahead.

"Oh don't be like that darling," Rarity giggled, "how am I to help myself when surrounded by such beauty? Oh the style, the glamor! It inspires me."

She turned her head to smile slyly at the little dragon and give him an exaggerated wink.

"How about you, Spike? Are you feeling... _inspired_?"

Spike felt his cheeks heat up and his heart flutter as it always did around Rarity... But he crossed his arms over his chest, turned away and huffed.

"No, I feel sick," he grumbled. He hopped off her back and scowled intently at the wall.

Rarity's face fell and she stopped walking, reaching a hoof out plaintively towards him.

"What? Why whatever is the matter dear?" She frowned. " Are you upset with me, Spikey-Wikey?"

"Don't Spikey-Wikey me!" Spike harrumphed. "And I'm not upset! I'm just... Glaring at the wall, it offends me! Stupid wall." He kicked it. "And this tapesty!" He yanked it down and tore it in half, casting the pieces into the air. "And this...!" He stared at an abstract sculpture sitting on a pedestal. He tilted his head curiously, then shook it and growled.

"... Whatever it is, it offends me too!" He spat a fireball at it, and the sculpture was blasted off, smashing into a million pieces on the floor. "And these stupid pieces! Rawr!"

Spike pounded his feet into the pieces, kicking and crushing them until they were dust. He took deep breaths, glaring hatefully at the wreckage.

"Spike!" cried Rarity, aghast. "My goodness what's gotten into you! Surely Twilight's taught you better than to take out your anger on innocent works of art!" She used her magic to try and put the two piece of the tapestry back together, to no avail.

"Innocent nothing! Running Hot the Second was a terrible artist! She was a snob who thought just because she could knit ponies upside-down on her tapestries it was somehow innovative!" Spike growled. "It's NOT!"

Rarity let the pieces of the tapestry flutter to the floor and turned to the little dragon, smiling sadly.

"You're right Spike, it was a rather uninspired composition, wasn't it?" She took a few steps closer until she was standing just behind him, coming short of leaning her head on his shoulder.

"...but I don't think that's what's really bothering you, is it? You can tell me Spike. I know this day has been rather hard on all of us. And probably harder on you than you're letting on."

"It's fine," Spike grumbled, "just fine... At least I'm helping save the world this time, right? I mean, when Twilight goes off she only wants me if I can be a spare Rainbow Dash. The Doctor just taps me and off we go, running around, trying to keep you safe with Big... Mac's help..." Spike tapped his claws on his shoulders furiously, the sound filling the quiet hallway.

Rarity looked at the floor, scuffing her hoof sheepishly on the carpet.

"You have been a big help Spike," she said, "the rest of us have been... very... _distracted_ today. But you've been doing the best you can to keep us in line." She inched closer, her mouth barely an inch from his ear. "I'm very grateful."

"Geh!" Spike jumped back, bumping into her. He spun around and glared at her. "Quit that!"

"Oh, oh dear." Rarity reared back and took a few steps away from him, looking the other way. "Oh I'm so sorry! I just have such a hard time controlling myself! Here you are all doing the best you can to help us and here I am just throwing myself at you." Tears sprang up in her eyes as she put a hoof to her forehead.

"Oh, and forcing myself on poor Macintosh! I'm such a horribly lewd pony! You must think so badly of me!"

"I... Oh Rarity, please don't cry," said Spike, holding her hoof earnestly.

_ All right, I can do this. Just don't look in her eyes, don't look in her eyes, don't-Aw crap!_

"Please don't, you're too beautiful to ever have to cry," Spike said.

_No! NO! Stop it! Stop that right now!_ He felt his will melting away like an ice cube in his fiery breath as he stared into her gorgeous blue eyes.

"Oh Spike," Rarity breathed, stroking her hoof through the fringe of scales on his head, "you're such a gentleman. Being so nice to me after I've dragged a dear friend kicking and screaming into my boudoir to have my way with him against his will! Mostly against his will. ...well, okay, he was pretty willing towards the end there, but it was still extremely impolite."

And suddenly Spike could remove his gaze from her eyes and his claws from her hoof and return to glaring at the wall.

"Oh. No. It's fine," he ground out, like pebbles of granite being scraped together between bricks. "He did what he had to do... Not like I could have done anything." He kicked the wall again, and again. "I'm only crying a little because the dust from that stupid statue got in my eyes! They're very sensitive! I read too much, Twilight is a horrible speller and I have to proofread!"

The wall cracked all the way up to the ceiling from one of his kicks, and he stared at it dumbly. He coughed and looked down.

"Sorry..."

"Spike..." Rarity paused, and then took a deep breath. "You... you do realize... well you're rather _young_ to be talking about... helping me." She coughed. "As in so young I could go to prison for letting you help me. Prison Spike! They make you wear orange in prison. I can't do that! It clashes!"

"I know! I KNOW!" Spike growled, giving the carpet a good kick this time. He sighed and unclenched his clawed hands. He took a deep breath, and closed his eyes as he made his quiet confession.

"... I just don't like it, and there's nothing I can do about it."

"You can be patient," Rarity said very quietly. "You won't be young forever."

"I... Really?" Spike asked as he looked over his shoulder with a squeak in his voice. He coughed and cleared his throat, before looking back at the wall. He then slowly looked back over his shoulder, raising an eyebrow.

"Really? What about Big Macintosh?" He asked, in a much deeper voice. So deep he coughed again, and quickly looked back at the wall to conceal his embarrassment.

"What? Him?" Rarity made a dismissive gesture. "Mac and I are just friends Spike. And when I lost control of myself he was just... you know, available."

Rarity's pupils dilated slightly as she raised her hooves in front of her, spreading them apart to indicate an object of considerable size.

"And he has a simply enormous..."

Spike turned around and waved his claws while he gaped in horror. "NO! No no, I-I'm fine! Don't need to hear anymore!"

Rarity blinked, and then dropped back onto her hooves, blushing hotly.

"...heart! He has a big _heart_! Is absolutely what I was actually going to say. ...just like yours."

"Well... Thanks Rarity," said Spike, as he took her hoof and kissed it. He smiled up at her. "You... You're the kind of girl someone is willing to not be jealous over." He groaned and covered his face. "I'm sorry, that was stupid..."

"No, it's very sweet," said Rarity, hooking an arm around Spike's shoulder and hugging him gently. "You're being very mature about this Spike. ...aside from the tapestry, but it was pretty tacky anyway."

"Yeah, I think I still have some issues from when Twilight was trying to make me cultured," Spike admitted. "She'd take me to the art museum and insist I take the audio tour..." His pupils dilated and he developed a thousand foot long stare. "Every. Single. _Time_."

"Oh dear," muttered Rarity, patting him comfortingly on the back. "Let's get you away from all this culture then, before you have another flashback."

"The Neo-Romanticists... The Impressionists... Their eternal duel, I was there," Spike muttered, shaking all over. "The horror... The horror..."

"Spike? Spike!" Rarity shook him gently. "Stay with me Spike! It's going to be alright, do you hear me? You're going to be alright!"

"Reinoir... You're a errand boy, sent by porcelain clerks, to collect a bill in watercolors," Spike continued, his eyes haunted. "No... No... _NOOOOO!"_

He fell over, face in the tacky carpet beneath them.

"SPIKE!" Rarity fell to the floor beside him, cradling the little dragon in her arms. "Oh what have they done to you?"

She raised her face to the sky and howled.

"You maniacs! Darn you! DARN YOU ALL TO PONY HELL!_ I don't even have my couch!"_

* * *

The Doctor had been running for a while, but even he had to take breaks. So he'd found a nice, secluded bathroom and splashed some water in his face.

"Haa... Haa... Haa... Phew!" The Doctor wiped his forehead and smiled at himself in the mirror. "Hmm... I might need the sideburns taken in a little... Or, maybe I should try longer!" He put his glasses on and hummed as he closely examined himself.

"Hmm... Nah, then I might look like a girl." He brushed himself off, and looked to the side. "ACK!"

He jumped and pulled his sonic screwdriver on a statue of a pegasus with it's eyes covered. He narrowed his eyes critically, and poked the statue a few times with his tool.

"... I'm keeping my eyes on you," he said flatly, pointing to said eyes and back to the statue with his hoof. "You're not gonna sneak up on me..." He turned around. His vision was filled with purple. "GAH!"

"You ran off without me," Twilight growled at him, as she stood upon his stomach. The Doctor looked up at the statue and sighed, before looking back at Twilight. He seemed to be trying to decide which he'd rather face.

"Well, you see, that was for a variety of reasons, not the least of which was the same reason you were running-The hordes of horny stallions and the possible total destruction of Equestria by a magically induced heat."

"It's still annoying!" Twilight growled. "I mean, what? We came all this way together and you're just flat out rejecting me and-"

"Twilight," the Doctor said, gently taking hold of her shoulders and pushing her off him. He stood up and gave her a smile. "That's the heat talking. Remember, we're here to deal with the heat with the elements-"

"Don't condescend to me!" Twilight snarled. "I mean, what, I've been throwing myself at you constantly and you haven't...!"

"Because it would be the wrong thing to do!" The Doctor insisted.

"So what, leaving me behind is the right thing?" Twilight growled.

"No, no, no! I... I don't leave people behind," the Doctor said. He sighed and looked down at the tiles of the bathroom. "They leave me."

Twilight started and blinked, anger (and hormones) temporarily forgotten. "They leave you?"

"Well, see... It's kind of complicated," the Doctor said. "You see, I've been doing this a long time, running around. I used to have ponies who would run with me..." He took a deep breath. "But... It's been so long since they did. They all go off to do other things. They find themselves, and usually that doesn't include..." He looked down at the floor. "Me."

There almost seemed to be the stirring of music in the background. Like a choir was singing the lament of a grateful world to a lonely god.

"Oh, Doctor," Twilight said with sympathy. She hugged him tightly. "I'm so sorry, I..." She blinked and looked around. "Wait... Where is that music coming from?"

The Doctor blinked himself and checked his sonic screwdriver.

"Oh, it makes that sound when it detects... " He stared at the readings. "Oh boy."

The floor dropped out from under them, and the two vanished. Twilight had the brief sensation of being squeezed into nothingness, before popping back out again into her normal form in mid air. Gravity, however, is a harsh mistress and reclaimed them both.

"AAHHH!"

The two landed on their backs on two slabs. Restraints leaped up and wrapped around their hooves. The slabs tilted upwards, slowly revealing that the two were in some kind of underground lair. The sonic screwdriver flipped neatly into a holster on a nearby table.

In front of this table, a blue coated pony with blonde hair and an hourglass cutie mark was eyeing himself in the mirror.

"Ahem... 'Welcome Doctor, to my lair!' No, no, that's entirely the wrong inflection," the pony muttered. "'Well, I wanted a doctor and here he is!' No no no, you'll just sound stupid. Um... 'Aha! Doctor! You never expected to see me again, did you? Well, did you?'"

"You know, I really didn't," the Doctor said with a smile. "Hello Master!"

"Yes yes, hello Doctor," the Master said distractedly. He dropped the mirror and turned around, his jaw wide open.

"What? Doctor? You, here, now?"

"Well, 'now' is really quite relative," the Doctor said. "You know, timey wimey-"

"ARGH! Don't bring that up!" The Master growled, pointing his hoof in the Doctor's face. "I've always hated that insipid metaphor!"

"Uh... Doctor, who is this?" Twilight Sparkle asked.

"Oh! Where are my manners. Twilight Sparkle, this is the Master. Master, this is Twilight Sparkle," the Doctor said. He looked at the restraints. "Though I'm guessing you were expecting us."

"How can you...?" A mechanical arm popped up, and placed a ring around her horn. She gritted her teeth and tried to make it glow, but nothing happened. "Haa... Oh... I see your point... I can't do magic!"

"Of course you can't!" The Master cackled. "And now, you have fallen into my trap!"

"I've gotta say, Master, you've really out done yourself on this one!" The Doctor said cheerfully. "How did you know we'd be right in that bathroom?"

"Through methods your feeble mind could not possibly comprehend, of course!" The Master boasted.

"So you lucked out then, eh? Good for you!"

"I DID NOT LUCK OUT!" The Master bellowed.

"How did you know we'd be in the bathroom?" Twilight asked. "I mean, you'd have to know exactly where we were and-"

"Totally luck," the Doctor said.

"THE MASTER DOES NOT BELIEVE IN LUCK!" The Master bellowed. Twilight sighed.

"Okay, okay, okay... Hang on. You're the Doctor, he's the Master. And you're... What?" The purple unicorn asked flatly.

"Oh. We're old school buddies!" The Doctor said cheerfully. "We used to get up to such fun on Gallopfrey!"

"Gallopfrey? Where is that?" Twilight asked. "I've never heard of it."

"It's because it's long gone. The realm of the Time Lords!" The Master cried. "And now gone forever! Extinguished! Spoken of only in song and legend and-"

"Yeah, it was kind of rubbish all things considered," the Doctor said. "I mean, I miss home a lot but I like it around here a lot more."

"WHAT? IT WAS NOT RUBBISH!" The Master growled. "I WOULD HAVE RULED OVER IT!"

"He's so ambitious. He really does go on and on about his plans," the Doctor confided. He smiled cheerfully at the Master as Twilight looked back and forth between them. "So! What's the plan this time?"

"Oh, I bet you'd love to know that, wouldn't you my dear Doctor?" The Master demanded with an evil grin. "I bet you'd love to know all about it!" He got right up in the Doctor's face, and Twilight winced as she saw spittle fly from the Master's lips.

"I bet you'd _love_ me to tell you _all_ of my plans, wouldn't you?" The Master hissed. The Doctor winced.

"Uh, mate, no offense but you are violating my personal space a little-"

"I'LL VIOLATE ANYTHING I WANT!" The Master yelled.

"Oh, great, now I know why you've been able to resist me all this time!" Twilight huffed. "You're _gay_!"

"WHAT?" The Master and the Doctor cried.

A door opened, and a familiar light blue unicorn came in, carrying a laundry basket. She huffed as she set if down on the table.

"Hey 'Master', your laundry is..." She trailed off as she took in the scene. "Woah..." She then grinned. "The Great and Powerful Trixie _like_."

The Master jumped off the Doctor and adjusted his tie. He shot Trixie an annoyed look. "Nothing happened! It wasn't what it looked like!"

"Sure didn't look like that to me," Twilight said.

"Come now Twilight, you know I'm not gay," the Doctor said, raising an eyebrow significantly. Twilight blushed.

"You could just... Um... Race on both sides of the track! I'm fine with that!" She said.

The Doctor sighed and looked over at the Master, now a bit annoyed. "He did this in school too, always so huggy. Really, this is why our double dates never worked out."

"I DON'T HUG!" The Master bellowed. "I'm not huggy, and I'm not gay!" He directed this growl at Trixie, who huffed. "Anyway... My plan is this!"

The Master pointed to a strange device and grinned. "I'm going to use this device to drain your companion of her magic and into my servant-"

"Employee," Trixie said, annoyed.

"... Employee, to increase her magical power," the Master explained. "Then I shall keep you as my prisoner! With her at my side, and you out of the way, I can conquer the universe!"

"Well, I will say this for it: It's going a lot better than most of your other plans," the Doctor said. The Master growled.

"Silence!"

Trixie trotted up to Twilight and smirked up at the purple unicorn.

"And I thought this day was going to be boring," she said. "Hello again, Twilight Sparkle!"

"Trixie? Why are you working for him? I didn't think you were outright evil!" Twilight gasped. Trixie shrugged.

"Beats birthday parties, though you can see the Great and Powerful Trixie perform from two to four at the Canterlot Foal's Hospital weekdays, and the... Ahem... 'Naughty Nag' Club on Saturdays during happy hour," Trixie mumbled that last part.

"Naughty Nag-?"

"ANYWAY!" Trixie cried. "I was working with him for a chance to get a little revenge of my own." She smirked. "When I get your powers, I'll be the most powerful magic user in Equestria!"

"But-But magic doesn't work that way!" Twilight insisted. "You can form a conduit of magic from one user to another, sure, but you can't just steal my powers! Magic is the power of life and the soul itself! You can't just steal my soul!"

"BAH! I'll still get your power!" Trixie scoffed. "So now he gets his revenge, I get my revenge, and you two suffer horribly at our hooves!" She smirked and pointed her hoof in Twilight's face. "Like you wouldn't take that kind of opportunity!"

"No, actually, I really wouldn't," Twilight replied drolly. "And besides, we're kind of in a hurry-"

"To do what, Doctor?" The Master demanded as he fiddled with some equipment. He smirked at him. "Save the world?"

"Actually yes," the Doctor said with a shrug. "It's kind of what I do." He looked over at Twilight and smiled.

"I... I'm just kind of confused," Twilight admitted. "You're not a Pony-"

"Oh, I am a Pony! Hooves and everything," the Doctor said cheerfully. "I'm just a Time Pony. Or Lord. Time Pony Lord, Lord Time Pony, that sort of thing."

"Uh huh... And you run around, saving the world and this guy is your ex-boyfriend slash arch nemesis?" Twilight summarized.

"I'M NOT HIS EX ANYTHING!" The Master snarled.

"Right, right, right..." Twilight sighed and her head bowed. "I thought this day couldn't get any weirder."

"Aw come on, it's loads of fun! This is actually kind of tame compared to my normal days," the Doctor said. "There aren't any murderous cyborgs after us now!"

Twilight scowled at him.

"Hey, wait a minute... Are you just telling me this to try and get me to stop pursuing you?"

The Doctor blinked. "What? No! I just think that you being in heat is reflecting-"

"Well it won't work!" Twilight cried.

"Oh? Heat? I wondered what that stench was," Trixie huffed. "No wonder the stallions stampeded-They were trying to get away from you."

"It's not-I mean, it's as a result of..." Twilight trailed off. She slowly looked at the Doctor. The Doctor looked back. They nodded, and turned back to their captors.

"You know Trixie," the Doctor said conversationally, "I don't really think you can handle Twilight's magic."

Twilight nodded. Trixie growled.

"What?"

"Well, I mean, her talent is magic itself," the Doctor said. "She did defeat that Ursa Minor on her own. No small feat, you know!"

"Ooh...! I can handle it just fine, thank you!" Trixie snarled. She looked over at the Master. "Master! Is the device ready yet?"

"Now now, I need to get out my Doctor Torture Kit," the Master said. "I mean, the leather straps alone... I..." He glared at Trixie's leer. "IT'S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!"

"Honestly Master, you need to work on this. You're coming across as that needy ex who just can't let go-" The Doctor began, but was interrupted by the Master once again getting in his face and screaming.

"I AM NOT! NOW SHUT UP UNTIL I'M READY TO MAKE YOU _SCREAM_!"

There was a long, terrible silence in the lair. Then Trixie burst out laughing. Twilight moaned and yanked at her restraints.

"Ohh... It's just making it worse..." She groaned. She licked her lips. "Both of them..."

"Yeah," Trixie sighed happily. She shook her head rapidly. "... I mean, uh, Master! I want my power!"

"... I'll get you your stupid magical power if you'll just shut up," the Master grumbled, trotting over to another strange machine and fiddling around with it. The Doctor smiled brightly.

"You know, that'd go a whole lot better if you-"

"NO! No! Not another word!" The Master growled. "You can't talk me out of sparing your latest companion! You can't distract me! You're absolutely helpless and at my mercy! I'VE _WON_!

He put the device on a cart and rolled it over in front of Twilight. He took out some wires, and attached them to the ring around her horn. He then placed another ring around Trixie's horn, and plugged it into the machine as well. He grinned evilly at the Doctor, and took hold of a huge lever on the device marked "on".

"Now let me enjoy it!" He hissed.

The Doctor hummed thoughtfully. He shrugged.

"All right."

"I-WHAT?" The Master barked. "I'm... I'm about to drain your companion of her magical power! I'll transfer it into my servant-"

"Employee," Trixie hissed.

"... _employee_, and then I'll be dealing with you in every single way I'm fantasized-SHUT UP!" He yelled at Trixie, who was giggling, "and then I shall become the Master of ALL! And all you can say to that is... Is... All right?"

"Well! I'm tied up, nothing I can do," the Doctor said, looking to the side. "I'm quite and absolutely useless without my sonic screwdriver, isn't that right Twilight?"

"Oh yes, I only want him for his body," Twilight said with a nod.

"But you're not useless! You must have some sort of plan!" The Master growled. "You always do!"

"Nope! Fresh out," the Doctor replied with a shrug and a smile. "Sorry mate, you caught me on a bad day."

"Unless.. You want me to transfer the unicorn's power! OF COURSE!" The Master gasped, holding his hooves to his cheeks. "You're very clever, Doctor, but I won't fall for that!"

"Oh no, I don't want you to transfer her power," the Doctor said. "I'm just kind of resigned to my fate."

"Would you move it along already! Give me my power!" Trixie complained. The Master held up his hoof with a scowl.

"No, no, I know him. He's got something planned, I know it, he always has a plan!"

"His plan is to let you make me super powerful so I'll serve you better as your ultimate employee?" Trixie asked disbelievingly. "Pretty stupid plan!"

The Master glared at Twilight angrily. "His plan! You know it, don't you? Don't you?"

"Really, I don't know what you're talking about!" Twilight said.

"You don't seem very worried that I'm about to steal away your powers and give them to your greatest rival!" The Master said suspiciously. Twilight snuck a glance at Trixie, and then huffed.

"Like _she'll_ be able to do anything with them."

Trixie gaped at her as though slapped, and snarled angrily. She grabbed the lever.

"I'll show you, you little-!"

"Wait, don't-!" The Master cried, but the lever was thrown. Twilight's horn glowed brightly, the machine whirred and beeped, and Trixie cackled as energy flowed through her horn and her eyes glowed.

"Ahahahahaha! BWAHAHAHAHAHA! I CAN FEEL IT! I CAN FEEL THE AWESOME... Power..." She trailed off and stared at the Master. The Master glared death back at her.

"You imbecile! You talentless little street performer! I am The Master! You must obey me and... And... Why are you looking at me like that?" The Master asked.

"Yes... _Yes_," Trixie moaned, her tail rising as she shook her hips like a cat. She grinned at the Master. "Insult me more! Treat me like your pack mule!"

"I do that anyway, why would I-" Trixie pounced, knocking over the machine and yanking it off of Trixie's horn. The Master's arms flailed about, as he tried to keep Trixie from shoving her tongue all the way down his throat. They rolled around, and the table holding the Doctor's sonic screwdriver fell over.

Twilight smiled, and used her magic to grab the screwdriver. She levitated it to the Doctor, who took it between his teeth. He activated it and pointed it at their bindings, which released, allowing them to slip to the floor. The two trotted to the door, and with a quick application of the sonic, it opened. They exited out into a hallway.

The Master got his mouth free just long enough to scream and shake his hoof.

"DAMN YOU DOCTOR! I'LL GET YOU NEXT TIME, I-AHH! DAMNIT YOU DISGUSTING FOUR LEGGED HARLOT, GET OFF ME!"

"Tell me I'm a bad girl, I'm a BAD GIRL MASTER!"

"NOOOO!"

The door shut behind them. Twilight looked over at the Doctor, her eyebrow raised.

"So... This is average for you?"

"No... It can get a lot more dangerous," the Doctor said. He smiled at her. "But you know all about that, right?"

"Yeah," Twilight said. She sighed. "Doctor, I need to tell you something-" She stopped at his raised hoof. He shook his head.

"It can wait," The Doctor said. "Still gotta save the world!" He galloped a few steps, and looked over his shoulder with a smile. "You coming?"

"Oh yes, I will be," Twilight chuckled softly, as she galloped after the Time Pony.


	11. Chapter 11

**Beating the Heat**

**or**

**Friendship is Kinky**

_**A My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction**_

**By Andrew J. Talon**

**DISCLAIMER:This is a non-profit fan-made work of prose. My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic is the property of Hasbro. Please support the official release.**

**Author's Note: I... REGRET... NOTHING!**

**And once again I must thank my excellent co-writer Friendly Uncle for his continuing contributions to this fic. Go read his stuff!**

* * *

Pinkie Pie skipped along happily through the hallways, humming cheerfully. She would think of a song to sing and then sing it happily, but she was a little distracted by thoughts of Braeburn. She really had grown fond of Applejack's cousin while they were in Apploosa-He'd enjoyed her singing, and she liked how energetic and cheerful he was. Even while working hard he had a smile in his heart, and Pinkie Pie loved that.

"Braeburn in chocolate... Braeburn whipped cream... Braeburn goes with anything~!"

_There we go_, she thought happily as she began to sing.

"_Oh he's my Braeburn, Apple of my eye, _

_the cream on an eager Pinkie, Pie!_

_We'll be so happy together and I'm going to tell you why~!_

_Whipped, frosted, Braeburn goes with anything!"_

She saw the light of daytime ahead, and skipped merrily ahead, ready to sing a second verse of her song.

_CRACK!_

"Oh!"

Pinkie Pie came to a stop and blinked rapidly. Had she just heard that?

_CRACK!_

"AH!"

Pinkie Pie crept forward, and looked out the door. Her hallway lead out onto a walkway along the eastern wall of the palace. Right up against the wall was another, smaller building with a wide, flat roof. And atop this roof, she could see Rainbow Dash and four other pegasi.

"Pegasi? Or pegasuses? I can never remember," Pinkie Pie muttered to herself. "Pegasi...es...es?"

_CRACK!_

"OH!"

Pinkie Pie put this question aside and skipped along the walkway until she was right across from Dash and the pega... The guards. She tilted her head curiously as she watched.

_CRACK!_

"OH! AH!" Cried Zero, shuddering as he felt the crop slap across his flank. Rainbow Dash, with the riding crop between her teeth, hummed with a scowl. The other guards were similarly arrayed, standing with their backsides to her in a parade ground line.

"Somehow, it's not working as well this way," she said. Galland sighed.

"Not too well on this side either, Miss Dash."

_CRACK!_

"Guh!" Galland grunted. Rainbow Dash scowled.

"That's _Mistress_ Dash to you!"

"Yes Mistress!" Galland replied dutifully.

"And what about the rest of you?" Dash asked flatly. Zero coughed. Dash hovered with her wings around to glare at the guard in the eyes.

"Well? What do you think about it, Soldier?"

"I... I kind of like it... A little," Zero admitted. Dash moved to Mustang, who was shivering a bit.

"And what about you?"

"Uh..."

"I don't know what 'uh' is, soldier! Tell me!" Dash growled.

"Well..."

"Tell me!"

"That is...!"

"_TELL ME!"_ Rainbow Dash bellowed. Mustang winced and opened his mouth.

"This is turning me on and that _scares me!"_

"Good!" Dash cried. She grinned a little and hoofed the riding crop to Mustang. She turned around and landed on her stomach, managing to lift her hips up. She looked over her shoulders with a grin.

"All right, you do it now!"

"Yes Mistress," Mustang mumbled. He looked at the others, but they just shrugged tiredly. Mustang went forward and brought the crop down, hard.

_CRACK!_

Dash groaned, though not out of arousal or pain. It sounded more annoyed.

"Oh _come on!_ You can do better than that! Whip me like you _mean _it!" She glared at Mustang over her shoulder, and rested a hoof on her round flanks which already bore red marks. "I mean, I'm not even _bruising_ yet!"

"Oh wow, did I come in at the right time!" Pinkie Pie said cheerfully. Dash looked up and blinked.

"Pinkie Pie? What are you doing here?"

"Oh, well, that's kind of a long story-Hi other ponies! Very sorry to interrupt and not say hello first, but I'm kind in a hurry and when I'm in a hurry I'm often too focused to say hello but I _am_ focused enough to-"

"Pinkie!" Dash growled. "Summarize!"

"Oh! Okay!" Pinkie Pie opened her mouth widely, sucked in a _huge_ breath, and began speaking as quickly as she could.

"The Elements of Harmony induce a super intense magical heat that'll last forever so the Doctor who is really nice and is focusing hard to keep Twilight from jumping him got the rest of our friends together with Big Mac and Spike and this nice Wonderbolt who Applejack claimed as her Plan B to go to Canterlot to get the Elements of Harmony and fix this but I came along mainly because some Shadowbolts stole my Braeburn while we were making like bunnies which is kind of funny how they compare horny ponies to bunnies but _anyway _we ended up coming when there was a Studly Stallion Convention for Manly Ponies and I tried to seduce Chairstallion Kaga but was stopped by Rarity who reminded me I was here for Braeburn and to try not to let my heat get the better of me but I was sooo hot that cooking seemed natural but I don't want a bun in my oven yet I just want Braeburn's big fat loaf _anyway_ Fluttershy drove the _whole convention_ crazy with her Stare and we had to run we've been doing a lot of that _all day_ and Princess Celestia said _she'd_ deal with all one thousand horny stallions herself and she pointed me down this hallway to find my Braeburn but I _haven't_ I've found you so we need to find him and the others so we can find the Elements of Harmony and find a solution otherwise we'll find ourselves slaves to our lusts and induce the rest of Equestria into a huge orgy _FOREVER!"_

Pinkie Pie collapsed onto her chest, panting for breath with her big tongue hanging out. Dash blinked a few times in quick succession, before she nodded.

"Right! Okay! We have to save Equestria!" She smiled brightly at the guards. "You guys rest here!"

"Yes Mistress, but why?" Galland asked reasonably. Rainbow Dash licked her lips.

"Well, if we _fail..._ I wanna know where you are."

Thach meeped. Dash gave him a raunchy grin.

"And if you try to run... Mistress _will_ find you."

"Then the very best of luck, Mistress Dash," Galland said quickly.

She flapped her wings and hovered over to Pinkie Pie. "Come on Pinkie!"

"Right-a-roony!" Pinkie said cheerfully. She resumed skipping as Dash flew after her. The four guards collapsed, all utterly spent.

"Uh... Geez, I thought she was exhausting when we were the dominant ones," groaned Zero.

"I want my mommy," Thach sobbed.

"Hold the line, soldier," Galland said. "No relationship is entirely peaches and cream. I, for one, am not giving up just because of a few whacks to the rump."

"Me neither," Mustang admitted in a small voice, covering his face with his hooves.

"Love is a battlefield! We will _not_ yield!" Galland cried.

"I think he's gone now," Zero said.

"Yeah, but what a way to go," Mustang sighed.

* * *

Applejack's gallop had slowed to a canter, and gradually down to a trot as she navigated the hallways of the palace. She looked around, eyes focused on anything that might be a possible threat.

"... So..." The package on her back said. "Not going to talk, huh?"

"Ah'm a little focused at the moment," Applejack returned flatly. She rubbed her chin and looked between two hallways.

"Well if you're going to be quiet, can you at least untie me?" Soarin' asked plaintively. "As much as I enjoy watching your shapely backside, my wings are getting a cramp."

"It's exactly fer that reason that you are stayin' on mah back," Applejack declared. "And try t' keep yer eyes off mah backside, if you please?"

"What was all that talk about 'Plan B' then?" Soarin' asked flatly.

"What? You were awake fer that?" Applejack gasped as she looked back. Her nose came in contact with his, and their eyes locked. Her face, already hot from her estrus, seemed to glow like the sun at the warmth of his breath. Applejack quickly looked forward again, taking deep breaths and trying to calm herself. Soarin' leaned up and nibbled on her neck.

"Yep," he said, a grin in his voice. Applejack shuddered and held back a moan. "Also caught parts of you ranting at your brother... Drag me to a priest, huh?"

Applejack closed her eyes, and took another deep breath. She then rolled her shoulders and tossed Soarin' off her back. He landed with a thud and looked up at her in shock.

"Wha-Hey! What's that for?"

"That is for you gettin' too cozy!" Applejack growled, circling him from a safe distance. "Here ah am, tryin' to save Equestria and you are here... N-Nibblin' on me!"

"Well what am I supposed to do?" Soarin' asked dryly. He gestured to his wings and his legs, both tied up in rope. "I don't have many other options here!"

"Good!" Applejack said crossly. "Right now, ah don't trust you, or myself! So at least one of us should be tied up! Since ah didn't get us in this mess, it should be me!"

"What? You're the one who started this!" Soarin' growled. Applejack gasped and spun around.

"Ah did not!"

"You jumped into the pool! I dove in to rescue you-"

"Ah didn't know you were there!"

"Well how else would it have looked to anyone else? You just ran in there like you were trying to drown yourself!" Soarin' defended. "I was trying to save you!"

"Ah didn't need savin' you empty headed cloud jockey! Ah was doin' jest fine! Then you had to sweep in, lookin' for a pie!" Applejack growled.

"So? You should be flattered I flew by! That pie was delicious and so are you!" Soarin' shouted back.

"WELL SO ARE YOU! YA' DON'T SEE ME MAKIN' SUCH A MESS OUT OF IT THOUGH!" Applejack bellowed.

"YOU MADE THE MESS! WHO'S THE ONE CONNECTED TO THE ELEMENTS, HUH?" Soarin' shouted back.

"IT WEREN'T MAH FAULT!" Applejack shouted back, getting right in his face. They growled at each other, before Applejack closed the distance and kissed him furiously. Soarin' responded as best he could, straining against his bonds with as much force as he could bring to bear.

"Mmm... Mmm... Mmph?" Applejack pulled away, breathing heavily. Soarin' looked about the same, the blue pegasus having a definite stain of red on his cheeks.

"Ah... Haa... S-Sorry," Applejack said quickly.

"No, uh, I'm sorry," Soarin' said. He sighed. "I guess I did kind of get us stuck together..."

"Let's jest focus on finishin' our mission. Blame and punishment can be sorted out later," Applejack sighed.

He looked back at her with a smile. "Still... Not all bad, right?"

"Not all bad? We've got all of Equestria goin' crazy thanks to their nethers! It's just plain crazy!" Applejack cried. Soarin' looked at the ceiling and coughed.

"Well... Um... Yeah, a bit." He shrugged and smiled. "Worse ponies to spend it with."

"Oh come on, yer just sayin' that," Applejack insisted. "It's cause of the heat. We don't even know eachother!"

"I know you're strong willed enough to carry me around, bound and helpless, and _not_ take advantage of me," Soarin' said with a little grin. "As much as I wouldn't mind, I find that very attractive. Heat or no heat, you're a mare I'm glad to get to know better."

Applejack's cheeks went bright red, and she huffed. "Yeah, well... Let's jest keep our minds on the job, all right? And as for the future, let's... Let's jest let that take care of itself." She looked down at him and spat in her hoof. She held it out to him. "Agreed?"

Soarin' managed to twist his rear hoof enough to spit in it, and he offered it to Applejack. They shook, awkwardly. "Agreed... Now can you untie me please?"

"Ah dunno, I've started t' get used to it..."

"Oh just you wait. When I get out I'm tying _you_ up."

Applejack allowed herself a smirk.

"That spose'ta be a threat?"

The blue pegasus grinned at her.

"Nope... A _promise."_

* * *

Big Mac had never been in the palace before. Frankly, he was at a loss as to how to navigate. The hallway seemed to stretch on forever, and there were numerous intersections, doors, and forks throughout. So, for lack of anything better, he pressed on and trusted in his luck that he'd fine the way out. Doubting Princess Celestia not only felt wrong from the perspective of her being a goddess, but silly-This _was_ her palace, after all. She should know it inside and out, as he knew every corner and nail in the Apple farmhouse.

Frankly, the day he'd been having he needed a little faith...

"Big Mac..." Fluttershy's voice was even quieter than usual.

"Eeyup?" He asked, not glancing over his shoulder at the bound pegasus on his back.

"Oh, um... oh dear... I hate to ask you this..." She was squirming a little now, her wings brushing against him as she tugged at the ropes. Big Mac focused intently on anything _but_ that sensation.

"I mean, you've been so very very nice to me today in spite of everything that's happened, and I really appreciate it and I hate to ask for anything else, but..."

"Nope," Big Mac said automatically, firmly keeping his thoughts on the mission and off the tugging at his heartstrings her voice was doing.

"...oh. Oh dear. Alright. I'm sorry I asked." Fluttershy heaved a tiny sigh and allowed herself to drape limply over the big pony's back. "Of course you wouldn't want to take a break. These ropes are starting to chafe a little, but it's not too bad. I'm sure I'll be fine until we find the Elements."

"Oh," the big stallion said. He shook his head. "A break. Sounds fine to me."

Big Macintosh looked around, weighing his options. A fountain in the shape of a pair of alicorns dancing together held the promise of cool, refreshing water. With a nod he trotted over, and turned his head around. Carefully, he took her bound limbs between his teeth, and pulled her off. He swung her a bit but with the help of the big muscles in his neck he set her down gently on the floor. A tug on the knot with his teeth, and the ropes came loose.

"Aaaaaahhh..." Fluttershy sighed in relief, the sound pitched just low enough to be interesting. She stretched all six of her limbs as far as they would go before rolling back up onto her hooves and rolling her spine with a series of crackling noises. She ended the movement with her head low to the ground and her back curved upwards and thrusting her haunches high into the air.

"Thank you so much!" she said brightly before bending to take a drink from the fountain. Big Mac nodded and waited for her to be done, keeping his eyes firmly on the water. He tried to focus on his thirst, and not on the mare slurping up the water delicately...

_Nope. Nope. Nope._ He closed his eyes instead and tried humming a song that came to mind to keep his attention away from Fluttershy, or anything remotely to do with Fluttershy.

Fluttershy sighed again, deep and husky, as she raised her head, licking excess water from her lips. She turned to Big Mac, and her eyelids slowly drifted to half mast as she watched him slake his own thirst.

"And thank you for carrying me away back there," she said, he voice soft as her feathers, "I was so scared that those stallions were going to catch me! All those... lusty... maddened stallions... those... _big_... red..."

Her eyes jerked all the way open as she realized what she was saying. With a small cry Fluttershy immediately turned and plunged her head into the water with a wet _smack_.

Big Macintosh released the breath he was holding, and watched her hold her head underwater. After a minute, he became concerned, and pulled her out. "Miss Fluttershy?" He rumbled.

"I'm okay!" Fluttershy sputtered, shaking water out of her face and pulling the sodden mass of her mane out of her eyes. The moment she did her gaze connected once again with Mac's, and a furious blush rose immediately on her cheeks. She quickly brought up her hooves to hide her face, trembling.

"No I'm not," she moaned, "I'm a bad pony."

"What? No! No you aren't," Big Macintosh insisted. He rested his big hoof on her shoulder, unable to help the compulsion to comfort her in some way.

"Yes I am!" she whimpered, flinching away from his touch. "I can't stop it! If I was stronger like Twilight or Applejack I could stop it! But I can't. I'm a naughty pony. It's all my fault."

"No it ain't," Big Macintosh said. He rested his hoof on her shoulders, and held her in place to keep her from moving away. "It's the Elements. Nopony knew they'd cause all this. Nopony _could."_

Fluttershy looked up from her hooves with the most miserable look Big Macintosh had ever seen on a pony's face. Even more miserable than Apple Bloom had that time Rainbow Dash told her that Hearth's Warming Eve had been cancelled. The yellow pegasus whimpered and half-heartedly tried to wipe the water off her face.

"It wasn't the elements last year," she said, almost too quietly for him to hear.

"No... No it wasn't," Big Macintosh admitted. "That don't mean yer a bad pony. Yer just a bit..." He fell silent, thinking. "Repressed."

"I... I'm going around and... and I'm..." Fluttershy cast about for the word, "_rutting_ anything I can find with four legs!" She made a frustrated squeaking noise and smacked her hoof down on the carpet with a quiet thud. "I think maybe I could repress a little more."

"Nope," Big Macintosh said succinctly. He pointed his hoof to the fountain. He pressed it over the mouth of the fountain and held it there. He looked at her. Fluttershy blinked at him.

"This is you." He waited until he was sure the pressure had built up enough, and then released it. The water burst out in a spray, getting on them both. "This is you in heat," he said.

"... you mean I get wet?" she asked very carefully. Big Macintosh nodded.

"Soaked." He pointed to the fountain again, now flowing normally. "You're either off, or on."

"I'd rather be off all the time," said Fluttershy with a sigh. "I'm so scared sometimes, it's like my body won't even listen to me. I don't even want to talk to most stallions, but it's like there's a voice in the back of my head screaming..."

She paused and raised her hooves like a movie monster and spoke with a screeching (but still very quiet) tone of voice. "Get that stallion! Rut him! Rut him until neither of you can see straight! _Make pony babies!_"

Big Macintosh suppressed a laugh and shook his head. "That's just your problem though," he said gently, "ya can't just turn it off. So you gotta let it out."

He gestured back to the water gently trickling out of the fountain. "Let it flow," he said. "A little at a time. Slow. Steady." He gave her a small, knowing smile. "It's how ah deal with... Things."

"You?" Fluttershy blinked, "but you don't have to worry about... this sort of thing. ...do you? I mean, you've always been so..." She started to smile a little and quickly shook her head, pulling her gaze away from the stallion's body. "You're so reserved," she finished lamely.

Big Macintosh sighed. He reached up to one of the metal lamps that graced the walls, and yanked it off. He set it on the floor, and crushed it with a minimum of effort.

"Growin' up, ah was... Strong. Very strong. Scary strong. And... Angry," he said. He looked up at her with a little difficulty. More than he'd shown by smashing the lamp flat. "Wild, ya might say... Hurt a few folks when ah lost control."

His eyes went to the side, like hers did when she was uncomfortable. Fluttershy slowly reached out and touched the hoof he'd used to crush the lamp. Her face was full of sympathy.

"I'm sure you didn't mean to," she whispered.

"Nope... Hurt all the same," Big Macintosh said quietly, and it was clear he wasn't talking about physical ailments. He sighed.

"The only way to deal with it, was to learn how t' be like that." He pointed at the water as it trickled happily into the pool below the two sisters. "Flow. Give. Relax."

"I'm not very good at relaxing," sighed Fluttershy, "other ponies always seem so calm, but I always feel kind of... wound up."

"That just means you gotta learn how," said Big Macintosh gently. He reached out to slip a hoof under Fluttershy's chin and tilted her face up until she was looking at him.

"All it takes is practice," he said. "Ah reckon ah can help you with that."

Fluttershy's eyes widened. "You... you mean it? You'd do that for me?"

He smiled. "Eyup."

"Oh, Big Mac, that's so sweet of you!" Fluttershy's pupils dilated, and she jumped up to give the big stallion a warm hug. She sighed and snuggled up against his coat, nuzzling his neck. Slowly, he hooves began trailing down his powerful chest to...

"Fluttershy."

Her eyes snapped open, and then she slowly scooted away from Big Macintosh and lay down very carefully on her back. Fluttershy held out all of her hooves and turned to look carefully away.

"Maybe you'd better tie me back up," she said, blushing intensely.

Big Macintosh expertly lassoed the pegasus and bound her legs together very carefully before depositing her once again on his back. Taking a moment to regain his bearings, he turned and continued down the hallway.

"... Big Mac?"

"Eeyup?"

"When... when you said... 'practice'... you meant sex, right?"

"Eeyup."

"... _yay_."

* * *

Many of the hallways of Canterlot castle were filled with noises. Many of them sexy noises, others not so much. This particular hall was dead silent. A light breeze fluttered through one of the open windows, flapping the curtain gently. Somewhere in the distance one could faintly detect the echo of somepony screaming in melodramatic horror.

It was so quiet, that if one strained their ears hard enough, they might have heard the bead of sweat as it slowly rolled down the side of Braeburn's face and, after clinging to his chin for a split second, falling to its death on the slightly musty carpeting below. Braeburn's left ear flicked back and forth irritably, and he raised one forehoof to carefully wipe the rest of the perspiration from his face. His eyes narrowed as he continued to strain his senses to their limits.

..._there_.

Just on the edges of his hearing, the earth pony detected the telltale _whumpf_ of a pegasus' wings in flight. Darn it all, he was sure he'd lost them when he rappelled down the outside of that tower. Princess Luna's minions had to be the most relentless pursuers that he'd ever tried to escape. Even buffalo would have tired by now, but these fillies just kept coming.

Still, he wasn't licked yet. Braeburn pushed his hat back on his head and looked around. He could hear hooves as well, trodding softly on the hallway carpet. They were getting closer, the wings and the hooves... Why would one be on the floor? Where they trying to fake him out?

An idea struck the cowpony and after casting about for anything that could be used as rope, he resorted to tearing down one of the gaudy tapestries hanging from the walls and quickly shredded it into strips. It was but the work of a moment to twist the pieces into a sizable length of stout rope.

"Didn't look that good anyway," he muttered to himself," All them ponies were upside down..."

The hoof and wing beats were getting closer now. He thought he could gauge which direction they were coming from. It was a tall hallway, but a narrow one. Chuckling softly, Braeburn tied a loop in the end of his makeshift rope and tossed it over a relatively fortunate light fixture. Flattened against the wall, he could hold the rope out of sight while the loop lay on the floor at the end of the hall.

"Show you girls a thing or two," he said as he gingerly placed his hat over the loop. "This sure as shootin' ain't Braeburn's first rodeo."

He repressed the urge to add a whoop to the end of that statement, grabbed the other end of the rope in his teeth, and waited.

_Closer... Closer..._

"Ooh! Hat!" Cried a cheerful female voice. He felt his rope being tugged, and he yanked back as hard as he could. "OHWAHHH!"

"Hey! Who's there?" Shouted a familiar female voice.

"What the hay?" asked Braeburn of nopony in particular, "is that...?"

"Rainbow Dash!" squealed the first voice, "I found him! I found my stallion!"

"Pinkie Pie!" exclaimed Braeburn, looking around frantically. "Where are ya? T'ain't safe here, I got a pack o' pegasi on my tail!"

"I'm up heeere!" sang Pinkie, giggling. Braeburn slowly looked upwards. Pinkie Pie, slowly turning a circle as she hung suspended from the the light fixture, waved at him frantically, an enormous smile on her face.

"Well I'll be a snake's uncle," said Braeburn in wonder, "how in Equestria did you get up there Sugar Pie?"

"You're the one holding the rope," said Rainbow Dash, who was now wearing Braeburn's hat.

"If you wanted to trap me, I could have prepared better!" Pinkie Pie chirped. "I mean, like some dialogue!" She held her hooves together in front of her pleadingly. "Please, Frontierspony! Don't ravish me as your rightful prize! And especially don't make me lick sugar off of your-!"

Rainbow Dash pulled the stetson down around her ears so she didn't have to hear the rest of that sentence. Braeburn turned as red as... well, an apple, and frantically waved for Pinkie to stop. "Ah don't think this is an entirely appropriate moment for talkin' about licking things," he babbled.

"Yeah, we really don't have time for that," said Dash, lifting her hat off her ears. "Pinkie told me the Elements of Harmony are going to..." She frowned. "What did you say again?"

"Drive all of Equestria into an eternal orgy and ultimately lead to the complete and total destruction of our civilization as lusty mares tear down society to slake their unending lusts?"

Rainbow Dash scowled. "That's not what you said!"

"I was paraphrasing!" She insisted. "Besides, that's what _will_ happen! I mean, imagine if both the Princesses were in heat _all the time!"_

Braeburn's eyes widened in horror.

_In his mind the castle fell away to unveil an endless wasteland piled knee high with stallion bones. And endless carpet of bones as far as the horizon, like an endless sea of white. And there, in the distance, mounted on great heaps of the bones, were two wild-eyed mares, turning their horrible lusty gazes down upon him as their mouths split into perverted leers._

"_Look sister," hissed the sticky phantom that had once been Celestia, "we missed one."_

"_Mine!" screamed Luna, who had never learned to share. She leaped down from atop her bones directly towards Braeburn, who opened his mouth to unleash a soundless cry of absolute terror. _

He also let go of the rope.

"HEE!" Pinkie Pie cried as she fell onto the floor. "OOF!"

"Pinkie, you all right?" Asked Dash, a bit concerned. The pink pony waved her foreleg.

"I'm okay! I landed on my head!" She looked up at Braeburn, and then adopted a wince. "I mean... Oh... Ow... The pain! My only hope is some tender, loving care!"

"Sorry Sugar Pie, but we ain't got time fer this," Braeburn said grimly. "We gotta save the world!"

"Yeah!" Rainbow Dash said with a grin.

"Not even a quickie?" Pinkie Pie pouted.

"Pinkie! As much as I'd like to ravish Braeburn too, we don't have the time," said Rainbow Dash. She headed down the hallway. "Come on!"

"But you _just _said we didn't have time!" wailed Pinkie.

Rainbow Dash paused and turned to stare at the pink pony in confusion. "We... don't?"

"But _then_ you told me to-"

"Let's just go," said Braeburn, "and we can take care of anything else you fillies might want after we've averted the world-endin' orgy."

"Woohoo!"

They set off down the hall. Braeburn eyed Rainbow Dash and tried to decide if it would be worth it to try and get his hat back.

"So Braeburn," said Pinkie as she bounced along, "why where you trying to catch me with a crudely constructed rope snare?"

Braeburn's eyes widened. An instant later three all-too familiar female voices filled the hall.

"There he is! I found him!"

"_Get them!_"

"For nookie!"

"Awwwww, horseapples," moaned Braeburn, "RUN GIRLS!"

"Yeehaw!"

* * *

_Once again, big thanks are in order to Friendly Uncle for his massive assistance with this chapter. Stay tuned for the next chapter._


	12. Chapter 12

**Beating the Heat**

**or**

**Friendship is Kinky**

_**A My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction**_

**By Andrew J. Talon**

**DISCLAIMER:This is a non-profit fan-made work of prose. My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic is the property of Hasbro. Please support the official release.**

**Author's Note: I... REGRET... NOTHING!**

**And once again I must thank my excellent co-writer Friendly Uncle for his continuing contributions to this fic. Go read his stuff!**

**In addition, I would like to thank LuckyStampede for his contributions to this fic in the arena of brainstorming. He was a lot of help.**

* * *

The Doctor and Twilight trotted through the last leg of hallway, which opened up into a large, round room. Around them were Doric columns, holding up a great glass dome that the sun shone through brightly. Behind the columns ran a circular gallery, displaying several stained glass windows depicting various scenes from history. The sun shone gently through each and every one, casting colors across the marble floor in between deep shadows.

"Wow... It's beautiful," Twilight murmured. She pressed her face against the Doctor's neck and nuzzled it. "So full of wonder and beauty..."

"Twilight," the Doctor said warningly. Twilight pouted.

"All right, all right..." She lit up her horn with magical energy. "You take one half, I'll take the other?" and scanned the wide room. The Doctor drew his sonic screwdriver and made a sweep of his own, eyes widening as the tool began to make louder and louder beeps.

"Well, we've certainly found something!" he said, grinning excitedly, "I'm picking up an enormous thaumic disturbance! Definitely the Elements from the way it's pulsing. I just have to get a closer fix on it..."

The Doctor began to trot forward, following the increasingly loud beeps.

"Goodness, I've never seen a reading like this before, it's going off the scale!"

Eyes glued to the screwdriver, he broke into a run. Directly into Twilight's rump.

"Bwah!"

"Mmph!"

The Doctor quickly jumped back onto his hooves and took a few steps away from the red-faced unicorn, smiling as apologetically as he was able.

"Oh, well, looks like I was ah, detecting you there Twilight. So sorry." He glanced around. "...where's my screwdriver?"

Her face practically glowing crimson, Twilight wordlessly raised her tail, and then levitated the instrument over to the Doctor. He simply stared at it for a long moment, and then very carefully took it between his front hooves and then slipped it into his pocket.

"Not going to keep scanning?" asked Twilight, forcing a smile.

"... well..." the Doctor fidgeted, "I'd have to... hold it in my mouth..."

The purple unicorn's left eye twitched dangerously, and then she turned away from the Doctor towards the opposite end of the room.

"It doesn't matter!" she said, "I was going to tell you before you... did that... you shouldn't be able to detect the elements anyway, the vault they're kept in is magically shielded to make them harder to detect."

"Then what are we scanning for?" The Doctor raised an eyebrow, somewhat flummoxed and not liking it.

"The vault," said Twilight wearily.

"_Oh._ Well why didn't you say so in the first place? _That's _right over there."

Twilight sighed and rolled her eyes as she turned around. "No, no, it's got to be behind some kind of disguise spell, and probably a couple of barriers too, and it would be disguised, so we have to... look for... a huge door... with a horn-shaped... lock..." She trailed off as she stared in the direction that her companion's hoof was pointing, where there did in fact appear to be an enormous vault door.

"Like that one?" the Doctor said with only the faintest trace of smugness.

Twilight's pupils dilated. "I can't decide if I'm going to rut you or murder you," she hissed, "we'll find out _together_."

"Twilight!"

Whatever may have happened next never happened because Spike chose that precise moment to come barreling into the room and tackle the unicorn to the floor, hugging her with all of his tiny draconic might. Twilight cried out in surprise, and then glee as she returned the embrace.

"Spike! You're okay!"

"So are you! Oh my gosh, I was so worried!"

"Oh me too, I'm so glad you're alright!"

"I'm glad you're alright too! I'm also choking!"

"... Sorry."

The Doctor smiled warmly at the display, and then turned to nod to Rarity. She returned the gesture as she walked over, a tired smile on her face.

"Ah, Doctor, you're looking well."

"Why thank you Rarity, you're as ravishing as ever."

"Oh, stop," she giggled.

"No no," said the Doctor with a shake of his head, "I mean it, you're-"

"No really, stop," said Rarity, fidgeting, "I'm holding myself back as hard as I can and then you go and compliment me, it's really not making it any easier. I wouldn't want to fight Twilight over you."

She smiled at him, but the way her lips drew back put the Doctor in mind of some kind of predatory animal, and the way her eyes travelled over his flank tickled something in his hindbrain that started screaming for him to run while he still had legs to do it with. He returned the smile as politely as he could and took a few steps away from her. Twilight chose that particular moment to rise back onto her hooves, Spike sitting on her back and a glassy look in her eyes.

"So I guess we found it!" she said, gesturing to the vault door. "Now we just have to figure out how to get inside!"

"Don't we need the others for that dear?" asked Rarity, trotting over to the door and running a hoof over it.

"Well we're halfway there," drawled Applejack as she walked into the room. On her back, Soarin' twisted around until he could see the others and approximated a wave in their general direction.

"Hey everypony!" he said, "What's going on?"

"We appear to be rapidly approaching some manner of conclusion to the day's events!" the Doctor cheerfully expositioned. "We have located the elements." He gestured to the door. "We have several of their holders." Here he motioned towards Twilight and Rarity. "And judging by your appearance we can presume that the Princess was correct in saying all roads eventually lead here, so while we wait for the others to arrive we need only to get the elements out of this vault so that the bearers can vent their excess heat, and then we can all go home."

"Oh thank all that's good and horsey it's almost over," said Applejack, sliding off her legs and onto the floor with a sigh and a bump. "Ah am just about ready to chew nails off a fence and it would be just _dandy_ if ah could take mah mind off doin' it for two seconds at last."

"Mph," opined Soarin', who had landed on his head.

"...not that plan B was lookin' all _that_ bad," Applejack muttered, turning a slightly deeper shade of orange.

"I just want somepony to untie me."

"Plenty of time for that sort of thing later!" said Rarity as cheerfully as she could manage with her back hooves tapping a steady rhythm on the floor. "For the moment, Twilight, let's get this vault open."

"Right!" said Twilight, rubbing her hooves together, "I'll just open up this vault door, which is enchanted to never open at all, ever, unless Princess Celestia herself puts her horn in the lock."

There was a brief pause for comedic effect.

"Wait, what?" said the Doctor.

"We can't open the vault?" asked Spike, eyes wide in mounting terror, "why didn't you _tell us _we couldn't open the vault!"

"Oh you guys," Twilight giggled, "so quick to panic! I just said the door wasn't_ supposed_ to open unless the princess opened it herself. I never said we _couldn't_ open it."

"All well and good then," said Applejack, waving her hoof at Twilight from the floor, "get at it!"

"Right!"

Twilight licked her lips as she approached the vault door, eyes narrowed as she examined it. She rubbed her hooves together, cracked her neck, and hopped up onto her hind legs, looking into the hole in the center of the door's lock.

"Everypony relax," she said slowly, "I think I've got this."

With a great air of finality, she slipped her horn into the hole.

"...okay, that's it." Applejack stood up. "Soarin', do your duty."

"Can you untie me fir-"

"I said I've got this!" yelled Twilight, frowning. She twisted her neck a little, moving her horn in the lock. It remained quiet.

"Hmmmm..." said Rarity, "Maybe you should... move it... in and out..."

"Like this?" asked Twilight, thrusting her horn in and out of the lock.

"Oooohhhh _yeessss_..."

"I don't think that's going to help," the purple unicorn sighed, "Princess Celestia didn't really move her horn at all, she just kind of..."

Twilight closed her eyes and concentrated. A dim magical glow surrounded the base of her horn, and after a moment, a number of clicking noises came from the door. Then everything went quiet again. Twilight sighed and rapped on the door with her hoof. The vault remained stubbornly closed.

"Alright!" she announced, removing her horn and falling back onto all four hooves, "new plan! We hit it really hard until it breaks."

"Oh my goodness oh my goodness oh my goodness...!"

A frantically whispering Fluttershy, all four legs bound together underneath her, butter-colored wings fluttering like a hummingbird's, sailed across the room and impacted with the vault door. She didn't actually hit the door so much as her body seemed to smoosh against it and then slide to the ground in a trembling ball of feathers and fluff. The other ponies in the room exchanged expressions of total shock.

"I think we need to hit it a little harder than that," said the Doctor.

"Oh dear!" Fluttershy tumbled upright and buzzed over to a thoroughly flabbergasted Applejack, sweat pouring down the sides of her face and slicking back her mane. "Applejack! Oh my, you have to help me! Please! I mean that's if you don't mind that is..."

"Well sure sugarcube!" said Applejack, putting a comforting arm over the yellow pony's shoulders, "what's wrong?"

"I need you to buck me in the head until I'm unconscious," said Fluttershy.

Applejack practically jumped away from her, eyes wide. "What! No! No ah ain't gonna do that! Why in the hay would I do that!"

"Because your brother's right behind me," Fluttershy whimpered, "and _I can't stop trying to seduce him_!"

"Ah said it's fine," Big Macintosh said wearily as he stepped into the room, "ah ain't seduced yet."

"Oh?" Fluttershy's voice dropped a few octaves, "because I can try _harder_..."

Spike quickly leaped onto Fluttershy's back and threw a gag around her muzzle. Rarity hip-checked the pegasus onto the ground and telekinetically tied her wings together. "There!" she said as Fluttershy squealed wordlessly at her from the floor, "that's about enough of that! Now how about that door?"

"Y'all get clear of it," said Applejack, pawing the floor, "ah wanna buck somethin', now's a good a time as any."

"Ummm, no offense Applejack," said Twilight, "but maybe Big Mac should take a crack at it?"

"Eeeenope," said Big Mac.

In answer, Applejack snorted, and then thundered across the room towards the door, her hooves striking sparks on the tiles as she galloped. At the last possible second the earth pony stopped, whipping her body around and thrusting backwards with her hindquarters. Bucky McGilicutty and Kicks Mcgee struck the vault door with a deafening crack. The floor trembled. Fluttershy made a bleating noise and fainted.

Applejack slowly put her hooves back on the floor. "Ow," she managed after a moment, shaking her legs and wincing as the joints crackled.

"Well, operation 'Use Applejack's Pent-up Tormented Arousal as Fuel to Buck the Doors Off Their Hinges' is a bust," said Twilight, "Doctor?"

"...I do have to hold it in my-"

Twilight snarled.

"Yes dear."

The Doctor pulled out his sonic screwdriver and aimed it at the door. Nothing happened.

"Are you sure it's on?" asked Spike.

"I do hesitate to point this out," the Doctor mumbled around the screwdriver, "but if they're going to make the palace's mundane doors sonic proof, as we observed earlier, then it only makes sense that the magically closed one would be as well."

"Nerts!" muttered Twilight, "okay, new plan! Everypony stand back."

Everypony did, the Doctor muttering something about grapes as he joined them. Twilight poked her tongue out of her mouth as her horn began to glow. The soft light quickly grew brighter and sparks began pulsing off the magical organ as the vault was shrouded in violet light.

"Twilight," said Rarity, "I don't mean to point out the obvious, but that door was enchanted by Princess Celestia, was it not? You're quite formidable yourself, but how are you proposing to break through a barrier conjured by the Goddess of the sun?"

"Oh, I'm not trying to break through the door with magic!" Twilight called back, "I'm just trying to contain the explosion!"

"... uh, what explosion?" Asked Soarin' very quietly.

"The one I'm about to set off by fusing these hydrogen atoms together!" Twilight answered cheerfully.

The Doctor's jaw hit the floor.

"What," said Applejack.

* * *

"Did you hear something?" asked Luscombe, ears flicking as he glanced around in surprise.

"No!" moaned Celestia.

"... must have been my imagination then!" Luscome said cheerfully, going back to what he'd been doing.

* * *

"Well!" said Twilight, grinning, "I feel a little better! How is everypony? No body parts missing?"

"Just my sanity," said Spike very quietly.

"Wha..." For perhaps the first time in her life, Rarity found it almost impossible to form words. "What just happened?"

"Thermonuclear reaction," said the Doctor, still staring straight ahead. "Released about 0.04 terajoules. Very impressive."

"I hope the princess doesn't mind about the windows," said Soarin' grimacing at the enormous cracks in the stained glass.

"Ah imagine she'll understand it was a matter of urgency," said Applejack.

"Too bad it didn't work," added Big Mac.

"Mph," said Fluttershy.

The door seemed a bit more brightly polished than it had a few moments ago, but aside from this and a few cracks in the nearby flooring it appeared to be entirely unscathed. Twilight scowled and trotted over to the door, tapping it experimentally with her hoof. It didn't budge.

"We're doomed," she sighed.

"Oh, more than you can imagine," gloated a familiar voice. All eyes turned to the doorway. The Master, his coiffed hair in disarray and a crazed smile on his face, stood next to a blank-looking Trixie. The Doctor sighed.

"Well, your timing's gotten better Master. Or, no wait, the other thing, worse."

"Who-?" Spike began, but he was swiftly interrupted by Twilight.

"The Master. The Doctor's arch enemy, old friend, ex-coltfriend-"

"I AM NOT HIS EX!" The Master bellowed furiously.

"Mm, Trixie _really_ like," the blue unicorn moaned next to him. The Master twitched.

"Point is, you want the Elements of Harmony, do you not?" The Master asked. Applejack frowned.

"How in tarnation did you figure that-"

"Oh _please,"_ he snorted. "All six of the Elements of Harmony together, frantically trying to get to a room with a vault? You'd have to be as utterly oblivious as Trixie here to miss that!"

"Oh yes, berate me more," Trixie moaned happily, trembling. The Master grimaced. The Doctor sighed.

"The old hypnosis gag, hm?" The Time Pony looked over at Twilight and stage whispered to her behind a raised hoof, "He was always trying to use that sort of thing for dates. Very embarrassing-"

"SILENCE!" The Master bellowed. "I will have the Elements of Harmony for myself!"

"But you can't use them without us!" Twilight protested.

"Bah! I'll find a way around that," the Master scoffed.

"Yeah, but what are you going to do about the fact you're outnumbered?" Spike asked with a smirk.

"Eeyup," Big Macintosh put forth his two cents, meaningfully padding at the carpet with one hoof.

"Trixie? You worthless piece of trash, put them in their places!" The Master commanded. The blue unicorn trembled, moaned... And a wave of power left her horn, throwing everypony off their hooves and into the walls.

"OOF!"

"AH!"

"OH MY!"

Spike poked his head out of the pile of ponies and groaned.

"G-Good answer... Ow..."

"Everypony," Twilight managed, pulling herself away from the pile, "work on getting that thing open! The Doctor and I will handle them!"

"Eeyup!" said Big Macintosh, charging the vault door. Applejack limped after him, while Spike rushed over and started looking for hinges that he could try to melt. Fluttershy and Soarin' lay on the floor in a heap of fur, feathers, and rope, wondering what decisions they'd made that had caused their lives to reach this point.

"I've got an idea!" yelled Rarity. Rushing over to the vault, she jumped onto Big Mac's back and began thrusting her horn repeatedly into the lock. Twilight watched her for a moment before turning back to the Master and Trixie with a weary sigh.

"I'm not 'handling' him," said the Doctor nervously, "he's clingy enough as it is."

"I'M NOT CLINGY!"

"Yeah, yeah, nopony's listening to you," said Twilight with a sigh. "How'd you get Trixie off of you, anyway? When we left she was trying to swallow your tonsils."

"I merely asserted my superior will over the drooling idiot," replied the Master, "it was no great feat, as inferior as her intellect is."

Trixie made an inarticulate groaning noise. Her mouth was hanging open and a thin string of drool was in fact running out of it and down to the floor. The Master gaped at her with undisguised disgust and took a few steps away.

"He probably just put her over an instrument panel until she was reasonably coherent again," commented the Doctor.

"I don't know," mused Twilight, "as much as I'm sure he wanted to, that doesn't seem like the most expedient option."

"For him? Very expedient."

"Oh, dis!"

The Master seemed to stare into space for a long moment, as if he were looking very hard at nothing in particular. Compared to his previous rants his expression was now almost unnaturally calm. His left eye twitched ever so slightly. Trixie noticed that he'd stopped insulting her and poked him very gently in the side with her horn.

"I don't have to take this any more," the Master announced rather abruptly. "Trixie, you're a worthless tart who'll never amount to anything, now go kill Twilight Sparkle."

"Ah...! Yes daddy!"

Twilight let out a yelp of surprise as she was hurled across the room by Trixie's telekinesis. The drooling unicorn practically skipped after her. Then the Master pulled out a tubular device much like the Doctor's and pointed it at him. There was a loud buzz and the front end lit up like the Doctor's sonic screwdriver. Rather than a blue light, however, this device produced a red one.

_TSEW!_

"Ah!" The Doctor cried, jumping as a part of the carpet ignited. "Laser!"

"Yes Doctor, a _laser_ screwdriver," the Master laughed, firing his weapon repeatedly. The Doctor took cover behind a pillar, as the rest of their group moved behind the vault. "Who'd have _sonic?"_

"So your big secret weapon is ripping me off," the Doctor taunted. "Mate, have you considered a hobby? I mean, aside from trying to kill me and conquer the universe? Or maybe a marefriend-?"

"I am NOT ripping you off! It's a laser!" The Master growled, firing repeatedly into the sides of the pillar. He galloped around to a pillar three away from the Doctor, and pointed it around his own cover. The laser beam shot through the air, invisible but hot as fire, and the Doctor narrowly dodged it to get to another pillar.

"What happened to that marvelous weapon of yours?" The Doctor asked, poking his head out. "Compressed things, made people die by turning them into dolls? Remember that? It was so original!"

"It's not important-" The Master tried, but the Doctor was on a roll.

"Ooh, I've got a laser! Great for making cats run around! Look at me, I'm the Master! I've got a laser screwdriver and I'm not just compensating because I can't satisfy mares with my itty bitty little-!"

"THAT'S IT DOCTOR, YOU'RE GOING DOWN!" The Master roared, chasing the brown stallion around the gallery. The Doctor grinned cheekily back.

"Poor choice of words-!"

"_DIIIIE!"_

* * *

Twilight groaned as she pushed herself upright, shaking her head to clear it. Just as she'd managed to get her bearings back a silvery blue glow appeared around her tail, yanking it upwards. Twilight stared at the errant magic for a split second, and then made a show of rolling her eyes in exasperation.

"Oh, that's _real_ mature," she began. The magic didn't give her any time to finish before it pulled up harder, yanking Twilight off her feet and leaving her suspended in mid-air. "Gyah!"

"Oh this is _wonderful_ Twilight Sparkle," moaned Trixie as she hopped over to the floating unicorn, her face flushed and her tongue lolling out. "Your power feels so good! Trixie wants _more_."

"I'm glad I can help you feel better about yourself," grumbled Twilight, flailing all four of her little hooves in an attempt to dislodge the spell. "But you can't take any more of my magic, you broke your master's machine when you jumped him, remember?"

"Oh, Trixie remembers," said the blue unicorn huskily. Her eyes glazed over as she started to go into a flashback sequence, but then she shook her head and focused her half-lidded gaze on Twilight. "But that's fine! Trixie is sure there are other ways to get your power! And then the Great and Powerful Trixie will be completely unstoppable, and then Master will _have_ to make rough love to Trixie and call her a dirty pony..."

"Great! Just great, can this day get any worse?" Twilight asked.

"_GERONIMO!"_

The answer she received came from above, in the form of a blue, red, yellow and purple blur that divebombed Trixie. The blue unicorn cast a bubble shield spell, and the blur abruptly became Rainbow Dash as she bounced off the barrier.

"Rainbow Dash!" Twilight cried.

"Don't forget us!" Pinkie Pie cried, as she and Braeburn galloped into the room. Her grin was cut short as the Master unleashed several laser blasts in their direction, making them seek cover behind the convenient pillars. "Eep!"

"Sorry we're late! I got a little preoccupied!" Rainbow Dash admitted with a cheerful grin.

"And it totally wasn't because we had a threesome with Braeburn! EEP!" Pinkie ducked another shot from the Master. Twilight jumped out of the way of a force blast from Trixie, and returned one of her own that the blue unicorn absorbed. Dash tried attacking from above again, only to meet the magical barrier once more. She flew around the top of the dome at high speed, picking up momentum, before diving once again.

"Grab her you pathetic slag!" The Master shouted as he swung his laser screwdriver around, forcing Twilight to duck and their other friends to take cover. Trixie grinned and glowed, before she vanished in a burst of light. Dash gasped just before she slammed into the floor and bounced off, slamming into a stain glass window.

"OOF!" Dash cried. Twilight gasped and looked around.

"Where did she go-I-GAH!" Twilight was blasted into the far wall, slamming against it and slipping down to the floor. "Ooh..."

"You always seemed the type to take it hard from behind~," Trixie purred.

"Hahaha!"

"PINKIE!" Twilight growled.

"What? That was funny!" The pink pony said defensively.

"Trixie! You pitiful slut, stop foaling around and finish her off!" The Master bellowed.

"Couldn't I keep her as my sex pet that we take turns humiliating?" Trixie whined. "I mean, that's what you want for the Doctor, isn't it?"

"What?" The Master bellowed. "No it isn't-HEY!" He swung around to fire the laser screwdriver back at the Doctor, who had failed to sneak up on him. The brown stallion rolled out of the way and produced his own screwdriver. The Master snorted.

"I didn't take you for a fool, Doctor, but I allow for myself to be WRONG!" He roared, pointing his weapon at the Doctor and firing. Steam erupted in front of him, obscuring the brown stallion.

"NO!" Twilight cried, her eyes flashing with magical energy. "DOC... tor?"

Twilight's cry turned into a question, as the steam cleared. The Doctor shook out his mane and huffed, as the Master gaped.

"I... What? You... The steam-"

"Right. I used the sonic screwdriver to agitate the water vapor in the air to form clouds and dissipate the energy of the laser into harmless steam," the Doctor explained cheerfully. "Sorry, did I rob you of an explanation?"

"You... You...!" The Master growled. The Doctor grinned and smiled over at Twilight.

"See, ninety percent of a laser's energy is heat-"

"So you just need a conduit for the heat to dissipate away from you!" Twilight completed, grinning. "Of course! I-GAH!" She was blasted off her hooves into another wall.

"PAY ATTENTION TO ME!" Trixie bellowed as she charged her purple nemesis.

The Master snarled and fired his laser again, and clouds of steam issued forth from around the Doctor. He fired again, and again, but all that happened was that the obscuring mist became more plentiful. He then felt claws wrap around his neck as a baby dragon-sized weight settled on his back.

"Squeal little piggy," Spike growled into the time pony's ear.

"Ah! Trixie, Trixie you worthless carnival freak, HELP!" The Master shouted. "I should have spanked you before-hoof! I knew you would fail me!"

Trixie's pupils dilated. Her horn stood up straight and proud on her forehead, gleaming powerfully as her magical aura became engorged with energy. An ecstatic moan left the blue unicorn's mouth as magic spurted out of the horn and formed a long, throbbing beam.

"Yes... Yes! YES! The power feels _so good!_" Trixie wailed as she lowered her head and swept the beam of magic around the room, knocking ponies off their hooves left and right. The Master shrieked as the turgid spell clocked him upside the head and sent him and Spike tumbling.

The Doctor peeked out from behind a pillar. He used his sonic screwdriver to scan everypony, friend and ally alike, before galloping over to the stunned Twilight. "You all right?"

Twilight slowly turned to look at the Doctor. Her teeth were clenched and her eyes had gone wide, her entire body starting to tremble. Livid purple sparks were falling from the tip of her horn, but she didn't seem to actually be doing any magic with it.

"Uh... we have a problem..." Twilight panted. Her eyes started to glaze over and her next words came out as a throaty moan. "I think the connection is still active...!"

"Ah... Focus Twilight, focus!" The Doctor said quickly. "We're nearly there..." He looked over at the vault, where Big Macintosh had recovered and was hard at work bucking at the hinges. "You just need to hold out for a little longer and-!"

"_**YOU,"**_ Trixie snarled, magical energy radiating off her body. The Doctor slowly looked over his shoulder at the approaching Trixie.

"Oh hello," The Doctor said quickly with a grin. "You really don't want to do anything else to her, right? I mean you've already knocked your rival for a loop and shown her up, bravo! Good show, very good show!"

"Oh yes, the Great and Powerful Trixie always puts on a good show," she purred, her tail lashing her flanks as she practically pranced over to them. "But now Trixie wants to put on a show with Twilight Sparkle. Trixie has just the cutest tack and saddle for her to wear, too! Trixie knows Twilight has just the most beautiful voice, so Trixie is going to make her sing, and moan, and _scream Trixie's name_."

The Doctor stared. He looked up at the dome, then back at Twilight. He shook his head furiously and sighed.

"I'm very sorry about this, Twilight," he said solemnly. "I'm so sorry..." He turned to Trixie. Twilight blinked.

"What are you-?"

"Trixie! Please, spare Twilight such a... A horrible fate," the Doctor said, pleading with his big brown eyes. "Take me in her place!"

Twilight's eyes narrowed. "Don't you _dare_," she growled.

Trixie paused her advance, and seemed to consider it.

"Oh? What do _you_ have to offer _Trixie,_ mm?"

"No! Doctor, no!" Twilight hissed.

"I can do amazing things with my screwdriver-Twilight has said so herself," the Doctor continued. He waggled his eyebrows and grinned. "It's got five hundred settings for organics alone! It's far, _far_ better than the Master's." His grin gained a certain edge to it.

"You mean... That thing?" Trixie asked. "Or do you mean-?"

"Yes."

The unicorn cocked an eyebrow. "Trixie... is intrigued," she said slowly.

"No!" shouted Twilight, "no you're not! That's _my_ screwdriver! The Doctor uses it on me, not on cheap two-bit filly floozies!"

Trixie twitched and shivered on her hooves. Her face twisted into an angry scowl. "Call me that again," she snarled, breathing heavily, "call Trixie a floozy one more time you, you jumped up... no talent... soft-horned... _virgin_."

Twilight's eyes took on a harsh violet glow. The Doctor moved behind Twilight as she rose to her hooves via magic alone. Trixie's eyes widened as the purple unicorn's horn began pulsing with magic. The floor beneath them trembled and bits and pieces of debris began to rise into the air.

"_I am not a virgin!_" Twilight roared. Power erupted out of her like a fire hose, surging forward and slamming into Trixie's body.

Spike, who had managed to recover his senses, ran over to the Doctor as Twilight and Trixie engaged in a terrifically furious magical duel.

"Strange she objects to the last one," the Doctor said. Spike opened his mouth, a question on his lips... Then he thought better of it and asked another question.

"So your plan is for them to kill each other?" He asked dryly.

"That's a _terrible_ plan!" Pinkie Pie opined, as she emerged from a pillar. She giggled as she dashed back and forth between them, popping out from behind pillars that she hadn't ducked behind before. The Doctor shook his head.

"Hardly! It's just to keep our last obstacle occupied. I can trust Twilight not to use lethal force, and I don't think Trixie is the type either, now that the Master's out cold."

He, Pinkie and Spike galloped over to the vault as the elements clashed furiously behind them. Big Macintosh, Applejack, Rarity, Fluttershy, Soarin' and Braeburn emerged from their hiding spot behind the vault. Fluttershy had managed to untie herself, but Soarin's wings were still bound.

"Soarin'? How did you get untied?" Spike asked. The Wonderbolt looked over at Applejack, who blushed furiously. He coughed and shook his head.

"Ah... Not important right now."

"Definitely not!" Applejack said quickly. She looked the hinges of the vault over and grimaced. "Ah don't think we can do much more to try and pry 'er open, Doc!"

"Indeed! We just can't open it up!" Rarity said with a sigh. She eyed Big Macintosh. "Though it could be worse-"

"Watch it," Fluttershy growled. She blinked and blushed. "Um, I mean, if you please Rarity...?"

"What about a Sonic Rainboom? Maybe that would open it up!" Pinkie Pie suggested. The Doctor nodded.

"I believe it might! Now we just need Rainbow Dash to-"

"NOPONY TRIES TO HURT TWILIGHT AND GETS AWAY WITH IT!" Dash bellowed. All turned to see Rainbow Dash, freshly recovered from her encounter with the stained glass window, flying into the melee between Twilight and Trixie.

It didn't last long.

"WAAHHH!" Dash was blasted into the door of the vault, and she tumbled away from it on top of Big Macintosh. She groaned, and when her eyes opened they were pointing in different directions.

"Rainbow Dash! Are you all right?" Rarity asked.

"Wow! You look like Derpy! Or how you look after talking to Derpy for a while! Or me for a while! Or how me and Derpy look like after _we_ talk and-" Pinkie began but Braeburn shushed her with a kiss.

"Thank you," Spike sighed.

"Mmhm!" Braeburn replied cheerfully as Pinkie Pie return it eagerly.

The Doctor shined his screwdriver in the blue pegasus's eyes. He grimaced.

"Lovely. She's got a concussion from the whiplash," the Doctor sighed.

"Dun worry, I can still Boom Rainbow," Dash slurred. She tried to take off from Big Macintosh's back, but instead of her face meeting rushing air as she ascended, it met the floor. "Ow..."

"Oh... Oh my... Now what?" Fluttershy asked, nuzzling up to Big Macintosh. A crash of thunder went off, and Trixie was sent tumbling into a pillar. Twilight charged her and the two unicorns' horns flashed like swords. Rarity shrugged.

"Well! At least it can't get any worse, right?"

Pinkie Pie broke the kiss with Braeburn and gasped.

"Rarity! You _never_ say that!"

The purple maned unicorn huffed.

"Oh come now! Twilight already said that, and nothing _really_ terrible happened-"

_CRASH!_

From above, several familiar forms appeared flying in formation. The Shadowbolt Nightshade smirked wickedly.

"Is this a private party, or can anypony join?" She asked with a grin. The Doctor joined the others in glaring at a suddenly sheepish Rarity.

"Um.. Eheheh... Oopsie?"

* * *

**READ THIS:**

_Yeah, this fic is going to be a bit longer than anticipated. Sorry about the long delay. Health, weather, school-Real Life has a way of disrupting one's plans._

_Oh well. Next chapter should be out next week. Stay tuned!_

_And for those of you wondering, yes Twilight is a virgin. She just denied it on principle._


	13. Chapter 13

**Beating the Heat**

**or**

**Friendship is Kinky**

_**A My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction**_

**By Andrew J. Talon**

**DISCLAIMER:This is a non-profit fan-made work of prose. My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic is the property of Hasbro. Please support the official release.**

**Author's Note: I... REGRET... NOTHING!**

**And once again I must thank my excellent co-writer Friendly Uncle for his continuing contributions to this fic. Go read his stuff!**

**In addition, I would like to thank LuckyStampede for his contributions to this fic in the arena of brainstorming. He was a lot of help.**

* * *

Twilight blasting Trixie out of the dome of the great vault room did much to give the Shadowbolts a dramatic entrance, but it left our heros without their most powerful friend.

"What are they doing here?" Rarity cried.

"Oh! Oh! Me, me, I know! I know!" Pinkie Pie said, waving her hooves cheerfully. "They're here-"

"We're here for your stallions!" Nightshade declared with a smirk. Pinkie scowled up at her.

"I was gonna say it!"

"You're not gonna say anything when we've taken all your stallions!" crowed Natrix, "you're just going to cry, because we're going to take all the stallions for ourselves, and not... leave... any... for... did it get cold in here all of a sudden?"

The other two Shadowbolts drifted away as Natrix slowly turned to look behind her. Loops of Big Macintosh's ropes still hanging from her hooves, Fluttershy glared down at Natrix with eyes as cold and blue as chips of ice. The Shadowbolt made a choking noise in the back of her throat and backed away.

"All of the stallions?" said Fluttershy quietly.

Natrix turned to her fellow Shadowbolts for help, but they simply shrugged. Swallowing, she turned back to Fluttershy and nodded.

"_All_ of 'em," she growled.

"Eep," Pinkie Pie whimpered, moving behind Braeburn.

Fluttershy's eyes narrowed.

"Oh my," Rarity uttered, as it was quite elegant to be understated. She found cover behind Big Macintosh. Rainbow Dash blinked rapidly, and fell off of Big Macintosh's back.

"You... you... big... dumb... MEANIE!" Fluttershy was literally spitting with rage.

Somewhere behind her goggles, Natrix blinked in confusion. "What the hay are you- ACK!"

A yellow and pink blur struck the Shadowbolt full in the face and sent her careening across the room, slamming into pillars and bouncing off the floor. Natrix tried to pull herself back onto her hooves only to have an enraged Fluttershy hit her with a flying tackle. Giving up entirely in the adorable face of death itself, the Shadowbolt turned tail and attempted to flee, Fluttershy still clinging to her back and yanking on Natrix's mane with her teeth.

"HELP! She's in my hair! She's got my wings! My wings! In the name of Luna's plot somepony help me!"

Soarin' silently thanked Celestia for his Wonderbolts uniform, because he was more turned on at that moment than he had ever been before in his life.

"Well don't jest cower! GIT EM'!" Shouted Applejack. She swung her rope around the next nearest Shadowbolt, Velvet, and swung her into a pillar.

"GAH!" She cried. The Shadowbolt scowled at her and flapped her wings hard, lifting into the air. Applejack yanked back hard, growling through the rope in her teeth.

"Nnngh... Hngh...!" Unfortunately she was soon airborne, and Velvet flew around the room at high speed, swinging the orange mare behind her. "MMMMM!"

Soarin' frowned hugely. "Knockoff Wonderbolt wannabe messin' with my sorta marefriend? I don't think so!"

He leaped into the air, and immediately plowed into the floor when his wings remained tied firmly to his sides. Groaning, the pegasus jumped back up and strained at the ropes, trying to burst them with his wings. No such luck. Above him, Velvet made another turn around the room, Applejack's screaming muffled by the rope as she was whipped along behind her.

Soarin' made a worried noise in his throat and looked around. Not so much as a random shard of glass to cut the ropes with. He looked up at Velvet with a snarl as she continued screaming around the room, the wind whistling over the tips of her wings.

Soarin's eyes narrowed. He planted his hooves and crouched, eyeing the Shadowbolt carefully as she came around for another pass. Gathering his legs underneath himself, the Wonderbolt waited until the last minute and jumped.

Velvet let out a squawk of surprise as Soarin' appeared in the air almost in front of her, her flight path becoming erratic as she swerved to avoid him. As they passed, the slipstream of her wing brushed his side. And the sheer speed and pressure of the maneuver neatly severed the ropes.

"Yes!" crowed Soarin' as he spread his feathered appendages wide at last.

"MmmMMPH!" yelled Applejack as she plowed into the oblivious Pegasus.

"Aaaaiiieee!" screamed Velvet as the weight on her rope doubled and sent all three of them slamming into the ground.

* * *

Pinkie Pie had been watching all of this, and then turned to Nightshade with a scowl.

"I wanna fight too!" She whined. "I mean, we didn't even get to finish our fight from before!"

"No, we didn't," Nightshade grinned. A grin soon matched on Pinkie's face... And Braeburn's.

"Braeburn, what are you grinning about?" Pinkie asked curiously. The Apple farmer coughed.

"Uh... Well ah... Ah..."

"You're looking forward to watching me fight her, aren't you?" Pinkie said, in an almost accusatory tone. Braeburn looked back and forth between the Shadowbolt and his... His...

"Now hang on," said he, "we haven't even established what our relationship is, Pinkie!"

The pink pony's eyes widened, realization flooding her face. "Oh! You're right! Wanna be my coltfriend?"

"Sure as shootin'!" He said happily.

"THEN SHE CAN'T HAVE YOU!" Pinkie cried, jumping up onto Braeburn's back and leaping up onto the Shadowbolt.

"AH! OW! STOP BITING ME!" The Shadowbolt cried as she went into a corkscrew and flew off. Braeburn grinned as he watched... Until Rarity's tail smacked him in the back of the head.

"Stop gawking at your marefriend and help us!" The purple maned beauty huffed.

"Rainbow?" said the Doctor, putting away his sonic screwdriver. "Can you hear me? How many hooves am I holding up?"

"French toast?" the pegasus managed.

"Rainbow Dash, you have to focus!" the Doctor barked, "Ponies are getting hurt here! ...a Wonderbolt is getting hurt!"

Rainbow's eyes rolled into focus, then hardened into a glare.

"Oh not on my watch!" she yelled, "No pony assaults the Wonderbolts while I'm around!"

She launched herself into the air, then let out a sharp cry as her progress was arrested by the Doctor's hoof pinning her tail to the floor.

"No, no, the others can handle that!" said the Doctor, pausing to look around at the melee, "... I think. I need you to do something for me, Rainbow Dash! Something only you can do!"

Rainbow whined as she watched Velvet bucking Soarin' into a pillar, then shook her head and turned to the Doctor. "Whatcha need?"

"I need you to fly back to Ponyville," he answered.

Rainbow Dash's expression spoke far more eloquently than she ever could just how thrilled she was with that plan. The Doctor forestalled the inevitable tirade with a hoof to her lips. The physical contact made Dash's eye, and other parts of her, twitch.

"I need you to get something for me," he elaborated, "it's behind the library... I think. Or it might be behind the Town Hall. ...or... maybe I left it in the basement... look there's no time to worry about that now! You'll know it when you see it, it's blue and square and it's bigger on the inside than it is on the outside and it has 'Police' on the outside in big white letters. I need you to get inside it, find the control panel, and hit the button that says 'Do Not Touch'."

Rainbow raised an eyebrow. "Why am I pushing this button, now?"

"Because it told you _not_ to."

She considered this for a long moment, then nodded solemnly.

"Good enough for me. I'll be there in ten seconds flat!"

She took off like a missile, and without the Doctor to stop her this time the pegasus became a streak of rainbow colors that shattered a window and stretched off into the distance. A loud boom sounded as Rainbow once again made the sound barrier her mare. Big Macintosh winced as he looked at the pile of broken stained glass she'd left behind.

"Ah hope the Princess don't mind us wreckin' her castle," he said.

"I wouldn't worry," said Rarity, "The ponies in that window were upside down anyway."

* * *

"Doctor? Any ideas for how to get the vault open now?" Spike asked flatly, as the brawl continued in the background. The brown stallion rubbed his chin.

"Well, if the TARDIS doesn't get here in time..."

"What? What?" Spike asked. He turned and gaped. "What?"

"You don't have to be so melodramatic, it's really not tha-AH!" The Doctor was shoved out of the way of a sizzling laser shot by Spike, and sent crashing to the floor. The brown stallion got back up and sighed.

"You're really very stubborn about this killing me thing, aren't you?" He asked wearily of the Master. The blonde pony sneered as he staggered towards him.

"I always am," the Master said.

"Right then, tally ho!" The Doctor turned and galloped away for the hallway, the Master in hot pursuit. Spike made to follow.

"Spike! I need your help, please!" Rarity insisted. Spike turned back to see Rarity still valiantly thrusting her horn in and out, in and out...

"Of course! Right away!" Spike said quickly.

* * *

Natrix panted heavily as she pumped her wings harder, straining to move faster as she shot towards the broken window, and freedom. She was almost there, she was so close, she was so close...

A weight attached itself to her tail, and Natrix dropped like a stone, moaning in horror as she hit the ground, and the pegasus that was biting her tail pounced, pinning her to the floor. Fluttershy cackled as she stood over the helpless Shadowbolt, her eyes wide and crazed with a combination of frustration, lust, and deep-seated emotional issues. Natrix cringed as she imagined bolts of lightning crackling behind the maniacal pegasus and her horrible staring eyes.

"No!" the Shadowbolt yelped, "please, I'm sorry! I'll let you have the stallions! Just leave me alone!"

Fluttershy's laughter faded as she looked down at Natrix's trembling form. Her wild glare softened as she quickly jumped off of her victim and started nuzzling her cheek as comfortingly as she was able.

"Oh no, I did it again! Oh I'm so sorry are you alright? It's okay, I'm not going to hurt you! ...anymore. Oh dear, Fluttershy you're such a bad pony! Oh there there, don't cry, please don't cry..."

Natrix pulled her hooves away from her face, staring at the vanilla-pudding colored pegasus in slack-jawed awe. "Wha... what do you mean you're not going to hurt me!"

"I'm not," said Fluttershy, tears brimming in the corners of her eyes, "I promise I'm not. I'm so sorry, I just got so carried away and this heat has been so awful and then you started talking about taking away my stallions and I just let it all build up, and, and I'm so sorry can you ever forgive me?"

Natrix gawked at Fluttershy. The other pegasus smiled as gently as she could, her big blue eyes going round and shiny as she snuggled meekly against the Shadowbolt's cheek. A wandering bird wandered through the broken window and just happened to alight on Fluttershy's head ear, puffing itself into an adorable ball of feathery sweetness.

Then Natrix punched Fluttershy in the face as hard as she could.

"NO!" she shouted as she got up, "I don't forgive you, you crazy pony! I'm going to get some stallion today if it _kills_ me!"

Fluttershy took a few steps back, her entire body trembling. When she raised her head back up to look at Natrix there was a long streak of blood trickling out of her nose and down her chin. Tears streaked down the sides of her face, and then fell into her mouth as it opened into an unnaturally wide smile. Fluttershy's glazed, bloodshot eyes Stared into the core of Natrix's soul, freezing the pegasus on the spot as the yellow Pegasus slowly stepped closer.

_"I can arrange that,"_ she whispered.

Somewhere in the depths of Natrix's mind, she screamed.

A large hoof with a red fetlock settled gently on Fluttershy's shoulder.

"Nope," said Big Mac succinctly.

Fluttershy's head jerked around at the touch. _"Macintosh?"_ she warbled, _"It's okay, I just have to get rid of her and then we can go do... things."_ She giggled.

Big Mac took in a deep breath and looked Fluttershy square in the eyes.

"No."

The pegasus twitched.

_"But she... she's so... MEAN."_

"Fluttershy," said Mac carefully, willing his body to stop trembling as he put both of his forehooves on her shoulders, "this is what we talked about. Yer all worked up. Let it go."

Fluttershy turned to look at Natrix, who was still frozen solid. She turned back to Big Mac, and she was crying harder now, the grimace slowly melting off her face.

"They're all so mean... why do they have to be so mean? Why can't we just... _get along_...?"

The big farm pony patted her gently, waiting until she looked down at the floor to risk giving her a quick nuzzle. "It'll be okay," he said again, "just let it all out. Let it flow."

Fluttershy leaned her forehead against Big Mac's barrel of a chest and sobbed. He rubbed her back and turned to look at Natrix, who was starting to twitch.

"Y'all better got on outta here ma'am," he drawled, "she's really a good filly, but she's been through quite a lot today. I would not advise continuing to push yer luck."

"...she's not the only one," muttered Natrix, scuffing her hooves on the floor. "I just wanted some nookie! Is that so wrong!"

"I'll..." Fluttershy sniffled. "I mean... I'm willing to share," she mumbled.

"What," said Natrix and Big Mac.

"I mean, if Big Macintosh doesn't mind," she said, with just a hint of a smile.

"...NO!" Natrix screeched, "no sharing! I want a stallion for me! Mine! All mine! Mine _mine **mine**_!"

Big Mac started to tense up as Fluttershy sighed. "Are you sure we can't talk about this?" she asked.

"Yes I'm _sure_!"

"Oh. Alright then."

The stained glass window next to the one that rainbow Dash had flown through shattered into a million multicolored pieces as Natrix hurtled through it, wailing in terror as she sailed into the air and dropped towards the great white waterfalls far below them. Screaming curses that would have made Princess Celestia blush, the Shadowbolt pulled up out of her dive and flew away as quickly as her irregularly beating wings could carry her.

"See, what I really wanted to do was twist her head off," Fluttershy commented, "but I thought that would have been going too far. Was this alright instead?"

"...eeeeyup," said Big Mac, who was too terrified to say anything else.

* * *

"My hero," Applejack grumbled as she pushed Soarin' off of herself and scrambled onto her hooves, working her jaw to make sure it hadn't been dislocated during her ride.

"Hey, I got myself untied!" said Soarin' as he hopped upright, "you've got a Wonderbolt on your side now! I am a flying, flank-kicking, pie-eating machine! That crazy mare doesn't stand a chance!"

"Yeah, whatever," Applejack muttered in response, "y'all couldn't even take Spike."

Soarin' blinked, looking back and forth between Applejack and the aforementioned baby dragon, who seemed to be petting Rarity's tail encouragingly while she earnestly horned the friendship out of Celestia's vault.

"What?"

"You know, when he was forty stories tall and terrorrizin' Ponyville," she elaborated, "y'all came screamin' down outta the sky and didn't do anything but give him a bad haircut. Some heroes."

The Wonderbolt's jaw literally hit the ground. "THAT WAS HIM?"

"He got better."

"Well, yeah, but... I mean..." Soarin' sputtered, "he was a lot bigger then!"

Applejack just looked at him.

"So uh, are we gonna fight or what?" asked Velvet, hovering above them. "'Cause if you two were just gonna argue then Soarin' and I could go do something instead. _IfyouknowwhatImean_."

"You keep your hooves to yourself!" growled Applejack, "Only pie he's eatin' is mine!"

"Oh yeah?"

Velvet shot towards the earth pony in a blur of motion. Applejack whirled to buck her out of the air, but the pegasus easily avoided the blow, causing Applejack to overbalance and tumble head over hooves onto the floor. Velvet rose back into the air behind her, Applejack's stetson perched on her head, cackling gleefully.

"I don't think you can keep up with him!"

Soarin' divebombed the Shadowbolt from above, whooping. "I don't think you can keep up with me either!"

Velvet grinned and ducked under the tackle, grabbing Soarin's tail in her teeth and shooting upwards. Soarin' yelped and spun in mid-air, losing his balance and landing on the floor next to Applejack with a thump. Velvet started flying rings around them, laughing.

"I'm here to kick flank and eat hay! And we're all out of hay!"

"Alright," said Applejack, "Now ah am annoyed. Bad enough she's tryin' to take mah stallion, but nopony, and I mean nopony, touches mah dang hat."

"...hey!" said Soarin'.

"Don't be sore sugarcube, I've known the hat longer. Now you get to your wings and keep her busy. I got an idea."

"Keep her busy? How am I supposed to do that!"

"You're the Wonderbolt! Improvise!"

Velvet got bored and shot towards them again. Soarin' leaped into the air just in time to avoid the attack, slapping his tail against the Shadowbolt's haunch as he went. Velvet let out a small cry and whipped around to follow him, grinning evilly.

"Oh, you wanna be like that, huh? Mama like!"

Soarin' made a rude gesture with his primaries and banked hard, curling around one of the pillars and heading back towards Velvet. She squealed in delight and rushed towards him, wings pumping madly. At the last second Soarin' ducked underneath her, leaving Velvet to air brake hard before she put herself through a window.

"Not getting rid of me that easily!" she crowed as she turned around for another pass. Soarin' narrowed his eyes and smiled, bouncing off another pillar and shooting right back at her, the wind whistling dangerously over his wings. Velvet curled her wings and rolled as she flew at him, a whirlwind forming around her body.

The Wonderbolt snorted and twitched to the left. His wings sliced through the mini tornado like a hot knife through butter. Velvet let out a short scream of frustration as she turned again, and then let out another shout as she saw Soarin' now sporting a stetson hat.

"Hey, that's mine!" she whined, "I stole it from the dumb hick pony fair and square, just like I'm going to steal you!"

"Yeah?" said Soarin', "well I stole it back. Come and get it. And me."

Velvet licked her lips and shot forward, eager to accept his challenge. And as she felt a sickening tug around her middle, she realized two things. One, she'd never bothered to take off the rope that Applejack had lassoed her with, and two, the earth pony had just tied the other end of it to a supporting pillar.

"Oh buck me," she groaned, just before her momentum sent her spinning around the pillar. The rope wound tight and Velvet slammed into the pillar before falling to the ground with a thud. Whereupon the dizzy pegasus threw up and passed out.

"You know what?" said Soarin' as he landed and flipped Applejack's hat back onto her head, "that was a good idea."

"Thanks," said Applejack, "and you're not too bad at the hero thing, if it comes to it."

"Thanks."

They had some quick victory makeouts, and then went to see how Rarity was doing.

* * *

The rooftops of Canterlot Palace ranged from vast flat stretches of concrete and marble to steep sloping tower tops and arched ceilings. Connecting them were numerous skyways, open and closed, that made an elegant web of passageways that could only truly be appreciated from above.

Indeed, Twilight was very much appreciating them for one important reason.

"You irritating egomaniac!" Twilight snarled as she tore one skyway out between the buildings, smashed it with her magic, and fired the debris off like a mine blowing shrapnel. Trixie teleported out of the way, returning fire with her own torn skyway she'd torn from between the Wonderbolt quarters and the Museum of Not-Quite-Modern-But-Not-Quite-Classic-Art. Which may have helped to explain why the passageway was covered on one side and open on the other.

The stones flew furiously between them, each mare nimbly dodging or blocking the other's attacks.

"Irritating egomaniac? You pathetic sexy wellspring of inane aesops!" Trixie shouted back. "You firm flanked financially foiling foal! You ruined my life! I've been unable to get any good work since you exposed my fraud!"

"It was Snips and Snails who did that! I just cleaned up their mess you inspired!" Twilight shot back angrily.

"Yes, but they're not as _sexy_!" Trixie bellowed back, unleashing a blast of fireworks from her horn that shot in every direction, before converging on Twilight like a thousand perfectly guided bees. The shots struck their mark, exploding in a shower of sparks and smoke. Trixie cackled.

"Only a unicorn such as yourself could ever be considered my rival!"

"Just because of how sexy I am?" Asked a voice right next to her ear. Trixie gasped and shuddered, obviously not in fright. "Well, I'm very flattered. However-"

_BOOM!_

Trixie was sent flying into another skyway, and projected a shield that saved her from serious injury. She got back to her hooves from the mess she had been lying in. She looked up to see Twilight teleport a few meters away from her with a smile.

"That's not enough for a serious rivalry," she growled. Trixie smirked.

"Good thing I'm going to have your Doctor now then, isn't it?" She simpered. Twilight's eyes flashed in rage, and power crackled around her glowing eyes like crows feet.

Trixie responded by galloping up to her and kissing her. Twilight's eyes bugged out.

"Mmph?"

A wave of force erupted from Trixie, and the kiss broke as the purple unicorn was sent tumbling end over end into the next building. She smashed into what felt like an enormous marble statue, her magic protecting her from serious injury but the shock of the fall to the floor stunning her.

"Nngh..." Twilight rose on shaky legs, forcing her head up. Through the archway came Trixie, prancing in her smugness. The tip of her horn glowed brightly, and there was the smell of ozone. Twilight's eyes widened as she took in their surroundings-A marble domed room with a very large marble statue of the parents of Luna and Celestia, the mighty Orbash of Dark and Tau Sunflare of Light.

"Trixie, wait! Don't!" Twilight shouted.

Trixie's response was a powerful lightning strike, flashing through the hall with a crack and rumble as Twilight's shields flared to contain the bolt. The purple unicorn was left shaking from the force, and winced as she heard creaking from the ceiling above.

"You can't do that!" Twilight cried. "You might bring the whole thing down on us-!"

_CRACKABOOM!_

Another lightning strike, and Twilight managed to deflect it. Unfortunately, the bolt struck the head of Orbash, and it fell down for the floor. Twilight sprang out of the way as the head, which was as big as her entire body, smashed down scant inches behind her.

"Oof!" She cried as she lost her footing and slid on the polished floor, spinning around until she hit the far wall. "Ah!"

"Heheheh... I think the only threat around here is me," Trixie purred as she trotted slowly for her opponent. Twilight opened her eyes and groaned, shaking her head clear of her daze.  
She pushed herself back up and glared death at Trixie, who laughed it off.

"I believe it's time to end this," she hissed as her aura exploded into a cascade of light and color. "The big finale...!"

"GERONIMOOOO!" Shouted somepony from above. Trixie looked up in astonishment as a brown colt fell from the catwalk circling the dome above. He was gritting his teeth as he fell, the wind whipping through his mane, his eyes narrowed against the force of the air, his legs spread wide to slow himself down-

_WHAM!_

-but not enough as he hit the marble floor with painful force.

"Oof!" The Doctor groaned. "Owww..."

Trixie gaped in disbelief for a moment, before she let out a little laugh. Especially as the Doctor's sonic screwdriver fell after him and bounced off his head.

"Derp! Ow! Ow!" The Doctor cried as his sonic rolled over to the shocked Twilight.

"Heheheheh... Hahahahaha!" Trixie snickered. "Well! I'll give you this, Doctor. You're persistent!" She gave him a cruel grin. "If not quite as clever as I was led to believe."

"Ah... Heh... You're quite right about that," the Doctor groaned, managing to look up at her. "About both... I am not very clever."

He grinned.

"But I know a pony who is."

In that instant, Twilight snapped into action. The screwdriver ascended into the air thanks to her magic, turned towards Trixie, and snapped on with a loud, shrill buzz. Trixie gasped, her red cheeks growing darker, as her flanks trembled.

"Oh... Ohhhh... Oh m-myyyy... CELESTIAAAAA!" She shrieked as she fell onto the floor. The screwdriver kept buzzing, and over and over again Trixie squealed in delight.

"AAHHHH! EEEEYAHAHHH! OH SETH _YESSSS_!"

The Doctor got back up onto his hooves, wincing a bit as he stretched. "Ooh... Ow... That left a mark," he mumbled.

"So, that was your plan?" Twilight asked as she trotted up next to him. "Drop in on me, get me the screwdriver and...?"

"'Sonic' her until she passed out?" The Doctor asked, grinning as Trixie squealed in delight. "Yes... I had to get away from the Master somehow."

"So you jumped down a forty foot tall drop," Twilight said calmly. The Doctor smiled.

"Eeyup."

Twilight took a few deep breaths, and pressed her face against his as Trixie shrieked bloody murder, pounding her hooves on the marble.

"That's so stupid, it's brilliant," she hissed into his ear. The Doctor blushed heavily and cleared his throat as he adjusted his tie.

"Ah... Well... Yes, yes it is. It's more of my usual, actually..."

"I really, really hope something interrupts us before I jump you now," Twilight admitted softly, chewing on his ear. He trembled.

"Ah... Y-You don't seem like you do..."

"Oh, if only you knew, Doctor, just what it is I have planned," Twilight purred.

"DOCTOR!" A flash of laser energy struck the floor, and the two ponies dashed behind the head of Orbash for cover, leaping over the twitching, squealing Trixie.

The Master scowled at them down from the catwalk, and fired several more shots. Both ponies hunkered down, as heat flashed above and around them.

"Unfortunately we still have that problem," the Doctor admitted. He took hold of the screwdriver from Twilight and buzzed it at the Master. Twilight gasped.

"Does that setting work on him?"

"No, his own screwdriver repels my sonic," the Doctor grimaced. "Besides, I think it'd send the wrong message-"

"I AM NOT GAY!" The Master bellowed. "WHEN I KILL YOU, DOCTOR, I WILL TAKE THAT BLUE STRUMPET AND MOUNT HER UNTIL SHE CAN NO LONGER WALK NOR REMEMBER HER _IRRITATING NAME_!"

"H-Hooray...!" Trixie weakly gasped.

"SHUT UP YOU PIECE OF TRASH!" The Master screamed. He fired his laser at her, though to the relief of the Doctor and Twilight it seemed to just stun her.

"Yes Masterrr...!" Trixie moaned as she passed out.

"What about magic? Would that get through?" Twilight asked.

"Possibly," the Doctor allowed. "But he might have a spare."

"Do you?" Twilight asked. The Doctor grinned.

"Of course I do! But two of them aren't going to make much difference-"

A laser flash went off right above their heads, and they saw that the Master had made it down the stairs to ground level and was firing at them. They vaulted over the head of Orbash again, heat flashing through the air above them.

"I could shoot marble at his head-"

"Yeah, but you might kill him," the Doctor said. Twilight frowned.

"Good point... Doctor!" Her eyes widened in realization. The Doctor grinned.

"Yes?"

"You said ninety percent of the energy of the laser is in the form of heat, correct?" She asked shrewdly.

"Exactly," the Doctor said with a nod.

"Which means..."

"Which means, your pretty little head will go up like an oil soaked barn," the Master hissed, holding the screwdriver up to Twilight's head. The unicorn's eyes widened as the Master grinned.

"Sneaky as always, Master," the Doctor said.

"You're both distracted by your own animalistic urges," the Master sniffed. "You are all animal now. You're so weak, your will devoured!"

"So... Maybe you can just let us go, so I can meet you in battle when I'm better prepared?" The Doctor asked. The Master smirked.

"I don't think so," he hissed. The Doctor sighed.

"All right... Then take me instead," he replied calmly. He got up. The Master scowled.

"Take you?"

"I'm the one you want, right?" The Doctor asked, holding his hooves up. "All our games, all our battles... It's about you and me, nopony else."

"You're quite right, Doctor," the Master replied, taking hold of Twilight's hair and yanking on it.

"Ow!" Twilight winced as she was pulled away. "Ow! Let me go!" She struggled, her bangs getting mussed as they covered her horn. The Master savagely yanked on it again.

"Shut it!" He kept the laser on her, and his eyes on the Doctor. He grinned. "You really think I'll settle for just you as my prisoner, Doctor? Where have you been in all our confrontations?" He smirked and prodded Twilight's head with his weapon. "I could not destroy you. You complete me. A cosmos without the Doctor scarcely bears thinking about."

"Oh come on, this is why people are always talking about us!" The Doctor huffed. The Master sneered.

"Oh no! You can't try distracting me with that bunk again!"

"Nngh! I don't think it's bunk so much as reality, and your denial isn't help-AH!" Twilight yelped as the Master yanked harder on her hair. He smirked at her, and then at the Doctor.

"Pathetic... As in all our other confrontations, you would sacrifice everything, everything, for a mare," he hissed. "Fight to the end of the universe, face the Daleks, you make me sick."

"Then do it! Just do it! You want to hurt him, you want to twist him! Kill me and there's nobody between you two anymore!" Twilight gasped. The Doctor's eyes widened.

"Twilight, no!"

"Kill me, go ahead! I'm the only thing standing in your way!" Twilight goaded. "You pathetic... Um... Occupier of a closet!"

The Master snarled. "You're the pathetic one!" He tossed her away, leaving her sprawled on the floor. "But if you insist..."

He lowered the laser screwdriver and pointed it at her heart as her was was still bowed.

"No! MASTER NO!" The Doctor yelled as the Master fired.

_ZZZZ-BANG!_

"AH! AAAHHH!" The Master screamed, holding his badly burnt mouth as the laser screwdriver fell from his teeth to the floor. He turned to his left, just in time for the Doctor's back hooves to fill his vision.

The force of the blow sent him down, moaning on the marble floor. The Doctor panted for breath, and trotted over to the shaking Twilight. He pressed the side of his head to hers, and helped her up.

"Steady, steady," he murmured. She trembled a bit, but lifted her head to reveal a face free of fear. "You all right?" He asked.

Twilight smiled. "Y-Yeah," she said, with a nervous laugh. "I'm all right..."

"What did you...?" He picked up the laser screwdriver, his keen eyes analyzing the burnt weapon. Twilight smiled and spoke.

"I thought about what you said. That most of a laser's output energy is heat. That means the device would need some kind of radiator system. I used a little magic to identify it while he was firing at us..."

"And when he was close enough, you sabotaged it," the Doctor finished with a grin, tucking the laser screwdriver into his pocket. Twilight smiled impishly.

"Always have to have the last word," she teased. The Doctor grinned and shrugged.

"Well, I have a lot of practice with it," he admitted with a grin. She stole a kiss, and turned to the whimpering Master.

"What do we do with him?" Twilight asked. The Doctor frowned, and looked over at Trixie. The blue unicorn was waking up slowly, moaning softly. The brown stallion grinned.

"I've got an idea," he said. Twilight hummed.

"Is it an incredibly cruel idea?" She asked. The Doctor smirked.

"Do you have to ask?"

"I guess not," Twilight returned cheerfully.

There was a rumble, and a surge of magical power that seemed to shake the foundations of the room. The Doctor looked around, frowning, as Twilight's eyes widened in horror.

"That sort of sound is almost never a good one," he mumbled.

"It isn't," Twilight gulped.

"Then what is it?" He asked. Twilight galloped up the stairs to the catwalk above, the Doctor following. They exited the dome and looked out upon the vastness of Canterlot. From a tower to the north, a great blue and purple comet erupted and made in the direction of the Vault of the Elements. Twilight and the Doctor looked at each other.

"Run?" He asked.

"Teleport," she countered.

"Much better," the Doctor said. "But first..."

When they reached the downstairs area again, they saw that the Master was still whimpering on the floor. A healing spell was applied to him, and the Master proceeded to use his restored mouth to bawl them out as he was tied up.

"You haven't won! Not yet! You can't hold me, I'll find a way to get you both back! Your biggest mistake is your kindness, Doctor! You both are too nice, and it will lead you to your ruin!"

"I don't think so," the Doctor said. He smiled quite wickedly. "Indeed, while I may be on the side of the angels... I'm not very nice."

"And neither am I," Twilight added. Her horn lit up, and Trixie reawakened. She looked around blearily, but soon locked onto the Master. She grinned.

"Finally...!"

The blonde stallion's eyes widened.

"Masterrrr," Trixie moaned, getting up and stalking towards him like a lion in for the kill.

"No... No, you-You can't, you can't... Not again! Not like this!"

"Fare thee well, Master! And please, invite me to the wedding," the Doctor said with a grin. "_Allon~sy_!"

"NOOOOO-!"

He and Twilight teleported away.

* * *

Pinkie Pie whooped and hollered as she rode Braeburn, her hips gyrating in time to the movement of his powerful legs. "Woohoo!" she yelled, panting, "Harder! Faster! Harder!"

"Not that I'm complainin' now," Braeburn said as he galloped around the room, Pinkie perched on his back, "but ain't this supposed to be a fight?"

"Yeah!" said Nightshade, who was flying alongside them, "One minute she's hanging on to me and then the next she's riding you and- _AAAAAAHGETITOFFGETITOFF!"_

Braeburn skidded to a halt, whirling around in confusion as Nightshade veered away, his marefriend clinging tenaciously to her face. He glanced back at his own back again to confirm that Pinkie had indeed transferred from himself to the pegasus, and then looked back over to the two mares as Nightshade carried both of them through yet another window. His ears laid back over his skull in consternation.

"... ah am gonna need some hard cider after this," Braeburn muttered. "Hate to leave all the fightin' to my lady, but if ah can't fly or teleport or whatever what am ah supposed to do? Wish there were some pies around here."

Another window shattered, and this time Pinkie Pie came tumbling through it alone. She landed in a roll and jumped back upright none the worse for wear, even though she had to pause briefly and shake broken glass out of her fur. Grinning, she hopped over to Braeburn with her tail held high and a swatch from Nightshade's uniform between her teeth.

"I got her!" Pinkie squealed. Braeburn couldn't help matching her wide smile with one of his own.

"Ya sure did Sugar Pie, good job."

Pinkie's smile settled a little, and her eyes closed halfway, turning smoky. Braeburn again copied her expression as he leaned in towards her. The space between them diminished rapidly. Their muzzles touched. Their lips met. Pinkie's tail and left hind leg started twitching.

"Gasp! Braeburn, duck!"

He paused in their kiss and furrowed his brow. "Ducks? Aw Sugar Pie, we ain't even anywhere near a pond."

Showing remarkable forethought, Nightshade came through one of the windows that was already broken this time. Slamming into Braeburn and knocking the wind out of him while knocking him off his hooves, the Shadowbolt took off into the air with him. Her mane grazed the ceiling as she flapped her wings madly, cackling with evil delight.

"Yes!" she shouted, "and now you're all mine, sweet thing! Let's loose these crazy ponies and have hot mid-air nookie!"

"You know, I'm really flattered," said the pony Nightshade was carrying, "but I'm kind of in a relationship right now? I'd have to ask if he's into that."

Nightshade screeched to a halt in mid-air and craned her neck around to see Pinkie Pie slung over her back and waving.

"...how did you do that?"

"Do what?"

Braeburn leaped into the air and seized Nightshade's tail in his teeth. The pegasus made a "Bwah!" sound and dropped, all three ponies falling to the ground in a sweaty, bedraggled heap. Nightshade crawled out from under Pinkie Pie and struggled to her feet, panting heavily.

"You are so insane it makes the world around you insane too!" she wailed, jumping into the air. Shooting around the room in a board arc, she turned around and launched herself at the pink earth pony, laughing hysterically.

"... I think I broke her," Pinkie commented as she stood up. "What are we going to do Braeburn? I don't know how to fight a pony that's as crazy as I am!"

"Hard for me to keep up with a pony that fast," Braeburn panted, "if'n ah had a pie to throw she'd be pegged for sure."

Pinkie's face lit up.

"AH KEEL YEEEEEWWWW!" screamed Nightshade as she sailed towards them, still giggling like a madpony.

"Braeburn!" yelled Pinkie Pie as she hopped into the air, "Fast pie special!"

Braeburn understood instantly. Whirling around, he kicked up his back legs just as Pinkie fell towards him, their back hooves making brief contact. Grunting, the frontierspony bucked as hard as he could.

A strong set of legs were the Apple family's pride and joy. Pinkie Pie shot forward like a fuzzy pink bullet, grinning madly. Nightshade's own maniacal smile faded as they rocketed towards each other. Deciding that discretion was the better part of valor, the Shadowbolt spread her wings and braked hard. Just in time for Pinkie to clothesline her out of the air.

Braeburn turned around and rushed in the direction he'd sent his marefriend. She met him coming the other way a second later, hopping towards him and grinning hugely with her tail held high and Nightshade's unconscious form slung over her back.

"I got her!" Pinkie squealed. Braeburn smiled.

* * *

"Con. Found. This. Door!" Rarity snarled as she continued to thrust her glowing horn rhythmically into the vault's lock. "Open, curse you! Open! Your resistance only makes my horn harder!"

"Uh, Rarity?" said Spike, wiping drool off his chin, "You've been... doing... that... for a while. Maybe we should try something else?"

"I will not be defeated by a door, no matter how tastefully decorated!" Rarity asserted. She did stop and pull out, though, panting a little as she glared up at the lock she'd been violating. It didn't seem to have been affected.

"I'm doing something wrong," mused the fashionista. "Also this is starting to chafe. Spike, could you be a dear and find me some lube?"

The baby dragon fainted.

"Oh dear," said Fluttershy as she floated over, Big Macintosh following along. "It still won't open?"

"It won't budge!" Rarity admitted with a sigh, "and I've been thrusting into it until I'm raw."

Big Mac's eye twitched.

"Maybe you're not supposed to move after all?" asked Applejack as Soarin' walked over to the group. The others stared at her. With a sigh, the farm pony hopped off of Soarin's back.

"I mean," she elaborated, "when Celestia opened the door, she just stuck her horn in and she did her magic thing and it popped open! Maybe you just don't have enough mojo?"

"But Twilight couldn't open it either!" said Fluttershy, "and she's the most powerful unicorn we know!"

"It's not all about power," Rarity muttered, "just because I don't have as much magic as Twilight doesn't mean I can't do just as much with it."

"Is there a way for you two to both put your horns in there?" asked Soarin'. "Could you double team it?"

"Hey," said Pinkie Pie as she trotted over, "does anypony else hear that?"

"Y'all are goin' about this all wrong," commented Braeburn as he arrived with Pinkie, "of course the door's gonna be the strongest part of the vault, that's the whole point. Ya need to go after the walls."

"Hear what?" asked Applejack.

"The spell goes all the way around," Rarity explained to Braeburn, "the only point where it's supposed to open is that lock, that's where we have to focus on."

"It's kind of like a screaming sound," said Pinkie, her ears twitching rapidly, "I think somepony is yelling really loud..."

"I'm going to join them in a moment!" said Rarity, pounding her hoof on the door.

"Can we get the princess?" asked Big Mac, "ah figgered she'd have planned for this, but maybe it really does have to be her."

"You know, now that you mention it, I do hear something," said Soarin'.

"The Princess is kind of busy isn't she?" said Fluttershy, "she's trying to hold off... all those... no, I can do this. She's holding off all those stallions. There! I did it!"

"Eep!" said Braeburn.

"Oh my goodness I'm so sorry!"

A blinding flash of violet light appeared behind them. The magic faded as quickly as it came, depositing a very sweaty Twilight Sparkle and a limping Doctor into the room. The unicorn's eyes were wide with panic.

"Guys!" screamed Twilight breathlessly. "Guys! We've got a problem!"

"Ah'll say we do," said Applejack, "mah ears are ringin' and this dang door still ain't open!"

"No, new problem!" said the Doctor, "bigger problem!"

"If we don't get this door open I'm going to start making hot nasty pony love to Big Macintosh right here in front of all of you," panted Rarity, "what could possibly be any worse than that!"

"Eeeew!" moaned Applejack.

Then the ceiling exploded.

**_"FORSOOTH, MY BELOVED SERVANTS AND SUBJECTS!"_** Princess Luna cried as she descended from on high. **_"THOU WILL ALL BE MINE! FROM THIS NIGHT, TO THE END OF TIME!"_** She grinned lecherously.

**_"LET THE FORNICATION BEGIN!"_**

* * *

_To be concluded..._


	14. Chapter 14

**Beating the Heat**

**or**

**Friendship is Kinky**

_**A My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction**_

**By Andrew J. Talon**

**DISCLAIMER:This is a non-profit fan-made work of prose. My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic is the property of Hasbro. Please support the official release.**

**Author's Note: I... REGRET... NOTHING!**

**And once again I must thank my excellent co-writer Friendly Uncle for his continuing contributions to this fic. Go read his stuff!**

**In addition, I would like to thank LuckyStampede for his contributions to this fic in the arena of brainstorming. He was a lot of help.**

* * *

Rainbow Dash shot forth down for what she could identify as Ponyville. It was a relatively easy bit of navigation-So easy, in fact, she nearly overshot it twice. She decided to circle above the town and look close for anything blue-That was easy and she didn't see quite so many... Towns.

"Ugh... Geez," she muttered. "It's like trying to find a blue... Thingy... In a big yellow and green... Thingy!"

She continued to circle, managing to stay above the roofs of the buildings. Frankly she could survive it but she didn't like the idea of spending any more time than she had to unconscious. Or running into things.

"Hey Rainbow Dash!" Greeted a cheerful voice from above. Rainbow Dash looked up and saw the smiling face of Ditzy Doo flying above her.

"Ditzy? What are you doing here?"

"Well I've gone from cameo to fanservice!" She said. "By the way, how do you like my voice?"

Rainbow Dash stared at her partner in weather management. "It's... The same as always?"

"_Exactly_!" Ditzy said with a little smirk. "Anyway, what are you looking for?"

"The Doctor's blue box thing," Dash replied with a groan. "I can't find it anywhere!"

"Oh! That's all? It's right down there," Ditzy said, pointing at a blue box nearby Sugar Corner. Dash blinked a few times.

"How'd I... Oh nevermind!" She dove down, landing right outside the box. She pressed a hoof to the doors and pulled on them. She grimaced.

"Nngh... Come on, open you stupid thing...!"

Ditzy landed next to her. "Try pushing on the doors."

"But-But it says _pull_," Dash insisted.

"He is a bit contrary in that way," Ditzy said. Dash pushed the doors of the little blue box open... And stared. She entered it, and then stepped back out again. She trotted around the box, eyeing it from all angles, before reentering it.

"It's... Bigger on the inside?" She asked in disbelief.

"You could just blame your concussion," Ditzy suggested.

"Yeah, I think I'll just go with that." She said. She went inside the blue box. Ditzy shouted after her.

"What are you doing in there, anyway?" She called.

"I'm supposed to press a button. A button that's labeled 'Do Not Press'," Dash called back.

"Check on the console with a big, green lever!" Ditzy shouted back.

"What? This one?" Dash asked. The blue box then lifted off and flew through the sky, spinning like a drunken top made of paper that had been caught by the wind.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Dash shrieked.

"Yes! That one!" Ditzy said cheerfully, waving her hoof after the wildly flying TARDIS.

* * *

_**"TELL ME, TWILIGHT SPARKLE. WHY DO THOU NOT RESPOND?"**_ Boomed Luna, as every non-divine entity clustered together in front of the vault. **_"RESPOND, MINE BELOVED SUBJECT! TELL ME YOUR PREFERENCE!"_**

"Our doom is here at last," moaned Braeburn, "the end of days is nigh! She's come for our fluids!"

Twilight swallowed, her eyes the size of dinner plates as she stared at the goddess before them, heat literally radiating off of Luna in waves. Twilight swallowed again, wiped a string of drool off of her chin, and smiled as disarmingly as she was able. Which, even considering the circumstances, wasn't very disarming at all.

"My... 'preferences' your highness?" Twilight greatly surprised herself by not stammering like an idiot. "Why, whatever do you mean?"

_**"Wouldst thou prefer to go first, or shall we get it over with in one big go?"**_ Luna rumbled. It sounded like she was trying to purr seductively, but the effect was somewhat ruined by the rattle in everypony's bones.

"B-But shouldn't you just be in heat for boy ponies?" Pinkie squeaked.

_**"WE HAVE BEEN AROUND A LONG TIME, PINKAMENA DIANE PIE,**_" boomed Luna. _**"AT THIS POINT EITHER SEX WILL DO!"**_ Thunder and lightning crashed and flashed above them all. _**"WE ARE NOT PICKY!"**_

"Oh... oh my," whispered Fluttershy dreamily, "she's so... _forceful_..."

"We're going to die," whimpered Spike. "So going to die. I knew it from the start."

"Ah, Your Highness, perhaps we could talk this out?" The Doctor offered in a very reasonable voice. "I mean, we're so close to a solution now that wouldn't involve you... Ah..."

"Rutting us all to our deaths?" Applejack asked dryly.

"Yes, that."

**_"DO NOT FEAR, MY LITTLE PONIES,"_** roared Luna in what she probably thought was a soothing tone,**_ "THOUGH YOU MAY BE TAXED TO YOUR PHYSICAL LIMITS, WE SHALL ALLOW NO HARM TO COME TO YOU."_** The princess allowed herself a lecherous grin and hungrily licked her chops. **_"IF WE KILLED YOU WITH THE VIGOR OF OUR LOVEMAKING, WE COULD NOT DO IT AGAIN... AND AGAIN... AND..."_**

Fluttershy let out a strangled moan. Applejack gave her a very disturbed look, and then turned to Braeburn, who was trying to hide underneath his hat and muttering about his fluids. Applejack sighed and facehoofed. Big Macintosh was pretty much out of fear for today and so settled on looking resigned.

Twilight was still staring at Luna, mouth agape. Suddenly she turned to glance at the vault behind her, eyes somehow managing to go even wider. A smile slowly began to spread across her face as she looked back and forth between the door and the panting, red-faced alicorn.

"You've got that look in your eyes," the Doctor muttered.

"I do? Which look?" Twilight whispered back.

"The 'I'm about to be brilliant' look," the Doctor answered.

"Now see here!" said Rarity, stepping forward and glaring at the Princess of the Night, "You can't simply show up and tell us all that we're going to engage in sexual intercourse with you! As if we hadn't any choice in the matter! That is so rude!"

**_"YOU SHOULD FEEL HONORED! FEW HAVE RUTTED WITH A GODDESS AND LIVED TO TELL THE TALE!"_** Boomed Luna.

"Ah, wait, wait... T'weren't you gonna stay with Pipsqueak 'n be isolated?" Asked Braeburn.

**_"ALAS! PIPSQUEAK WILL HAVE TO PLAY PIRATES WITH ANOTHER!"_**Luna declared.

* * *

Pipsqueak frowned as he poked at the unconscious orange pegasus, who Luna had quickly teleported in with her husband before leaving. Why the two were without armor was a mystery to the young colt, a mystery the nice husband had not suggested an answer to.

"This isn't much fun when she's asleep!" He pouted.

"Tell me about it," Stormcrow sighed, brushing his wife's hair out of her eyes as she hummed and smiled in her sleep.

* * *

_**"NOW, QUICKLY!"** _roared Luna as she landed, enormous cracks forming in the tiles beneath her hooves as she turned to present herself to the elements and their companions, **_"WE HAVE WAITED FOR SO LONG! QUENCH THE FIRES OF OUR NEED WITH YOUR APPENDAGE OF CHOICE!"_**

Big Macintosh's eyes widened as Luna's magic tugged invitingly on his collar. The big stallion squared his shoulders and stepped forward, bravely looking possible death and certain exhaustion not quite in the face. Bracing his hooves and squaring his jaw in determination, he took in all that Luna had to offer, and said, "Eeyup."

"Oh _COME ON_!" Fluttershy screamed in frustration.

"Lemme guess, too perilous?" Spike asked flatly. Big Mac shot him a look.

"You disagreein' with that assessment?" He asked. Spike looked at Luna, terrible and glorious, and back to Big Mac.

"... No," Spike squeaked.

"No! Don't do it!" Fluttershy begged, wrapping her forehooves around Mac's neck and looking pleadingly into his eyes. "I mean, I threw a mare out a _window_ to _have you_! Are you going to make that all for _nothing_?"

"Ah do appreciate that," said Big Mac, bowing his head, "it was mighty neighborly of you and honestly a bit of a turn on. But this here's the goddess of the night, and she's gotta get her some sugar. And here are y'all, most of y'all not even really all that into mares, Spike too young, mah cousin scared out of his applebuckin' mind, and Miss Twilight and mah sister would probably kill their gentlemen if either of 'em so much as looked at her for too long."

Soarin' and the Doctor carefully cleared their throats and made a show of looking anywhere except at Luna's wantonly displayed backside. Applejack huffed. Twilight seemed to be busy doing something to the vault.

"So if not me, then who?" Big Macintosh finished, using one oversized hoof to brush a tear off of Fluttershy's cheek. "Ah can't say it don't scare me none, but a stallion's gotta do who a stallion's gotta do. And for the sake of y'all, I gotta do her."

"...that only makes me want you more!" wailed Fluttershy. "Don't worry Big Mac, I'll save you!"

Whirling, the buttercup-colored pegasus planted her hooves and unleashed the full power of The Stare.

**_"Art thou going to rut us or not?"_** grumbled Luna.

Turning a darker shade of red, Fluttershy floated up into the air and flew over to land in front of Luna. Now at an angle where she could actually see the other mare's eyes, she spread her wings and brought forth The Stare. Again.

Luna's eyes widened as she beheld the full fury of Fluttershy's power. Frowning a little and wiggling her hips as if she were about to pounce, Luna inched forward, glaring right back. Fluttershy reared slightly in surprise, then redoubled her efforts, a bead of sweat running down the side of her face as she faced Luna with every ounce of willpower she possessed.

**"If you wish, we can make you our second partner after we have finished with him,"** said Luna in what would have been a conspiratorial whisper were she in fact capable of whispering at all. Fluttershy's eyes, against all logic and good sense, actually opened up a little wider at the thought.

"...okay!" Fluttershy finally managed, biting her lip in anticipation. "She's all yours Mac!"

**_"YES!"_** screamed Luna, shaking the very foundations of Canterlot castle, **_"AT LAST! STRADDLE OUR DARK SHAPELY FLANKS, AND PROCLAIM THAT WE ARE A NAUGHTY PONY!"_**

Neighing heroically, Big Mac reared upwards and prepared to give Luna exactly what she wanted. Then the remains of the long strip of carpeting that lead to the vault tore itself out of the floor and wrapped around the stallion like an affectionate python. Mac let out a bark of surprise and began struggling as the carpet dragged him back over to the fault door. Rarity frowned at the wriggling bundle as it passed, her horn glowing with the effort of keeping the big male restrained.

"Really darling?" she growled, "you fight me tooth and hoof and all she has to do is bend over and say 'come and get it'? I suppose there's no accounting for taste." She turned back to Luna, only to find the alicorn less than an inch in front of her muzzle, glaring balefully at the fashionista with brightly glowing eyes. Rarity let out a shrill cry and fell back on her rump in surprise.

**_"YOU DARE!"_** boomed Luna, **_"WE BURN WITH DESIRE FOR A MATE, AND YOU PULL THAT RELIEF FROM OUR VERY GRASP? YOU WOULD COCK BLOCK THE GODDESS OF THE NIGHT SKY!"_**

The unicorn narrowed her eyes. "Rarity blocks whatever cocks she wants," she growled.

Luna stared at her for another moment, and then her face once again twisted into a perverse leer. Rarity's resolve quickly cracked and broke beneath the pressure of that horrible smile, but when she turned to flee she found she was floating in mid-air. Luna's horn flashed brightly as it brought the struggling unicorn closer.

**_"THEN YOU SHALL TAKE HIS PLACE!"_** Luna declared, **_"PREPARE THINE BODY!"_**

Luna loomed over Rarity, her eyes glowing ominously. Rarity gulped and trembled.

"I... I can't say I'm entirely averse to this..."

Spike's eyes widened, and then narrowed. His fists clenched deeply, and his tail straightened out.

"That's... _It."_

He ran from his spot next to Twilight and the Doctor, putting himself in front of Rarity. The purple maned beauty gasped.

"No Spike! Get out of the way!" Rarity shouted.

"Don't be a hero!" The Doctor cried.

"Please! Spare him, he's too young!" Twilight shouted.

"This isn't that kind of story!" Wailed Pinkie Pie.

**_"HMMM... WE HAVE NOT HAD A DRAGON BEFORE, BUT IT MIGHT PROVE TO BE INTERESTING-"_** Luna began, but was interrupted by Spike's tiny fist ramming into her chin.

"Ah?"

He glared furiously at Luna, smoke drifting from his nostrils as his green eyes glowed.

"Listen here lady! I've had to put up with my mother slash big sister slash boss figure acting horny and weird all day, my crush having to relieve her heat with another male, and everypony acting crazy!" He shook his fist in Luna's shocked face. "I'M NOT PUTTING UP WITH IT ANYMORE! So just _TAKE A HIKE ALREADY!"_

The chamber was silent. Everypony stared in some measure of disbelief. Save for the Doctor, who looked impressed; and Rarity, who looked ready to jump Spike right now.

Luna was silent for several moments, before she smiled saucily.

"Thou hast spirit..." She smirked. **_"IT WILL MAKE BREAKING THEE INTO MINE PET MORE ENJOYABLE! YOU WILL BE THE FIRST I HOOF!"_**

"Oh snap," Spike groaned.

"See, _that's_ why it was too perilous," Big Macintosh said before going back to gnawing his way out of the carpeting.

"Does anyone else hear that?" Pinkie Pie asked. "Again?"

"The sound of our approaching doom? Oh yeah," Applejack said.

Luna took hold of Spike and lifted him up. His eyes widened as hers were clouded in lust.

"No, no, the other thing," she said, tapping her chin with her hoof. "Kind of a loud, wheezy, groaning sound... And a whistle?"

The Doctor grinned.

"Spike! Quick, take this!" The Doctor yelled, throwing something to Spike. "It's locking onto it!"

"What's locking onto what?" Spike demanded. He held up the object-The sonic screwdriver. He looked at the confused face of Princess Luna, and quickly acted.

"Catch!" He shouted, tossing it to her. So surprised, the princess caught the device in her teeth.

"Mmrgle mmph-?"

The dome above was smashed as a tiny blue house flew through it, spinning like a top. It came down right on top of Luna's head, slamming her chin right into the marble floor of the chamber.

Spike fell hard onto the floor, yelping as he landed hard.

It tipped over and fell on it's side. The doors opened, and a very dizzy looking Rainbow Dash tumbled out.

"Ugh... I found the thing..." She looked apologetic. "I might have thrown up somewhere."

"Great work, Rainbow Dash!" The Doctor said cheerfully. "And ponies say you weren't the smart one!"

"Who says? One of you... Guys?" Dash asked angrily, shaking her hoof at a point somewhere over the Doctor's right shoulder.

"Oh, poor Dashie!" Pinkie Pie said, hugging her best friend. "Are you still concussed in a way that's funny, or do you have internal bleeding?"

"How am I supposed to know...?" Dash groaned. "Tell me, am I still sexy?"

"Yes!" Pinkie Pie said cheerfully.

"I can live," she said.

"Yes!" squealed Twilight as she literally hoped over to the TARDIS, "Yes! Yes! Yes! _Yes_!"

"Twilight?" asked Applejack, "are y'all okay?"

"YES!" yelled Twilight, "and pretty soon we're all going to be okay!" The purple unicorn paused briefly to nudge Luna's horn. The alicorn twitched, once, and then went back to being out cold. Twilight clapped her hooves together with glee and levitated Luna into the air, pulling the princess along behind her as she pranced over to the vault door.

"I must admit," said the Doctor as Twilight reached her destination, "when I said you looked like you were about to be brilliant, I was expecting something a bit more... overly complicated. What are we going to do with an unconscious pony goddess?"

Twilight shot him a smug look as she levitated Luna's body up to the vault's lock. With a sparkle of her magic, she slipped Luna's horn into the lock, and then rotated her a hundred and eighty degrees. The lock clicked, and blinding white light shone outwards as the enormous doors began to drift ponderously open.

"WOOHOO!" screamed Pinkie Pie, bouncing up and down with glee. "Now the next time I ride Braeburn like a racehorse it'll just be because he's sexy and not because I'm suffering from magic hormones!"

"WOOHOO!" yelled Braeburn.

"Oh thank all that's apple flavored," sighed Big Mac, no longer struggling. Fluttershy squeed softly and nuzzled him.

"Dibs on the case," said Rarity before going back to hugging a blissed-out Spike.

"Well, looks like we're not going to need Plan B after all," said Soarin', rubbing the back of his head, "I uh, I guess I'm happy for you..."

"Ya wanna come on back to the farm after this is all over?" asked Applejack. "We can share a big ol' apple pie... or... you know, whatever."

"Yes."

"Well, come on everypony, let's get situated," Twilight said, hoofing out the various Elements. She looked at the Doctor with a smile. "Can you get everypony else out of here?"

"Hm?" The Doctor blinked. Twilight looked to the side.

"Well... I need to concentrate on getting the activation for the elements just right, and it'll be easier if we're not... Distracted."

"Ah! Say no more," the Doctor said quickly. He trotted over to the TARDIS, and grunted as he pushed hard against it. "Come on... Come on old girl, up you go."

"Eeyup," Big Mac said. He trotted over and pressing his head against the TARDIS. With a single lift of his powerful neck mucles, it was flipped right-side-up. The Doctor grinned.

"Good! Now, let's get Princess Luna inside. She'll recover faster in there."

"And then-" Twilight began, but the Doctor nodded rapidly.

"And then we'll leave, we'll leave."

"Good, good," Twilight said, gathering the other holders to her. All the while with that same strange smile.

* * *

"Wow... You know, I kind of expected this to end a lot worse," Spike mused aloud, as the door shut behind all of the males. They stood in the hallway, resting on their haunches or just relaxing on the carpet. The Doctor looked over at the young purple dragon, who was fiddling with the Master's laser screwdriver.

"I expected as much about you," the Doctor said with a nod. Spike scowled at him.

"Oh gee, thanks," Spike growled. "I'll have you know everypony thinks I'm very positive and upbeat, isn't that right guys?"

"Nope," Big Macintosh opined.

"Nuh uh," Braeburn observed.

"I've just met you and I think you're a stick in the mud," Soarin' said with a little grin.

"Oh buck you all!" Spike growled, shaking the laser screwdriver at them. He frowned as he looked it over. "How did Twilight manage to make this blow up, anyway?"

"Oh, that was simple," the Doctor explained with a smile. He pointed to a burnt and blackened part of the device. "See this? This is the transcendental dimensional radiator. It dumps the waste heat from the laser into a pocket dimension within itself that's bigger-"

"On the inside, right," Spike finished with a sigh. "And heat can't just go nowhere, it has to go somewhere."

"Right! Thermodynamics, it always applies. You can't get rid of the heat, you can only..." The Doctor trailed off. His eyes widened as a terrible thought occurred.

"You can only move it," Spike finished again. He scowled at the Doctor. "Are you going to make a habit of that or-"

"Heat! _Heat_ Spike, don't you get it?" The Doctor cried, grabbing the dragon's shoulders and shaking him.

"Wh-Wh-What?" Spike cried. The Doctor let go and ran to the door that now blocked the way into the chamber. He held up his sonic screwdriver and whirred it at the door as the other males trotted over.

"What? What is it?" Braeburn asked.

"The heat! The magically induced heat is from magical energy! It has to go _somewhere_!" The Doctor cried as he ran through several settings.

"Yeah, we know that," Spike said with a scowl. "That was the _whole point_ of our quest, remember?"

"Except that you can't just vent magical energy, there has to be a medium of exchange like water!" The Doctor quickly explained. "Something you can transfer the heat to!"

"So?" Soarin' asked. Spike's eyes widened just as much as the Doctor's had, as the little dragon grasped the enormity of the problem.

"So that means the vent is going to go through _ponies_!" The dragon gasped.

"How many-?" Soarin' began, before Big Mac and Braeburn too experienced the horror of realization.

"_All_ of 'em," Big Mac growled, as though cursing. Soarin' gulped.

"Exactly!" The Doctor explained through gritted teeth as he tried another setting. "Damn!" He turned to Big Macintosh. "Big Mac!"

"Eeyup," Big Mac said, understanding perfectly. He galloped back away from the door down the hallway, coming around next to a suit of armor. Closing his eyes to do a bit of math, the big red stallion reopened his eyes and snorted.

"Move!" He rumbled as he charged. The rest of the males scattered as Big Mac powered on for the door like a freight train. At the last minute, echoing his sister he pivoted on his front hooves, swung his back hooves around, and kicked with all of his might.

The door shuddered and the surface splintered from the force of the blow, but it held firm. The Doctor shook his head.

"Soarin', Braeburn!"

"Don't worry Doc, we're on it! Come on guys, we need more distance!" Soarin' ordered. He took to the air and flew down the hallway, Braeburn and Big Macintosh following. The Doctor turned to Spike.

"Spike! We need to weaken it as much as possible!"

"On it!" Spike declared. He sucked in as deep a breath as possible and blew, a gout of green flame leaving his mouth and blasting against the stone door. The stone was highly resistant, but dragon fire was far more potent than regular fire, and more cracks and splinters appeared in it's surface.

Soarin', Braeburn and Big Mac galloped up the hallways until they came to a stop at a fork. Soarin' looked down at the Earth Ponies.

"All right. Get a running start from here. I'll accelerate in..." He did the math in his head. "Five seconds!"

"Six would be better," Big Mac said. "Gotta meet it all at once."

"You sure?" Soarin' asked with a raised eyebrow.

"Hey, trust yer future brother-in-law, he can do math like Rain Pony," Braeburn said. Soarin' scowled.

"This really the time for jokes?"

"Yer assuming ah was," Braeburn said with a little grin. Big Macintosh gave the Wonderbolt a steely glare, to which Soarin' gulped and nodded.

"Fair enough! Okay... Go!"

Big Mac and Braeburn took off, charging around the bend of the hallway like Nightmare Moon was right behind them. Soarin' began counting down.

"Six, five, four..."

Back at the door, the Doctor grinned as his sonic screwdriver began reacting.

"Fantastic! I've got the frequency! We just need one hard push!"

"Phew!" Spike said, ceasing his flames. "Good! Don't think I could blow it for them much longer!"

The dragon then groaned and facepalmed.

"I really said that didn't I...?"

"It's that kind of day," the Doctor said as Big Mac and Braeburn came around the corner. "Move!"

Spike and the Doctor dove out of the way as Big Mac and Braeburn charged on. Above them, a blue blur appeared, zipping right for the doorway. As one, the Apple family members pivoted around to buck the door, and in the same instant the Wonderbolt's front hooves struck the weakened stone.

_KRACKABOOM!_

The door exploded inward, leaving dust and debris in it's passing. The Doctor galloped through, Spike and the other males only a few steps behind them. They came to a stop before a beautiful, and ominous sight.

All six of the Holders-Twilight Sparkle, Pinkie Pie, Rainbow Dash, Rarity, Applejack and Fluttershy - floated above them, encompassed in a powerful magical glow. All of them had their eyes closed as the powerful magics emanated from them like light and heat from stars.

"Twilight Sparkle!" The Doctor cried. Twilight opened her eyes, which were filled with light. She smiled down upon them.

"Doctor," Twilight replied in a purr.

"You planned this from the start didn't you?" The Doctor asked, a wry smile on his face nevertheless.

"What gave me away?" Twilight asked with a smirk.

"Your 'I'm about to be brilliant' face, as well as a hundred little other tells I missed," the Doctor said. Twilight nodded.

"Yes. Rather than an eternal heat for us and everypony we come in contact with-"

"It will be a heat affecting every pony in Equestria for about... Ten minutes?" The Doctor asked.

"Exactly!" Twilight grinned.

"Works for me!" Rainbow Dash said happily.

"Same here!" Pinkie Pie cried.

"Don't sound too bad, given the alternatives," Applejack mused.

"Agreed!" Rarity cheered.

"I'm just happy to get mounted until I can't think straight," Fluttershy sighed. Big Mac gulped.

The Doctor sighed. "Well played... You naughty, naughty girl."

"So now what?" Spike demanded.

"Only one thing to do," the Doctor mused. "Big Mac?"

"Eeyup?"

"Throw Spike into the TARDIS please," the Doctor said. Big Mac nodded.

"Eeyup."

"What? But I-!" Spike tried, but Big Mac gripped him by the back of his neck and threw him through the doors of the big blue box. "WAH!" They shut tightly behind him, and Twilight smiled as did Rarity.

"Thank you," Twilight said as her eyes began to shine with the radiance of several suns. "That would have been awkward."

"Tell me about it," the Doctor said, as the Elements went off and a pillar of rainbow colored energy burst from the dome and spread out across Equestria.

* * *

_Unlike the Harry Potter epilogue, the epilogue to this will not disappoint and piss off the entire fanbase. Just some of the fanbase._

_Stay tuned!_


	15. Chapter 15

**Beating the Heat**

**or**

**Friendship is Kinky**

_**A My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction**_

**By Andrew J. Talon**

**DISCLAIMER:This is a non-profit fan-made work of prose. My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic is the property of Hasbro. Please support the official release.**

**Author's Note: I... REGRET... NOTHING!**

**And once again I must thank my excellent co-writer Friendly Uncle for his continuing contributions to this fic. Go read his stuff!**

**In addition, I would like to thank LuckyStampede for his contributions to this fic in the arena of brainstorming. He was a lot of help.**

* * *

Pipsqueak slowly returned to consciousness. He yawned, and blinked his eyes free of sleep. He looked around. He was in his little guest room the palace, snuggled into his very nice bed. Pipsqueak frowned.

"Mm? Weird... I thought I..."

The door opened, and a breakfast tray floated in ahead of Princess Luna. The goddess of night looked pleasant, if a bit frazzled. Pipsqueak beamed happily.

"Princess Luna!"

"Good morning, Pipsqueak!" Luna said. "How art thou this morning?" She set the breakfast tray on the bed, and Pipsqueak eagerly took in the delicious spread: His favorite cereal, toast, and some fruit diced into thin slices.

"Great, Princess Luna!" He said. He dug in and munched his way through the cereal first. Luna watched quite patiently.

"I see... Tell me, young Pipsqueak. What does thou remember of yesterday?"

"Mm?" Pipsqueak swallowed his food, as he had been taught by his parents, and thought about it. "I remember us playing pirate, and painting, and playing more pirate, and then you had to leave, and then Mister Stormcrow and his wife came in to play but they were too tired to be any fun..." He smiled cheerfully. "Then there was this light, this wonderful light... And I think I fell asleep, because next thing I knew, I was waking up in bed!"

"Yes," Luna said with a nod and smiled. Pipsqueak frowned.

"What happened, Princess?"

"Well..." Luna sighed and rested a hoof on Pipsqueak's shoulder. "You must understand, Pipsqueak, that you and every other pony in Equestria who was underaged was put to sleep by the usage of the Elements of Harmony. You remember how that felt last time?"

"Right! But... But what did the Elements of Harmony have to be used against? Was it some kind of horrible monster? A demon?" He gasped, and held his hooves to his mouth. "It... It wasn't... _Princess Cadence_, was it?"

"Who?" Luna asked. Pipsqueak shrugged.

"It... It just came to mind."

"No Pipsqueak, it was a complex threat that you are not yet old enough to be told of," Luna said, stroking his back. "But when you are older, you _will_ understand. I promise." She nuzzled the top of his head, and he giggled cutely. She smiled back at him.

"Now, finish your breakfast. I am going to take you flying."

Pipsqueak frowned. "Aren't my mummy and daddy going to take me home soon?"

"Ah..." Luna tapped her hooves together. "I"m afraid they're a bit delayed. They've been very physically active, you understand."

"Doing what?" Pipsqueak asked, looking a bit unhappy.

"Oh... Something you'll understand when you're older," Luna said, patting his head. At his pout, she smiled. "Don't worry though. At the end of it, you might have a new baby sister!"

"Oh..." Pipsqueak blinked. "So... They were shagging then?"

And poor Luna felt a part of her soul _die_.

* * *

_Three days later..._

The throne room of the Day Court was... Subdued. Twilight hadn't visited it often, but even on her visits to speak with her beloved mentor there were some guards and courtiers hanging around at all times. Today, through the cracked double doors, Twilight could see there was only Princess Celestia on her throne looking regal as usual.

"Ah, come in my beloved student," Celestia said smoothly. The purple unicorn coughed and entered slowly, her head held down.

"G-Good morning, Princess Celestia," Twilight said softly.

"Good morning," she said cheerfully. Twilight came to a stop before the throne.

"My dear student, please, look up," Celestia said softly. "Don't be ashamed."

"But... But... I _lied_ to everypony," Twilight said miserably. "And I spread the heat to all of Equestria! Think of the chaos! Think of the destruction!"

"Now now, it wasn't that bad," Celestia said. "It only lasted ten minutes. Anypony who was underaged was simply put to sleep." The Princess smiled. "Admittedly, there will be a lot of embarrassment later, but no lasting repercussions." Her smile grew.

"And it seems like some random pairings are going to work out quite well..."

* * *

"Come along, my wonderful Prince! Your laziness is enough to make me wince," Zecora said, snapping her walking stick over Blueblood's bottom. He yelped and rolled out of bed.

"Ow! You-You wretched-How _dare_ you strike my royal hindquarters!"

The zebra smirked. "Complaining last night I did not hear, so get up unless you want a bruised rear!"

Prince Blueblood groaned.

* * *

"But-but what about the children?" Twilight asked earnestly. Celestia waved her hoof.

"Oh, my dear student. A heat lasting ten minutes isn't enough to get anypony pregnant! As for yourselves, well... There is a heightened possibility but still very low. Conception requires several days of heat to get the body ready," Celestia said gently. She smiled. "Those who were already in heat just got an extra boost."

"It's still... I mean..." She sighed. "I tricked the Doctor. I tricked everypony."

"You did what you had to do," Celestia consoled Twilight. She stepped down from the throne and nuzzled her face. "And I'm sure he doesn't hold it against you. Any of them."

Twilight sighed heavily. "Yes, but... But I just..."

"Now now Twilight. Don't be so hard on yourself. You saved the world." Celestia hummed. "In a very _embarrassing_ way, but you did save the world. You should not forget that."

"I... I won't, Princess," Twilight said. She winced. "This... Will it affect my studies of friendship?"

"I believe it already has," Celestia said with a little smile."After all, I'm receiving letters from all your friends." Quite calmly the Princess held them up. "Believe me, they're giving me a _lot_ to chew on."

* * *

_Dear Princess Celestia, I learned from this experience that you have to pace yourself. You must be like water. Calm, and relaxed, but strong when you need to be. Thanks to this situation, I have found that I'm not alone when it comes to finding a balance in my life. Especially when it comes to... To... Sex. Well, I still blush when I write it, but I was able to do it!_

Fluttershy smiled a little and paused, chewing a little on the quill in her mouth as she considered her next words. Big Macintosh grunted behind her as he moved rhythmically back and forth, a bead of sweat rolling down the side of his face. Fluttershy smiled dreamily and went back to her letter.

_It's still pretty scary to push my boundaries sometimes, but with the help of my friends, I'm going to keep pushing! I'm going to find my own pace and keep flowing, whether that means learning when to rein myself in, or learning when to let things out._

Macintosh let out a deep groan, working harder now, and pausing occasionally to flip his dampened mane out of his eyes. Fluttershy's ear twitched and a deep sigh escaped her as her smile turned syrupy and settled into the corners of her mouth. A blush began to rise gently on her buttery cheeks.

_And... maybe... one friend in particular can help me more than others. But he's really good at it. He can help me for hours on end if I need him to! ...if he wants to. Because friends ask their friends for help, and if they don't use their hypnotic mind controlling stare powers, sometimes they're pleasantly surprised to find their friends really do want to._

The bed underneath her started to shake as Big Mac worked with all his might. With one final shuddering movement the big stallion raised himself up and then dropped with a groan and a yell. "And that's three hundred!" he gasped as he lolled on the floor, spent and gasping for breath.

"Good job!" Fluttershy cheered quietly from the bed, beaming down at him. "That's a new record for squats, isn't it?"

"Eeyup," groaned Big Mac as he slowly pushed himself back to his hooves, his joints crackling like a series of gunshots. Underneath his bed, Angel glowered and gnawed on an apple, furious at being dragged out of his element and into another male's territory. Big Mac continued to ignore the rabbit, a policy that had served him well thus far. Angel hadn't dared to bother the big pony after his first attempt at performing a flying kick against Big Mac had yielded nothing further than a sprained ankle and a confused stallion.

"Bet ah smell like a whole mess o' hogs," said Big Mac, wiping sweat from his brow. "Better take a shower."

"Have fun," responded Fluttershy, the blush on her cheeks starting to deepen and spread. One of her wings unconsciously rose to smack herself lightly on the flank. "Do you... um... would you like me to... join you?"

Big Mac eyed the sheepishly grinning mare, and a warm but apologetic smile spread across his lips. "Darlin', you're great, but we both know if you join me in there the whole dang house is gonna hear it."

"Oh," Fluttershy's tail laid back down and she nodded. "Okay! I'll finish my letter, then."

"Eeyup," said Big Mac as he headed through Fluttershy's bedroom door. He paused and flicked his short tail upwards, the brush of hair swatting across his own haunch. "Got the afternoon free tomorrow. Don't suppose you wanna do somethin'? I'm up for... oh, anythin'."

"I'm sure I'll think of something," Fluttershy returned smokily, batting her eyelashes. Big Mac threw a wolfish grin over his shoulder and ambled out of the room. Fluttershy giggled to herself before grabbing her quill and going back to her letter.

_I've got a lot to learn, but that's great, because it means I get to keep practicing! ...and practicing is a lot of fun! Please say hello to Philomena for me._

_Your faithful subject,_

_Fluttershy_

* * *

_Dear Princess Celestia. Even in stressful situations, strangers can prove to be friends. Ah was almost done in by mah fear of intimacy, but Soarin' proved that ya can't judge folks until the chips are down._

"Ohhh, those two again," Applejack grumbled, looking up at the farmhouse window. "They just don't quit."

"Now now, ah remember when ah had mareathons with a herd of stallions," Granny Smith said cheerfully, trotting up slowly next to Applejack. "All of 'em right in a row, happy as can be t' see me..."

"Uh, Granny Smith, ah really don't need to hear this... _Again_," Applejack said.

"Nonsense! Applebloom was asleep so ah couldn't tell her nothin' about the good ol' days while you was havin' fun at the palace!" Granny said flatly. "Now yer gonna listen, and listen good, since it may be vital fer you t' know now that you've got yerself a gentlecolt caller o' yer own!"

Applejack grimaced. "He ain't mah gentlecolt caller, Granny Smith!"

"Oh? What is he, then?" Granny asked, giving Applejack a deadly stare. Applejack heaved a sigh, unable to figure out how to articulate the situation with Soarin'.

_Admittedly, even now it's hard to tell jest where we stand with each other..._

She then heard the beating of wings, and looked up.

_But even when uncertain, sometimes, ya just gotta trust in those ya don't know too well._

"Hey AJ!" Soarin' greeted cheerfully, fluttering down. "We have that date, remember?"

"Date?" At his wink, Applejack smiled and nodded. "Right! Our date!"

"Now now, what in tarnation is this date business! You didn't tell me nothin'! Who're you anyway?" Granny asked flatly. Soarin' smiled and bowed, his wings fluttering dramatically.

"I'm Soarin', ma'am. Applejack's gentlecolt caller." He looked up and winked. "May I take her out for a spin to show her the sights? A lovely mare like yourself can surely understand a stallion's desire to do that for his mare."

Applejack was about to scowl at Soarin', admonish him for presumption, but the knowing smile he shot her stilled her tongue. She smiled back at him.

"Gentlecolt caller? Ah thought you said he weren't no gentlecolt caller!" Granny huffed.

"Well... Ah... We're jest..." Applejack smiled and extended her hoof to Soarin'. "Datin' right now."

"Right," he said with a smile. "Just... Seeing where it goes."

"Yeah," Applejack said, her cheeks warming.

"Well now..." Granny looked back and forth between them, before smiling. "Ah see." She turned her head to scowl at Soarin. "You had better treat 'er right, ya hear?"

"Yes ma'am," Soarin' said. Granny nodded. She looked to Applejack.

"And if you two make a foal, name it after me!" She said cheerfully. They both blushed.

"Gr-Granny!" Applejack gasped.

"Hee hee hee... Ya know, if yer willin' t' stay a while, ah've got some stories that might help you two out-!"

"Uh, we've got to get going. We're running late," Soarin' said. "Hop on!"

"Right!" Applejack said, swinging her back legs over to sit on top. He flapped his wings hard, and the two ascended up and over the trees. Applejack held on tightly, and sighed in his ear.

"Thank you for rescuing me," Applejack said earnestly. Soarin' chuckled.

"Now you owe me _two_ rescues."

Applejack smirked. "Now hold yerself a moment! Ah didn't need savin' that one time! If anythin' you owe me!"

"I say yanking you out of water counts as a save!" Soarin' argued. Applejack snorted.

"Not if ah jump into it willingly! Ah'm the one who's saved you more!"

"I saved you just now!"

_Because sometimes, we all need a hero. Even me._

Applejack flushed, and hugged his neck. "... Yeah..." She grinned. "But ah'm still ahead."

Soarin' laughed. "We'll see about that!" They flew on, passing by Rainbow Dash's beautiful cloud palace.

_Doesn't mean ah'm gonna jest accept it layin' down though._

_Your faithful subject,_

_Applejack_

* * *

_Dear Princess Celestia. Before all this happened, I was terrified of sex. I mean, ending up having to sacrifice my dreams or be rejected by the pony I cared for: It was frightening. But now, thanks to the heat, I love sex! It's absolutely awesome! And I'm going to get as much of it as I can, thanks to my wonderful new buddies!_

"Ohhhh yessss..." Dash sighed happily, lounging on her couch. Captain Galland nuzzled the back of her neck, sighing.

"Yeah," he said contentedly.

_Well, buddy. Captain Galland is my only regular. But it's all right._

"What happened to the others?" Rainbow Dash asked softly. The captain kissed the top of her head.

"They're busy with the Shadowbolts, I'm afraid," he said quietly. Rainbow Dash groaned.

"Aw what the hay? They're hogging all the guys!" She grumbled and set her face between her hooves. "It's aggravating!"

"Am I not enough, Rainbow Dash?" The captain said, looking a bit hurt. Dash shook her head.

"That's not what I meant..." She grinned. "I just like having you all to myself. Makes me feel..." She blushed. "Special.

"Trust me," the captain said. "You are."

"Mm," Dash sighed happily. "Flattery will get you everywhere."

_In fact, there are so many different ways to enjoy sex, I'm eager to explore them!_

"Actually, I was wondering if you'd be interested in something new," said Dash with a smile. Galland nuzzled her neck.

"Mm... What would it be?" The captain asked.

"I met this pony after the whole thing at the palace named Rider North. He says I'm so awesome at sex that I should do it on camera!" Dash said cheerfully. "What do you say?"

Galland stared at her in disbelief. "Rider North, the famous pornographic director?"

"Yes! That's what it's called, pornographic!" Dash said cheerfully. "I always thought it was called 'dirty magazines', at least that's what my mother called them."

"Ah..."

_But apparently there are aspects of sex I don't know a lot about. I mean, okay, I don't know a lot about it period since it was my first time with those guys, but since you gave me the go ahead, I'm going to keep exploring it and sending you my findings on it._

_It's only fair since you introduced me and the Captain, after all. I hope you enjoy it!_

_Your beloved subject,_

_Rainbow Dash._

* * *

_Dear Princess Celestia. What I learned is that I'm a really lucky pony who can always find ways to beat the odds!_

Braeburn Apple entered Sugarcube Corner, his hat off and his mane combed. He coughed to get the attention of the two ponies at the front desk. They looked up.

"Ah, scuse me sir and ma'am, but ah've got to talk to Pinkie Pie. If you'll allow me?" Braeburn asked. Mr. Cake smiled and nodded.

"Sure! Go on right ahead," he said. Braeburn nodded and trotted upstairs, soon coming to what he could only assume was the door to Pinkie Pie's room.

The pink paint and three balloon-symbol on it gave it away.

_Despite being a little... What's the word Twilight used? Flippant! That's it. Flippant. I like to flip, whee! Flip flip flip!_

He knocked on the door with his hoof. It burst open, and Pinkie Pie smiled brightly at him.

"Hey Braeburn!" Pinkie Pie said cheerfully. "You're just in time!"

"Ah, yeah, about that," Braeburn began, but he was unable to say anything else before Pinkie Pie yanked him in. "WOAH!"

"Right inside please," she said, leading him to sit down on the couch. He got his bearings again before Pinkie dashed off to what looked like the bathroom.

"Just a minute, please!" She cried as Braeburn could hear the sound of rummaging and crashing going on. He squeezed his hat nervously, and waited.

_Anyway! This experience taught me something very important._

"Ready!" Pinkie Pie said. She trotted out and set down a round white pad-like device in front of Braeburn. Pinkie Pie sat next to him, bouncing a bit in anticipation.

"Er... Pinkie Pie, what are we waitin' for?" Braeburn asked.

"Shh... Let's wait," Pinkie Pie said softly. Braeburn licked his lips and fidgeted, watching the round object. Eventually, it turned blue. Pinkie Pie let out a nervous giggle. Braeburn blinked.

"Er... What happened?"

"Well... I had to pee on that thing," Pinkie Pie said, giggling a bit more hysterically. "For a little test, heeheeheehee!" She rolled on the couch, holding her sides. "Hahahahahahaha!"

Braeburn laughed a little himself. "Hahahaha! Wh-What fer?"

"It's supposed to say, heeheehee... It's supposed to say, hahahahah... If you're pregnant!" Pinkie laughed. Braeburn laughed a bit longer.

"Hahahaha! So, so what does blue mean?"

"Heheheheh! Th-That I... I am pregnant!" Pinkie Pie giggled. Braeburn stopped laughing and gaped at Pinkie Pie. The pink pony stopped laughing, and looked over at Braeburn.

"Did... Did that not help breaking the news?" She asked, looking concerned.

"Well... Uh..." Braeburn began. Pinkie Pie gasped.

"Oh... Oh no... You don't mean... You're not happy about this, are you?" Pinkie Pie held her hooves to the sides of her cheeks. Braeburn held a hoof up.

"Now hang on-"

"You don't want me to be pregnant! You came here to _apologize_, say we can't be together, say you've got _somepony else_!" Pinkie Pie cried. She got off the couch and galloped to the window, her hair flattening. Her lower lip wobbled as Braeburn got off the couch too.

"Pinkie, ah didn't-"

"No! I will have to be a single mother! Oh, the shame!" Pinkie sniffled. "I'll have to work alone, never being able to tell my daughter about her father! And then she'll seek you out and find a magic lamp with a genie who will wish for us to be together but we can't because it's not that simple and we'll have a big tearful reunion or maybe Gummy will be used as bait by our daughter to bring us together for an emotional scene and-"

Braeburn sighed, spun Pinkie Pie around, and planted a kiss on her lips. Pinkie's eyes widened and she returned the kiss, calming down as Braeburn embraced her.

Their lips broke and Braeburn chuckled.

"No, no... That, ah'm fine with. It uh... Makes mah proposal a little easier to get through." He took his hat off and futzed with it. Pinkie Pie gasped.

"You mean...?"

"Well ah... Ah was gonna jest ask you to go steady," Braeburn admitted. "But uh... In light o' this... Would you do me the honor of-"

He didn't get the chance to finish before Pinkie squealed and jumped him.

_The thing I've learned is that despite this unexpected surprise in my life, I'm looking forward to it. With my friends, family, and my stallion, I'm going to throw the biggest, bestest birthday party ever._

_For my own foal._

_Oops. Foals. They're twins!_

_Your faithful subject,_

_Pinkamenia Diane Pie (Soon to be) Apple_

* * *

"So you see," Celestia said with a smile, "it's not going to be easy... But change never is."

Twilight sighed and nodded. "You're right, Princess Celestia." She frowned. "I just wish I knew why the Doctor ran off. Do... Do you think he hates me?"

Celestia shook her head, and wrapped a wing around her student. "No, no... He understands perfectly, believe me. The Doctor used to be all about saving the world."

Twilight looked up at her teacher in disbelief.

"Used to? But the Master, and the things-"

"Ah," Celestia sighed. "That is a long, sad story all his own. But suffice it to say, he's been bored, tired... And alone for a very long time. He has always needed a purpose. Much like you," she said with a smile and a nuzzle. Twilight flushed. "You gave him a purpose again, as you've given so many others."

The Princess of Equestria, Goddess of the Sun, winked.

"And he's not too bad looking either, is he?"

"Pr-Princess!" Twilight gasped, her cheeks bright red. "H-How can you take this so... So _lightly_?"

"Ah, Twilight Sparkle, my wonderful young student," Celestia sighed. "When you're as old as I am, you find that embarrassment can be a glorious thing. A little humility, a little humor at your own expense can make the world feel so much better." She smiled and patted her on the head.

"Trust me. He'll show up, he just needs to sort this out a bit, ask someone for advice, and he'll be back to talk."

The Princess smiled mysteriously.

"Indeed... It'll be sooner than you think."

"Thank you Princess Celestia," Twilight said, bowing her head. She turned and trotted out the doors, leaving Celestia to watch her leave fondly. She then looked to her side.

"You can come out now, Doctor."

The Doctor emerged from what appeared to be thin air, and he gave the Princess a tired smile.

"Thanks..."

"Don't thank me," Celestia said coolly. "I already told you what to do about her, and I'm not telling you twice."

The Doctor sighed and examined his hooves, a bit of a nervous habit. "... All right," he said. "Just let me catch up with her." He dashed back into nothingness, and a strange sound echoed in the throne room. Celestia shook her head and chuckled.

"Now, Luscombe," she said, turning to a curtain. "You, my dear, may most _definitely_ come out now."

The huge stallion emerged, flushing a bit.

"Yes Princess... Ah... Just one question?"

"Yes, my dear?" Celestia asked pleasantly even as she turned and spread her wings and legs.

"This... Is this going to be a full time commitment or what?" He asked. Celestia smirked.

"That all depends on how long you want me, my dear."

"Forever," the stallion said reverently. Celestia giggled.

**_"Then forever it shall be!"_**

* * *

****Twilight trotted down the path to the chariot that had brought her to Canterlot. Two guards were waiting, silent and with folded wings. She was just about to step onto it, when somepony cleared his throat behind her. She started, and looked back over her shoulder.

The Doctor stood there, leaning casually against his TARDIS. He smiled at her.

"Hello Twilight Sparkle."

"Hello Doctor," Twilight said, feeling a bit awkward. She trotted slowly up to him, stopping a few paces away. They stared at anything except each other for a moment, before their eyes at last met.

"I'm sorry I skipped out like that," the Doctor said. "I had to consult with somepony I trust. I..." He looked to the side. "I wasn't sure what to say to you after everything."

"And now? What do you want to say?" Twilight asked.

The Doctor turned back and smiled at her, adjusting his tie. It was in a bow now, bright red. She had to say she liked the look.

"... That I like you," the Doctor said. "A lot. Not just for the reasons you'd think... Or maybe for them, maybe not..." He shook his head and smiled. "I'm already having trouble speaking."

"You never had it before," Twilight teased, just a little. The Doctor chuckled.

"I guess not. What I want to say is... You make me feel like a young stallion. Not just for the reasons you'd think, but..."

He stared back, and now that she looked into his eyes she got a feel for just how old they were. How ancient, how lonely...

"I've been on my own for so long because frankly, nopony needed me," the Doctor said bluntly. "Each time, each crisis in the last two years, you, Twilight Sparkle, have been the savior of Equestria and the universe." He smiled at her. "Magnificent you."

Twilight blushed. "No, I-I couldn't have done it without my friends."

"No, you couldn't, but that doesn't diminish it in any way," the Doctor said. "For the longest time though, I haven't been needed. And it was great, for a while. I was content for a time..." He shook his head and looked at her. "But I think we both know that it feels better to be needed, to be useful, to do something, anything, than it does to just... Be." He shook his head and smiled. "And you made me be useful again."

"I... Thank you," Twilight said, feeling incredibly flattered.

"So... I dusted off the controls, got everything humming again," he opened the doors to his blue box and grinned. "The old girls' still a bit temperamental, but... She's ready to go too."

"Go? Go where?" Twilight asked as she trotted up to the box. She looked in... And she gasped.

"Oh my..."

"Go?" The Doctor grinned. "Absolutely, positively _anywhere_."

Twilight looked back at him. "You... You're serious? You want me to come?"

"Of course! You see, Twilight Sparkle, you stand up to me. You can outsmart me. You can surprise me and I, in turn, can stand up to you, outsmart you, and maybe surprise you." He grinned. "Surprise you a lot. And I like the way that looks on you, so..." He trotted into the TARDIS right up to what Twilight could only assume was the control panel. "I want to see it more."

He smiled at her. "So... Coming or not?"

Twilight smiled back. She turned her head to the guards.

"Sorry guys... I've got another ride," she said. She trotted in, and the doors shut behind her.

_VWORP... VWORP... VWORP..._

And with that strange sound, the blue box faded and vanished entirely. The two guards just yawned.

After enough time in this job, you weren't surprised by anything anymore...

* * *

_Dear Princess Celestia. I've learned that dragons are totally awesome in the sack! I mean, I don't even know what I was thinking going after some lame pony when dragons are definitely where it's at. Especially Spike! That dragon is a hunka hunka burning love. He really gets my... mare parts... all... hot! And stuff._

"Spike?"

_And Spike is pretty much a paragon of physical perfection. He's like some kind of meat miracle. I get absolutely... hot... But like, more hot than I usually get, just thinking about his enormous... dexterous... tail. I just want him to rub my tummy violently and tell me I'm a very naughty pony._

"Spike."

_I want Spike to be the one who takes care of me the next time I go into heat, and every time after! Because once you go dragon, you don't... go... needing... another... wagon?_

"Spike," Rarity sighed, "I stopped talking five minutes ago."

The baby dragon's eyes widened, and he carefully crumpled up the piece of paper he'd been writing on. Considering his options, Spike tossed the paper ball into his mouth and quickly chomped it down. For something that regularly chows down on diamonds, a ball of paper wasn't terribly hard to swallow, if perhaps a bit dry.

Rarity facehoofed. "I've been standing here watching you write the entire time," she said.

Spike's shoulders slumped and he sat down on the floor of the boutique with a thump and a sigh. "Sorry," he muttered.

"I know you're still angry about being left out of the org- er, being locked in the Doctor's TARDIS while we... solved everypony's... problem."

Smoke drifted upwards out of Spike's nostrils and he tried not to growl too loudly. Rarity reached out to pat him on the shoulder, then thought better of it and levitated a platter over to the little dragon. Spike blinked in surprise, and then gave Rarity a grateful smile before going to town on the plate full of gems.

"I'm sure it's hard to see it this way, but we were just trying to protect you," said Rarity, as soothingly as she was capable of. "There are things you're just not ready to be exposed to yet! There will be time for all that later when you're old enough to properly deal with all of it."

"I know," Spike grumbled, "I just... I _wanted_ to help. I know I'm not old enough, but... it would have been nice if I could have. Instead of Big Macintosh again."

"Him and Fluttershy," mused Rarity, "we were running out of stallions at that point and some of us had to... _share_..."

Spike's eye twitched. In one tiny claw he held a large diamond. The gemstone had been forged by the heat and pressure of a volcano. Carbon had been folded and compressed into the hardest naturally occurring substance on Earth. As Rarity stared off into the distance with a faraway look on her face and a thin strand of drool threatening to fall from her lip, the diamond shattered in Spike's claw.

"Huh, wha?" stuttered Rarity, pulled from her reverie by a chunk of diamond bouncing off her horn. "What were we talking about? Oh yes! I really am very sorry Spike, but there's nothing for it. I mean, how many years are there between us? _Somepony_ would have to be extremely uncouth to want to see the two of us physically intimate when you're so young."

They paused and turned to glance in the reader's direction, then shrugged and went back to their conversation.

"Yeah," said Spike after a moment, "all things considered I'm kind of glad you're not _that_ kind of pony."

"Precisely!" beamed Rarity, "and like I said, plenty of time for that later."

"Yeah," said Spike glumly, "later." He frowned, and then glanced up sharply. "Wait, you mean... _us_ later...?"

"Oh Spikey Wikey," cooed Rarity, giving the little dragon a big hug. "You punched a goddess in the face for me. A girl doesn't forget that kind of dedication."

Spike's eyes widened. "You... you mean it?"

"I don't want to make any promises," said Rarity carefully, "there's no telling what might happen to either of us in the meantime, but... all else being equal, as soon as you're legal... as soon as we know when that is... well, you've got a date, for sure."

"A date," said Spike.

"You saw what I did to Big Macintosh on our first date," said Rarity with a wink.

"A date!" cried Spike.

"That is... assuming you still want me by then," said Rarity, frowning a little.

"What!" Spike almost yelled, "But...! I...! Goddess! _FACE_! For _you_!"

"Oh I know Spike," said Rarity, rubbing his scales tenderly, "you've certainly got a lot of... passion... but let's face facts. I honestly don't have any idea how long it'll be before loving you isn't a federal crime. I might be... _hideous_ by then."

"Never!" declared the young dragon, who had never seen Rarity first thing in the morning.

"I know it's hard to believe," Rarity sighed, "but there will come a time when these looks will fade. I couldn't ask you to chain yourself to an old crone just because of a crush, Spike. I would never!"

Spike let out a whimper and leaned against Rarity's side, hugging her desperately. Rarity ignored the way his scales dug into her skin and put a comforting arm around him, hugging back.

"I wish there was a way I could... speed up time or something," Spike muttered against the unicorn's coat, "but just for me? And then I could be older, and you could still be you, and we could be together!"

"That's impossible, I'm afraid," said Rarity, patting him soothingly.

"Spike!" yelled Twilight Sparkle as she burst through the door of the boutique. "Spike, where are you!"

"Do you mind?" shouted Rarity, "we're in the middle of an intimate moment!"

"AGH!" screamed Twilight, covering her eyes and bolting out of the room.

"...not that kind of intimate," Rarity snarled.

"What's up Twilight?" asked Spike, still clinging to Rarity. Twilight re-appeared in the doorway, now accompanied by the Doctor. Both ponies were grinning from ear to ear.

"The Doctor's leaving!" said Twilight, "to go and have adventures through space and time!"

"Oh Twilight!" gasped Rarity, "I'm so sorry..."

"He asked me to go with him!" Twilight squealed, "and I said yes!"

"What," said Spike and Rarity.

"You're welcome to come along of course Spike," said the Doctor, "wouldn't have it any other way, really."

"Isn't this exciting!" said Twilight, literally vibrating with glee, "We're going to be explorers, studying things that nopony has ever studied before! Oh gosh, I hope I can bring enough notebooks!"

"But... but I don't want to leave Ponyville," said Spike, his eyes starting to brim with tears, "I... I have... friends here." He turned to Rarity, who smiled sympathetically and squeezed him closer.

"I dare say we'll be a bit too busy to really miss anypony," said the Doctor, "and it's not like they'd have any time to miss you."

"Huh?" said Spike.

"We're going to be traveling through time Spike," said Twilight with a chuckle, "we'll be gone for a couple of years maybe, but for everypony here it'll be like no time passed at all!"

Rarity started to grin hugely. Spike took a hesitant step away from her to stare incredulously at Twilight. "Wait," he said, "you mean... we'll get older while we're away... but everypony else here in Ponyville..." he gestured at Rarity, "will just stay the _same_?"

"Yes!" said Twilight and the Doctor.

Spike leaped into the air with a shout. "When do we leave?"

_Dear Princess Celestia. Today we learned that good things come to those who wait._

_Your faithful subjects,_

_Spike and Rarity_

* * *

Twilight sighed as she brought the last of her supplies. She left them just inside the doors of the TARDIS and beamed as she galloped up to the side of the Doctor. Spike was still gawking at the interior, looking around.

"So... It's bigger on the inside," he said. The Doctor grinned.

"Yep!" He fiddled with some stuff on the console, including what looked like taps for hot and cold water. He adjusted a zig zag plotter and hit a few more buttons.

"Dimensionally transcendent, huh?" Spike asked. The Doctor blinked. Twilight giggled.

"You've been paying attention!"

"Of course I pay attention! When do we leave?" Spike asked flatly.

"Soon," the Doctor said. "She's a little rusty..."

"How rusty could she be?" Spike asked, poking something that looked like a rubber clown nose on the control panel. It squirted water into his face. "GAH!"

Twilight giggled, and with her magic she lifted a piece of parchment and began to write.

_Dear Princess Celestia... It's been a long, weird week. But I have learned a lot of things about life, love and friendship._

_First, love can be scary. It can bring out the worst in us..._

"AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!" screamed Big Mac, falling off the bed in a tangle of flailing hooves.

"Oh, oh my," said Fluttershy, "I'm sorry, was the clown mask too much?"

_And it can bring out the best..._

"W-Wow," Applejack gasped as she held her chest. They landed on a clifftop, overlooking the entire valley. The entire, cloudless valley that allowed the sun to shine down on the glory of creation. "We... We did that?"

"A little extra mass once I broke the sound barrier?" Soarin' asked with a grin. "You bet!"

Applejack smirked. "Just how much extra mass we talkin' here?"

"Hey, I'm not _that_ brave..."

_It can be fun and unexpected..._

"How about Candy for a filly?" asked Pinkie, "Candy Apple."

"I kinda like Sugar Pie," said Braeburn, cuddling the pink pony closer..

"They're going to have your name though," said Pinkie, nuzzling him.

"We can get modern," said Braeburn, "The Apple-Pies. If there's a colt we can name him Dutch."

_It can let you fight on to the finish..._

"Come on Galland!" groaned Rainbow Dash, "One more, you can do it!"

"I haven't got it in me!" the guardpony yelled, straining, "I can't hold on!"

"Yes you can!" moaned Rainbow, holding her stallion tight, "I believe in you!"

Rider North's glasses fell off as he gazed in awe at the scene taking place before him. "By Celestia that's beautiful," he said, "the spray is just... did we get that? Tell me we got that!"

_It can be forgiving, and it can bring us hope..._

"I'll be right here when you get back Spike," whispered Rarity as she looked out of her top storey building at the blue form of the TARDIS, "don't you dare forget me."

_And it can give us patience and courage we never knew we had..._

"All right! She's prepped and ready to go!" The Doctor said with a grin, finishing up the preparations with a mallet to the control console.

"Where are we going?" Spike asked. The Doctor threw his hooves up into the air.

"Not even the slightest clue!"

Spike gaped, and looked at Twilight. "Twilight...?"

The purple unicorn smiled.

_And like friendship, it's a wonderful adventure just waiting to be experienced._

"I'm ready when you are," Twilight said cheerfully as she trotted up to the Doctor. He grinned and rested his hoof on a big, shiny lever. She blushed, and rested her hoof over his.

"Here we go!" They pulled back on the lever, and the TARDIS took off. Spike yelped as he grabbed onto the control console as the entire ship shifted and bucked. Twilight and the Doctor whooped in glee, and soon Spike joined them.

"Onwards and outwards!" The Doctor cried.

"WOOHOO!" Spike and Twilight agreed.

_And it will make you never want to say goodbye. It will just make you look forward to the next time you say hello._

_Your faithful student,_

_Twilight Sparkle_

* * *

The Master fumed as he watched the blue form of the Doctor's TARDIS spinning away into the time vortex. He turned away from the monitor, allowing his own time ship's sensors to continue tracking it.

"So Doctor... You even got the old junker running again to take your little strumpet and her pet lizard with you." The Master shook his head and chuckled. "Just like old times. Well, go ahead, have your little adventures again." He rubbed his hooves together.

"Because no matter where you go... Or what you do... I'll be right behind you, waiting. And when the hammer falls... I will be there swinging it, as at last you _fall silent_!"

"So..." said Trixie slowly, "when you say hammer you mean your penis, and when you say silent you mean because he'll have it in his mouth...?"

The Master sighed and scowled at her. "You're _still_ here?"

"The Great and Powerful Trixie has no intention of letting that little purple upstart outdo her again!" said Trixie, "if Twilight is going to have interdimensional adventures and lots of hot sex with an immortal time pony, then Trixie intends to as well!"

"I don't care _what_ the stupid and insufferable Trixie wants," said the Master through gritted teeth, "you're _not_ coming."

Trixie grinned and leaned in close to the Master, letting her breath waft over his ear as she whispered into it. "That's not what you said to Trixie last night..."

The master sighed. "... Fine," he gritted out. "Just try not to be totally, _completely_ worthless and maybe this can work out!"

Trixie shivered a little and bit back a moan. "Yes Master!" she said, grinning. She had to admit, this wasn't exactly what she'd had in mind when she'd answered that advertisement in the paper all those weeks ago. It was better.

For the Master's part, he looked out at the external view offered by his TARDIS's sensors and scowled. The gorgeous weather just made his mood even worse.

"Why must it be such a beautiful day...?"

* * *

**THE END**

**Twilight Sparkle**... Tara Strong

**Rainbow Dash**... Ashleigh Ball

**Pinkie Pie**... Andrea Libman

**Applejack**... Ashleigh Ball

**Fluttershy**... Andrea Libman

**Rarity**... Tabitha St. Germain

**Spike**... Cathy Weseluck

**The Doctor**... David Tennant/Matt Smith

**Princess Celestia**... Nicole Oliver

**Princess Luna**... Tabitha St. Germain

**Braeburn Apple**... Andrew Francis

**Luscombe Nordram**... James Earl Jones

**The Master**... John Simm

**The Great and Powerful Trixie**... Kathleen Barr

**Velvet**... Cathy Cavadini

**Nightshade**... E.G. Daily

**Natrix**... Cree Summer

**Captain Galland**... Nathan Fillion

**Sergeant Mustang**... Travis Willingham

**Sergeant Zero**... Mark Hildreth

**Sergeant Thatch**... Michael Biehn

**Soarin**'... Matt Hill

**Big Macintosh**... Peter New

**Pip**... Matt Stone

**Applebloom**... Michelle Creber

**Spitfire**... Maryke Hendrikse

**Stormcrow**... Paul McGann

**Zecora**... Brenda Crichlow

**Prince Blueblood**... Trevor Devall

**Derpy Hooves**... Tabitha St. Germain

**Caramel**... Scott McNeil

**Handsel the male pony model**... Owen Wilson

**Neigh Gaiman**... Jemaine Clement

**Terry Prancechett**... John Cleese

**Lance**... Richard Newman

**Chairstallion Kaga**... George Takei

**Snips and Snails**... Mike Judge

**Towback**... Chris Sabat

**Rookie**... Matt Hill

**Lucky**... Brian Drummond

**Vince**...Scott McNeil

**Hoops**... Tony Sampson

**Score**... Samuel Vincent

**Dumb Bell**... James Arnold Taylor

**Granny Smith**... Tabitha St. Germain

**Written in Google Docs**

**A Production of Andrew J. Talon, Friendly Uncle and The Sage of Toads for the purposes of confusing Bronies about their sexuality.**

**Catering provided by Sugarcube Corner.**

**No ponies were traumatized during the making of this fanfic.**

**Clopfics of the events in this fic will no doubt resemble reality but with much worse spelling. While not encouraged, filling in the sexy, sexy blanks of this fic will not be discouraged either. In other words, start your word processors, Bronies!**

**The Doctor, Twilight Sparkle and Spike will return in...**

_The Deadly Curse of Fatal Death_


End file.
